Love crappy movies but are too ashamed to admit it? Are you a big Rob Schneider fan but you're tired of being burned? Not sure if you want to waste your money on the same old movie? That's why you have Joe.
Joe Loves Crappy Movies is by Joseph Dunn. Joe willingly goes to see the very worst that Hollywood has to offer. Whenever a crappy movie comes out Joe will be there to see it, make fun of it, and actually review it. Nothing is safe, and nothing is sacred. From the big budget action disasters to the low brow fart based comedies, to anything starring Martin Lawrence? Joe will tear it apart.
With each entry you'll get not only a comic poking fun at the movie, but also a detailed review. Joe's not educated in film or cinematography or acting, he's just a guy that draws comics and likes movies. So if you're looking for the everyman perspective and a little joke in comic form... you're in the right place.
I wanna High Five the RZA
I heard about this contest last week for a walk-on role in Judd Apatow’s latest film Funny People and thought it would be an interesting challenge. Especially by taking the stance of wanting to win but not because of the movie. Here is my official entry as presented in the strip:
I’m gonna be honest– I don’t care about your movie, I just want to high five RZA. There’s nothing unique that I could offer your film, I’m not smart, funny or handsome, in fact I’m reasonably sure if I’d lived in the Middle Ages my mediocrity would’ve gotten me killed, and not even in a cool way… but if I win, I could high five RZA! Not JUST a high five but a series of high fives with costumes and props. The kind of epic high fiving that makes children weep or that Neil Young would write a song about.
The contest rules limit you to 100 words or less which is way more limiting than it sounds. The natural instinct when writing something like this is that 100 words will give you plenty of time to cut loose and act crazy. I didn’t get halfway through my Medieval death analogy before I noticed the word count was in the high 70s. Some heavy editing went into this. I learned to love “would’ve” instead of “would have” and suffered over deleting decorative adverbs and the inevitable sexual tension that would happen after the amount of high fiving implied above. It came out as well as I could get it to but another 50 words would have been a dream come true.
Not that I expect to win. With about 15000 entries to date and another 3 weeks of eligibility there’s bound to be, I don know, 14874 more qualified contestants than me. And that’s only because the other 13 people just repeat the word “penis” over and over again. Actually that’s not too bad…
Not only is all the “penis” talk working against me, but so is this comic and write-up. Just exposing this to a wider audience does nothing but invite more competition. Chances are at least 1 out of every 100 people that reads this will take a shot at winning themselves, and if you win I want partial credit! I want a walk on in your walk on, if such a thing were possible. Scratch that. I want you to wear a T-shirt with my face on it and the words “Joe Rules!” in all caps. Deal?
Saying that “I don’t care about the movie” is far from true. I’ve really enjoyed the films Apatow has put together in the past though I try to recognize the failures as much as the successes. I still have nightmares about Drillbit Taylor. Nothing will wake you from a deep sleep faster than the image of goofy, loveable homeless people trying to teach your kids critical life lessons. So if I implied otherwise it was just for the joke. Truthfully the chance to high five someone like the RZA or Adam Sandler or Eric Bana (I’ve seen Lucky You at least 6 times. Willingly.) would be a huge thrill. I wonder though how they’d respond to me immediately following the high five with a frantic dash out of the room. I intimidate easily.
Thanks for reading. Back with more soon.
Joe – The creator of the strip who has embraced giving crappy movies the chance they deserve. Like the majority of the cast he’s obsessed with boobs.
First Appearance - The Introduction
Yeo – Yeo is Joe’s wife and often the voice of reason in the strip. Having her act rational allows the rest of the cast to embrace being in a comic strip which primarily involves randomly punching people, interacting with fictional characters and talking about boobs. Yeo is smart, beautiful and way too good for Joe. Don’t tip her off.
First Appearance - Fever Pitch
Irv – Joe’s movie-going sidekick who’s always down for watching Jason Statham crescent moon kick some thug through a plate glass window and getting some drinks before after and during a Vin Diesel movie. Like the majority of the cast he’s obsessed with boobs.
First Appearance - Ong-Bak: The Thai Warrior
Agent 337 George Jones – A government Agent that took over for Joe after he was bad-mouthing President Bush in the V for Vendetta strip. George ran the show for over a month bring a much needed sense of patriotism and justice to both the strips and reviews. He eventually got too attached to his work, empathizing with Joe’s plight to give crappy movies a fair shake. In a way he came to love crappy movies as well and was pushed out of the position. He spiraled out of control and ended up in prison. His adventures will be told in the limited series JLCM Presents: 337 Locked Up which is set to début Christmas of 09.
First Appearance - V for Vendetta
Other Notable Appearances: Stay Alive, Ice age 2, Larry the Cable Guy: Health Inspector, Slither, Here Comes Guest week, Let’s Go To Prison
Leonidas – The former king of Sparta who has traveled into the future and is having trouble coping with the modern times. Yelling loudly and kicking people into giant holes doesn’t really work the same way it did in the olden days. As time as gone by he’s adjusted but it’s a safe bet that he’s always one bad message away from throwing a spear through someone.
First Appearance - 300
Other Notable Appearances: Four Brothers, Strip# 300, The Golden Compass, Rambo, Untraceable, The Ladies of Max Paybe
Palpatine – Former Senator, Emperor of the Galactic Empire, Sith Lord... He shows up in the Joe Loves Crappy movies galaxy on occasion to let people know that they’re being stupid. No one’s really sure how he shows up in this universe but chances are it breaks all kinds of copywrite laws.
First Appearance - Episode III: The Dark Side
Other Notable Appearances: Four Brothers, Night Watch, Saw 3, Are We Done Yet
Slow Billy – Billy is a sweet kid but he’s not the sharpest tool in the shed. If you’re watching him for the day be prepared to explain to him the plot of the movie or how popcorn works or, not so much where babies come from, but what babies are. He’s a complete moron.
First Appearance - Four Brothers
Other Notable Appearances: The Chronicles of Narnia, The Da Vinci Code, Vantage Point, Journey to the Center of the Earth
Kyle the Movie Snob – Be careful what fun facts about movies you tell your friends at a friendly gathering or in line for the latest blockbuster, because if you’re even slightly wrong, Kyle will be more than happy to let you know. He usually gets what’s coming to him though. Poor guy has cracked three ribs since joining the JLCM cast.
First Appearance - Ultraviolet
Other Notable Appearances: 16 Blocks, Pirates of the Caribbean: At World’s End, Transformers, Journey to the Center of the Earth
Jean-Luc Picard – Another lawsuit waiting to happen is Jean Luc Picard who, towards the end of the strip’s first year, became the go-to background character. If there was ever a seat to fill or a random person to place wandering around in the background, nine times out of ten it was Picard. While Picard has crossed paths with Irv he and Joe have never met. Perhaps they will some day but for now just can an eye on the background.
First Appearance - The Producers
Other Notable Appearances: I’m not telling you, that’s no fun. It’ like Where’s Waldo – go find him!
Ice Cream Sandwich – Delicious and… deadly? Usually when you see someone eating an Ice Cream sandwich, someone else is experiencing a substantial amount of pain. Still, how nice is an ice cream sandwich on a hot summer day?
First Appearance - Saw IV
Other Notable Appearances: Bee Movie, Run Fatboy Run, Saw V
