Love crappy movies but are too ashamed to admit it? Are you a big Rob Schneider fan but you're tired of being burned? Not sure if you want to waste your money on the same old movie? That's why you have Joe.
Joe Loves Crappy Movies is by Joseph Dunn. Joe willingly goes to see the very worst that Hollywood has to offer. Whenever a crappy movie comes out Joe will be there to see it, make fun of it, and actually review it. Nothing is safe, and nothing is sacred. From the big budget action disasters to the low brow fart based comedies, to anything starring Martin Lawrence? Joe will tear it apart.
With each entry you'll get not only a comic poking fun at the movie, but also a detailed review. Joe's not educated in film or cinematography or acting, he's just a guy that draws comics and likes movies. So if you're looking for the everyman perspective and a little joke in comic form... you're in the right place.
The Losers
Starring: Jeffrey Dean Morgan, Zoe Saldana, Chris Evans, Idris Elba, Columbus Short, Óscar Jaenada, Jason Patric, Holt McCallany,
Directed by: Sylvain White
Warner Brothers Pictures
The Official Site of The Losers
Discuss The Losers on the boards!
The Losers are your everyday average assault action team. They walk away from explosions in slow motion, they high five each other after a job well done, they stand from the center out in order of plot-developing significance and they get the job done. We catch up with the group just as the government has turned on them, attempting to kill them because they know too much about the evil scheme a rouge department is developing. (Not that it matters that much but the dastardly plot involves eco-terrorism and a very hammy Jason Patrick.)
The crew is stuck in Bolivia; broke and eager to clear their names and get revenge on Jason Patrick’s Max who believes they’re all dead. Despite the desperate times the wisecracking, so-cool-they-still-wear-their-sunglasses-during-a-fight team apparently packed enough designer watches and ironic t-shirts to last them at least through the summer. It’s kind of ridiculous. Every time you see Chris Evans in a different rejected Hot Topic T-shirt – take a drink.
A mysterious stranger named Aisha played by Zoe Saldana (who makes this A-team’s version of Mr. T as a sexy as she is dangerous) steps in to offer a helping hand and a direct line to Max. Aisha brings with her enough secrets and plot twists to propel the movie to its conclusion, one that is filled with style but woefully formulaic. The Losers has a lot of fun in telling its tale but offers nothing new to a genre bloated with clichés. It’s not their fault but why should it get a free pass just for not being awful. Either bring something new to the table or prepare to be forgotten.
Maybe if they’d done their slow motion walk away from an explosion even SLOWER… That’s never been done right? Probably for a reason.
While going through the motions The Losers at least as the decency to do so with pizzazz. Sharp editing, fun titles, and crisp action that is sharp and entertaining. There’s a non-abusive amount of slow motion at play and a great looking cast to make it all leap of the screen. Very cool, very slick without being overproduced in a G. I. Joe: Rise of Cobra sort of way.
That gorgeous cast is very well put together. Columbus Short and Idris Elba ably further their cool. Jeffery Dean Morgan as Clay, the team’s commander is as smooth, charming and unshaven as ever and it all plays very well. Chris Evans acts as the film’s primary source of comic relief and is the featured performer in the film’s most interesting scene in which as Jenson, Evans has to retrieve data from an office building. His revealing entrance and finger-blasting (wow that sounds terrible) escape are the best 3 minutes of the film.
Saldana has spent the past year being featured in high-profile action adventures (Avatar, Star Trek) but it’s for the first time here that we really get a chance to see what she’s capable of. Beneath the blue CGI rendering and the expectation of rebooting the Starship Enterprise is a performer with a lot of power and sexuality. She’s off for greater adventures.
The best and worst bit of casting comes in Jason Patrick. He plays Max as a very dangerous, intelligent and quirky villain who comes off as annoying just as often as he comes off as awesome. It’s an unexpected performance from a guy who’s spent a career turning in very grounded characters so in that respect it’s refreshing but part of me sees him jumping feet first into Nic Cage levels of oddball craziness.
It’s been said that to have a truly great movie all you need is three great scenes and no bad ones. The Losers avoids the bad well enough but doesn’t come close to touching greatness. It does so though with a lot of style.
I was having a great time with this film for the majority of it. It was playing smoothly as effortlessly cool and a lot of fun. I began to see though that it was never going to excel. That it was never going to go over the hump and become more than just this months team action movie. A nice distraction that will be promptly forgotten if June’s similarly themed A-team can deliver just one unique concept.
The Losers will play well in repeated viewings but mostly for the spectacle of the beautiful women and big explosions. Had it an Ocean’s 11 con that it at one point threatened to or even a twist that the audience couldn’t see coming a mile a way then there might be something else to look forward to. As it is if you like the boom and you like the boobs then it’s money well spent.
How is everyone? Good? Good.
Here’s a bonus image I did for the syndicates of Zoe as Mr. T. Potential awkward boner situation but still “work safe”. LINK!
Thanks so much for stopping by today.
Joe – The creator of the strip who has embraced giving crappy movies the chance they deserve. Like the majority of the cast he’s obsessed with boobs.
First Appearance - The Introduction
Yeo – Yeo is Joe’s wife and often the voice of reason in the strip. Having her act rational allows the rest of the cast to embrace being in a comic strip which primarily involves randomly punching people, interacting with fictional characters and talking about boobs. Yeo is smart, beautiful and way too good for Joe. Don’t tip her off.
First Appearance - Fever Pitch
Irv – Joe’s movie-going sidekick who’s always down for watching Jason Statham crescent moon kick some thug through a plate glass window and getting some drinks before after and during a Vin Diesel movie. Like the majority of the cast he’s obsessed with boobs.
First Appearance - Ong-Bak: The Thai Warrior
Agent 337 George Jones – A government Agent that took over for Joe after he was bad-mouthing President Bush in the V for Vendetta strip. George ran the show for over a month bring a much needed sense of patriotism and justice to both the strips and reviews. He eventually got too attached to his work, empathizing with Joe’s plight to give crappy movies a fair shake. In a way he came to love crappy movies as well and was pushed out of the position. He spiraled out of control and ended up in prison. His adventures will be told in the limited series JLCM Presents: 337 Locked Up which is set to début Christmas of 09.
First Appearance - V for Vendetta
Other Notable Appearances: Stay Alive, Ice age 2, Larry the Cable Guy: Health Inspector, Slither, Here Comes Guest week, Let’s Go To Prison
Leonidas – The former king of Sparta who has traveled into the future and is having trouble coping with the modern times. Yelling loudly and kicking people into giant holes doesn’t really work the same way it did in the olden days. As time as gone by he’s adjusted but it’s a safe bet that he’s always one bad message away from throwing a spear through someone.
First Appearance - 300
Other Notable Appearances: Four Brothers, Strip# 300, The Golden Compass, Rambo, Untraceable, The Ladies of Max Paybe
Palpatine – Former Senator, Emperor of the Galactic Empire, Sith Lord... He shows up in the Joe Loves Crappy movies galaxy on occasion to let people know that they’re being stupid. No one’s really sure how he shows up in this universe but chances are it breaks all kinds of copywrite laws.
First Appearance - Episode III: The Dark Side
Other Notable Appearances: Four Brothers, Night Watch, Saw 3, Are We Done Yet
Slow Billy – Billy is a sweet kid but he’s not the sharpest tool in the shed. If you’re watching him for the day be prepared to explain to him the plot of the movie or how popcorn works or, not so much where babies come from, but what babies are. He’s a complete moron.
First Appearance - Four Brothers
Other Notable Appearances: The Chronicles of Narnia, The Da Vinci Code, Vantage Point, Journey to the Center of the Earth
Kyle the Movie Snob – Be careful what fun facts about movies you tell your friends at a friendly gathering or in line for the latest blockbuster, because if you’re even slightly wrong, Kyle will be more than happy to let you know. He usually gets what’s coming to him though. Poor guy has cracked three ribs since joining the JLCM cast.
First Appearance - Ultraviolet
Other Notable Appearances: 16 Blocks, Pirates of the Caribbean: At World’s End, Transformers, Journey to the Center of the Earth
Jean-Luc Picard – Another lawsuit waiting to happen is Jean Luc Picard who, towards the end of the strip’s first year, became the go-to background character. If there was ever a seat to fill or a random person to place wandering around in the background, nine times out of ten it was Picard. While Picard has crossed paths with Irv he and Joe have never met. Perhaps they will some day but for now just can an eye on the background.
First Appearance - The Producers
Other Notable Appearances: I’m not telling you, that’s no fun. It’ like Where’s Waldo – go find him!
Ice Cream Sandwich – Delicious and… deadly? Usually when you see someone eating an Ice Cream sandwich, someone else is experiencing a substantial amount of pain. Still, how nice is an ice cream sandwich on a hot summer day?
First Appearance - Saw IV
Other Notable Appearances: Bee Movie, Run Fatboy Run, Saw V
