Love crappy movies but are too ashamed to admit it? Are you a big Rob Schneider fan but you're tired of being burned? Not sure if you want to waste your money on the same old movie? That's why you have Joe.
Joe Loves Crappy Movies is by Joseph Dunn. Joe willingly goes to see the very worst that Hollywood has to offer. Whenever a crappy movie comes out Joe will be there to see it, make fun of it, and actually review it. Nothing is safe, and nothing is sacred. From the big budget action disasters to the low brow fart based comedies, to anything starring Martin Lawrence? Joe will tear it apart.
With each entry you'll get not only a comic poking fun at the movie, but also a detailed review. Joe's not educated in film or cinematography or acting, he's just a guy that draws comics and likes movies. So if you're looking for the everyman perspective and a little joke in comic form... you're in the right place.
Sahara
Released: 4/08/05
Viewed: 7:00pm 4/06/05
Starring: Matthew McConaughey, Penelope Cruz, Steve Zahn. William H. Macy
Directed by: Breck Eisner
When beautiful people go into the deserts of Africa to fight water pollution and search for civil war era armored boats, how good could the movie possibly be? Well pretty good but nothing to rent a camel over.
Let me get this out of the way - I'm a McConaughey fan. He's had a few misses in his time, but his easy attitude and southern style translate really well on screen. He's actually the guy that men want to be and woman want to be with. So when I saw he was the star I knew no matter how bad the movie looked I was going to see it. Even reading that the dashing treasure hunter he played was named ?Dirk Pitt', wouldn't keep me away. But seriously, what kind of name is Dirk Pitt?
For all my searching I had a lot of trouble find real problems with the movie. Great opening action scene. The action and comedy within the action are spot on. The story and set up are even interesting and intriguing. There are no weak links in the cast. Delroy Lindo is even in this bad mamajama for a few scenes. That's all you really need!
The only fault I could give this movie is that ? the desert gets a little boring. I would have punched the person next to me right in the throat to see a different local. At one point they talk about they're next stop being Australia and I perked up and clutched my complimentary Sahara postcard in anticipation. But they just get lost in the desert?
Different locations can really save a treasure hunt movie. You want to feel like you're constantly moving. Look at the Indiana Jones movies or even more recently National Treasure. They go all over the world and the result is a fast paced adventure that could go anywhere and do anything. No matter what happens in Sahara you never feel like the next scene wont have sand in it.
Still, it was a really fun ride. When they have success you cheer for them. When they get in trouble you worry for them. When Zahn complains over loosing his hat you laugh your ass off. But it was missing something special. All the right points were hit but possibly not enough. They didn't take it to the next level which, sadly to say in this day and age - you have to take it to the next level.
Spending 2 hours in the desert has certainly been worse. I'm not sure I can think of a time when it's been better, but 2/3rds of the way in you'll realize that there's a reason people don't spend that much time in the desert. Worth seeing if you can get in with a good crowd. Alone this one might fall flat.
6 out of 10
DVD worthy: I'm going with "no" for now but if the price were right and I was sick of watching the Rundown ? I could see it happening.
Joe – The creator of the strip who has embraced giving crappy movies the chance they deserve. Like the majority of the cast he’s obsessed with boobs.
First Appearance - The Introduction
Yeo – Yeo is Joe’s wife and often the voice of reason in the strip. Having her act rational allows the rest of the cast to embrace being in a comic strip which primarily involves randomly punching people, interacting with fictional characters and talking about boobs. Yeo is smart, beautiful and way too good for Joe. Don’t tip her off.
First Appearance - Fever Pitch
Irv – Joe’s movie-going sidekick who’s always down for watching Jason Statham crescent moon kick some thug through a plate glass window and getting some drinks before after and during a Vin Diesel movie. Like the majority of the cast he’s obsessed with boobs.
First Appearance - Ong-Bak: The Thai Warrior
Agent 337 George Jones – A government Agent that took over for Joe after he was bad-mouthing President Bush in the V for Vendetta strip. George ran the show for over a month bring a much needed sense of patriotism and justice to both the strips and reviews. He eventually got too attached to his work, empathizing with Joe’s plight to give crappy movies a fair shake. In a way he came to love crappy movies as well and was pushed out of the position. He spiraled out of control and ended up in prison. His adventures will be told in the limited series JLCM Presents: 337 Locked Up which is set to début Christmas of 09.
First Appearance - V for Vendetta
Other Notable Appearances: Stay Alive, Ice age 2, Larry the Cable Guy: Health Inspector, Slither, Here Comes Guest week, Let’s Go To Prison
Leonidas – The former king of Sparta who has traveled into the future and is having trouble coping with the modern times. Yelling loudly and kicking people into giant holes doesn’t really work the same way it did in the olden days. As time as gone by he’s adjusted but it’s a safe bet that he’s always one bad message away from throwing a spear through someone.
First Appearance - 300
Other Notable Appearances: Four Brothers, Strip# 300, The Golden Compass, Rambo, Untraceable, The Ladies of Max Paybe
Palpatine – Former Senator, Emperor of the Galactic Empire, Sith Lord... He shows up in the Joe Loves Crappy movies galaxy on occasion to let people know that they’re being stupid. No one’s really sure how he shows up in this universe but chances are it breaks all kinds of copywrite laws.
First Appearance - Episode III: The Dark Side
Other Notable Appearances: Four Brothers, Night Watch, Saw 3, Are We Done Yet
Slow Billy – Billy is a sweet kid but he’s not the sharpest tool in the shed. If you’re watching him for the day be prepared to explain to him the plot of the movie or how popcorn works or, not so much where babies come from, but what babies are. He’s a complete moron.
First Appearance - Four Brothers
Other Notable Appearances: The Chronicles of Narnia, The Da Vinci Code, Vantage Point, Journey to the Center of the Earth
Kyle the Movie Snob – Be careful what fun facts about movies you tell your friends at a friendly gathering or in line for the latest blockbuster, because if you’re even slightly wrong, Kyle will be more than happy to let you know. He usually gets what’s coming to him though. Poor guy has cracked three ribs since joining the JLCM cast.
First Appearance - Ultraviolet
Other Notable Appearances: 16 Blocks, Pirates of the Caribbean: At World’s End, Transformers, Journey to the Center of the Earth
Jean-Luc Picard – Another lawsuit waiting to happen is Jean Luc Picard who, towards the end of the strip’s first year, became the go-to background character. If there was ever a seat to fill or a random person to place wandering around in the background, nine times out of ten it was Picard. While Picard has crossed paths with Irv he and Joe have never met. Perhaps they will some day but for now just can an eye on the background.
First Appearance - The Producers
Other Notable Appearances: I’m not telling you, that’s no fun. It’ like Where’s Waldo – go find him!
Ice Cream Sandwich – Delicious and… deadly? Usually when you see someone eating an Ice Cream sandwich, someone else is experiencing a substantial amount of pain. Still, how nice is an ice cream sandwich on a hot summer day?
First Appearance - Saw IV
Other Notable Appearances: Bee Movie, Run Fatboy Run, Saw V
