Love crappy movies but are too ashamed to admit it? Are you a big Rob Schneider fan but you're tired of being burned? Not sure if you want to waste your money on the same old movie? That's why you have Joe.
Joe Loves Crappy Movies is by Joseph Dunn. Joe willingly goes to see the very worst that Hollywood has to offer. Whenever a crappy movie comes out Joe will be there to see it, make fun of it, and actually review it. Nothing is safe, and nothing is sacred. From the big budget action disasters to the low brow fart based comedies, to anything starring Martin Lawrence? Joe will tear it apart.
With each entry you'll get not only a comic poking fun at the movie, but also a detailed review. Joe's not educated in film or cinematography or acting, he's just a guy that draws comics and likes movies. So if you're looking for the everyman perspective and a little joke in comic form... you're in the right place.
Obsessed
Starring: Idris Elba, Beyoncé Knowles, Ali Larter, Jerry O'Connell, Christine Lahti
Directed by: Steve Shill
Sony Pictures
The Official Site of Obsessed
Discuss Obsessed on the boards!
Obsessed, a new film about an inappropriate relationship that exists in the mind of a lonely and crazy hot girl, is pure trash. Something that would be admirable had they embraced it and really turned this into a soap-opera-on-the-big-screen collection of moments that progressively got sexier and crazier, but they seem to be playing the part of a movie with a brain when they're not saying anything interesting at all.
The opening of the film moves swiftly. We meet Sharon and Derek (Beyoncé and Idris Elba who is so smooth that he should be cast in every movie) the perfect couple with a new baby, a new house and a mirror on the ceiling of their master sweet (It was left by the old owners but it’s still TRASHY!) Derek is a successful businessman and is instantly attracted to the new temp Lisa (Ali Larter). We know this because when they’re together the camera moves like a pervert, stealing glimpses as she crosses her legs or fixes her shoes.
Some innocent flirting quickly leads to a full-blown obsession as Lisa begins stalking Derek. It’s harmless at first but she soon crossing the line in some very sexy and direct confrontations. A couple of these scenes are definitely hot. The kind of thing that a 12 year-old would stumble upon on cable before his parents are home from work and that he’d fantasize about and associate with sex for years. But they’re few. Far too few for a movie that supposedly build up its femme fatal as some irresistible beast.
That’s not the real problem with Lisa though. She’s hot, seductive and definitely a little disillusioned but as a threat she’s really more annoying than terrifying. In promoting the film Later herself has been comparing Lisa to mistresses of obsession like the leads in Single White Female, The Hand that Rocks the Cradle or the Queen of them all, Glen Close in Fatal Attraction. The comparison is as trashy as the film. These are women that gave unwarranted breast feedings, boiled rabbits and killed Ernie Hudson. All unthinkable acts that stunned audiences into not trusting the innocence of the world around them. Lisa, by comparison, is as menacing as the boiled bunny. “Oh my God, she lies a lot and shows up places she’s not welcome in her underwear! Call 911!”
The person you should really fear is Beyoncé who lets her crazy side out when her family is threatened. And that’s really what this movie is all about, the catfight between Sharon and Lisa that the chaos slowly builds toward. It’s not a bad fight. Head butts, swinging planks of wood and precarious banisters all play a part in getting the audience hooting and hollering, but like the characters themselves, it just doesn’t compare. Couldn’t one of them have gotten stabbed with a broken chair leg or maybe have their head slammed in a refrigerator door? One of them could have at least killed Ernie Hudson. This thing writes itself!
As the movie comes to a close they’re not so subtle in showing you who the true star is. Beyoncé had been a secondary character throughout but takes the spotlight to the extent that in the final shot of the film it freeze-frames on the relieved couple cropping out Idris’ head completely. It left a bad taste in my mouth. It was as if they were forcing us to recognize how wonderful she is even though we’re had all pretty much been on board ever since that head butt. It would have been one thing had the story been told from her perspective all along but just because she saved the day doesn’t mean she’s the only person involved here. It’s just another bad cue in a movie that was consistent only in that it reliably got things wrong.
Rating: 4 out of 10 - I love a great, sexy thriller but this one is not the classic it bills itself to be. Audiences may disagree as the film took the number 1 spot this weekend along with 28 million to cover costs and start early buzz about a sequel. There’s not actually buzz about a sequel but movies that do this well and that write themselves (seriously – just cast Ernie Hudson) are easy money when it comes to sequels.
No way. As nice as that swift set-up is, the film drags in the second half covering months of time with montages and boring conversations. The catfight and the sexier scenes will all be on youtube within the week. Why bother with the formality of rental fees and plot points? In fact… here’s a third of the fight. Soak it in:
Orphan - Oh good - a movie about a scary little girl, as if I wasn’t terrified enough that my own children will just look like Grudge babys. This one has some nice pedigree in stars Peter Sarsgaard and Vera Farmiga, and it actually looks like it might pack a punch behind the dark hair/pale eye, sad child facade. It’s too soon to tell really. I bet though that she’s somehow a ghost.
Is there anything quite as classy as a boner joke? The truth is that most of us with penises are able to control ourselves in public theaters even through the sexiest of scenes. What kind of joke would that be though?
April is coming to a close and it’s officially time to start getting excited about the summer movie season. Many of you may not be excited about Wolverine what with the leak and terrible word of mouth but I’m holding out hope that it’ll actually be fun. Sure it may screw up a variety of B characters including fan favorites Deadpool and Gambit but it’s important to remember that this is Marvel. If they screw up anything too hard they’ll just scrap it and give it another shot a couple years down the line. They’ll probably screw that up too… God, remember how awesome Spider-man 2 was… ?
Joe – The creator of the strip who has embraced giving crappy movies the chance they deserve. Like the majority of the cast he’s obsessed with boobs.
First Appearance - The Introduction
Yeo – Yeo is Joe’s wife and often the voice of reason in the strip. Having her act rational allows the rest of the cast to embrace being in a comic strip which primarily involves randomly punching people, interacting with fictional characters and talking about boobs. Yeo is smart, beautiful and way too good for Joe. Don’t tip her off.
First Appearance - Fever Pitch
Irv – Joe’s movie-going sidekick who’s always down for watching Jason Statham crescent moon kick some thug through a plate glass window and getting some drinks before after and during a Vin Diesel movie. Like the majority of the cast he’s obsessed with boobs.
First Appearance - Ong-Bak: The Thai Warrior
Agent 337 George Jones – A government Agent that took over for Joe after he was bad-mouthing President Bush in the V for Vendetta strip. George ran the show for over a month bring a much needed sense of patriotism and justice to both the strips and reviews. He eventually got too attached to his work, empathizing with Joe’s plight to give crappy movies a fair shake. In a way he came to love crappy movies as well and was pushed out of the position. He spiraled out of control and ended up in prison. His adventures will be told in the limited series JLCM Presents: 337 Locked Up which is set to début Christmas of 09.
First Appearance - V for Vendetta
Other Notable Appearances: Stay Alive, Ice age 2, Larry the Cable Guy: Health Inspector, Slither, Here Comes Guest week, Let’s Go To Prison
Leonidas – The former king of Sparta who has traveled into the future and is having trouble coping with the modern times. Yelling loudly and kicking people into giant holes doesn’t really work the same way it did in the olden days. As time as gone by he’s adjusted but it’s a safe bet that he’s always one bad message away from throwing a spear through someone.
First Appearance - 300
Other Notable Appearances: Four Brothers, Strip# 300, The Golden Compass, Rambo, Untraceable, The Ladies of Max Paybe
Palpatine – Former Senator, Emperor of the Galactic Empire, Sith Lord... He shows up in the Joe Loves Crappy movies galaxy on occasion to let people know that they’re being stupid. No one’s really sure how he shows up in this universe but chances are it breaks all kinds of copywrite laws.
First Appearance - Episode III: The Dark Side
Other Notable Appearances: Four Brothers, Night Watch, Saw 3, Are We Done Yet
Slow Billy – Billy is a sweet kid but he’s not the sharpest tool in the shed. If you’re watching him for the day be prepared to explain to him the plot of the movie or how popcorn works or, not so much where babies come from, but what babies are. He’s a complete moron.
First Appearance - Four Brothers
Other Notable Appearances: The Chronicles of Narnia, The Da Vinci Code, Vantage Point, Journey to the Center of the Earth
Kyle the Movie Snob – Be careful what fun facts about movies you tell your friends at a friendly gathering or in line for the latest blockbuster, because if you’re even slightly wrong, Kyle will be more than happy to let you know. He usually gets what’s coming to him though. Poor guy has cracked three ribs since joining the JLCM cast.
First Appearance - Ultraviolet
Other Notable Appearances: 16 Blocks, Pirates of the Caribbean: At World’s End, Transformers, Journey to the Center of the Earth
Jean-Luc Picard – Another lawsuit waiting to happen is Jean Luc Picard who, towards the end of the strip’s first year, became the go-to background character. If there was ever a seat to fill or a random person to place wandering around in the background, nine times out of ten it was Picard. While Picard has crossed paths with Irv he and Joe have never met. Perhaps they will some day but for now just can an eye on the background.
First Appearance - The Producers
Other Notable Appearances: I’m not telling you, that’s no fun. It’ like Where’s Waldo – go find him!
Ice Cream Sandwich – Delicious and… deadly? Usually when you see someone eating an Ice Cream sandwich, someone else is experiencing a substantial amount of pain. Still, how nice is an ice cream sandwich on a hot summer day?
First Appearance - Saw IV
Other Notable Appearances: Bee Movie, Run Fatboy Run, Saw V
