Love crappy movies but are too ashamed to admit it? Are you a big Rob Schneider fan but you're tired of being burned? Not sure if you want to waste your money on the same old movie? That's why you have Joe.
Joe Loves Crappy Movies is by Joseph Dunn. Joe willingly goes to see the very worst that Hollywood has to offer. Whenever a crappy movie comes out Joe will be there to see it, make fun of it, and actually review it. Nothing is safe, and nothing is sacred. From the big budget action disasters to the low brow fart based comedies, to anything starring Martin Lawrence? Joe will tear it apart.
With each entry you'll get not only a comic poking fun at the movie, but also a detailed review. Joe's not educated in film or cinematography or acting, he's just a guy that draws comics and likes movies. So if you're looking for the everyman perspective and a little joke in comic form... you're in the right place.
King's Ransom
Released: 5/13/05
Viewed: 4:50:pm 5/18/05
Starring: Anthony Anderson, Jay Mohr, Donald Faison, Charley Murphy, Regina Hall, Nicole Ari Parker
Directed by: Jeff Byrd
Every once in a while a real unexpected treasure comes along. The kind of movie that makes you remember why you loved going to the movies in the first place. This summer, that movie? was Batman. King's Ransom, on the other hand, reminds you how valuable $10.25 can be.
It's bad. Like Soul Plane bad. This is so bad that Direct to video is too kind. It plays out like a UPN made for TV movie. But we all know UPN doesn't have the money to afford stars like Anthony Anderson (Kangaroo Jack), or Jamie Fox's girlfriend? whatsername. But even with these powerful choices in acting, many of you may be asking why I bothered to see the movie at all. Well as bad as the actual product was, the advertising campaign was GOLD! A King's ransom worth of GOLD!!!
Seriously ? in my little neighbor hood the posters for King's Ransom were all over the place. And presented on this poster were Anderson surrounded by Jay Mohr a bevy of beautiful women, and Charlie freakin' Murphy! I'm a sucker for a low brow comedy with beautiful ladies. And honestly whose not? Admit it. You get drunk and watch Van Wilder at least once a year. We all do.
So it does have plenty of hot chicks. But they're acting like maniacs the whole time, and none of them were slutty enough to justify sitting through this movie. I mean, it's this uncivilized, teen targeted movie that's rated R, right? How am I not seeing at least one boob!? Come on! But it's ok. The lack of boob can often be made up by hilarity.
So where was that? There are like four or five solid laughs in this movie, and unfortunately they all depend on you being an ignorant idiot. The scene depicted in the comic where Mohr exposes himself to a woman, actually happens. And you know they were going for a sort of "He's SO CA-RA-ZY!" sort of moment. But it's so out of the blue and unnecessary that you're shocked longer then you're laughing. Beyond that, in this movie the real funny parts are never the jokes crafted in the script, rather the way the lines are delivered. Anderson is a genuinely funny guy that has made horrible decisions. In the scene with the mustard on the sandwich he delivers crude boring writing with real comedic power. Pick a good script, man! Go back on Veronica Mars, that show is the bomb!
The cast is so big with so many characters running all over the place. Normally I'm all about this. I love comical misunderstandings and miscommunications. But here you have real opportunities going to waste. Charlie Murphy plays a kidnapper that just got out of jail. And yeah, he's on the down low. (Don't know what that means? Call your cousin who lives in the city.) He's paired up with Donald Faison from Scrubs. Both are enormously funny guys and they just go to waste.
Unfortunately that's the story throughout. Wasted talent, a story trying to be smart and layered, but failing miserably. Still, walking out Irv and I discussed how bad it actually was. He wanted to give it a 1. Ridiculous. Nothing is that bad. And even if it was there were still hot girls in it. Where are your damn priorities?
Anyway, a few hard won laughs (Mohr going crazy at the end was a nice twist) earn this film a 3 out of 10 There are few movies that are truly a waste of time. This is not one of them. It's not for everyone, but it's not completely worthless. It's not like the movie didn't make sense. I just didn't care.
DVD worthy?: Sorry, it's my policy not to negotiate with terrorists.
If you liked this movie check out : 916-225-5887
That's the name of a brain surgeon in California. He'll be able to help you with your problem.
Ok, seriously. Check out Rat Race This is a crazy complicated comedy with tons of stuff going on, and it's actually done well. It also brings together some seriously funny people (Seth Green, John Cleese, Rowan Atkinson, John Lovitz) and let's them be funny without being a jackass. Entertaining throughout Rat Race is a rock solid mad camp romp.
Joe – The creator of the strip who has embraced giving crappy movies the chance they deserve. Like the majority of the cast he’s obsessed with boobs.
First Appearance - The Introduction
Yeo – Yeo is Joe’s wife and often the voice of reason in the strip. Having her act rational allows the rest of the cast to embrace being in a comic strip which primarily involves randomly punching people, interacting with fictional characters and talking about boobs. Yeo is smart, beautiful and way too good for Joe. Don’t tip her off.
First Appearance - Fever Pitch
Irv – Joe’s movie-going sidekick who’s always down for watching Jason Statham crescent moon kick some thug through a plate glass window and getting some drinks before after and during a Vin Diesel movie. Like the majority of the cast he’s obsessed with boobs.
First Appearance - Ong-Bak: The Thai Warrior
Agent 337 George Jones – A government Agent that took over for Joe after he was bad-mouthing President Bush in the V for Vendetta strip. George ran the show for over a month bring a much needed sense of patriotism and justice to both the strips and reviews. He eventually got too attached to his work, empathizing with Joe’s plight to give crappy movies a fair shake. In a way he came to love crappy movies as well and was pushed out of the position. He spiraled out of control and ended up in prison. His adventures will be told in the limited series JLCM Presents: 337 Locked Up which is set to début Christmas of 09.
First Appearance - V for Vendetta
Other Notable Appearances: Stay Alive, Ice age 2, Larry the Cable Guy: Health Inspector, Slither, Here Comes Guest week, Let’s Go To Prison
Leonidas – The former king of Sparta who has traveled into the future and is having trouble coping with the modern times. Yelling loudly and kicking people into giant holes doesn’t really work the same way it did in the olden days. As time as gone by he’s adjusted but it’s a safe bet that he’s always one bad message away from throwing a spear through someone.
First Appearance - 300
Other Notable Appearances: Four Brothers, Strip# 300, The Golden Compass, Rambo, Untraceable, The Ladies of Max Paybe
Palpatine – Former Senator, Emperor of the Galactic Empire, Sith Lord... He shows up in the Joe Loves Crappy movies galaxy on occasion to let people know that they’re being stupid. No one’s really sure how he shows up in this universe but chances are it breaks all kinds of copywrite laws.
First Appearance - Episode III: The Dark Side
Other Notable Appearances: Four Brothers, Night Watch, Saw 3, Are We Done Yet
Slow Billy – Billy is a sweet kid but he’s not the sharpest tool in the shed. If you’re watching him for the day be prepared to explain to him the plot of the movie or how popcorn works or, not so much where babies come from, but what babies are. He’s a complete moron.
First Appearance - Four Brothers
Other Notable Appearances: The Chronicles of Narnia, The Da Vinci Code, Vantage Point, Journey to the Center of the Earth
Kyle the Movie Snob – Be careful what fun facts about movies you tell your friends at a friendly gathering or in line for the latest blockbuster, because if you’re even slightly wrong, Kyle will be more than happy to let you know. He usually gets what’s coming to him though. Poor guy has cracked three ribs since joining the JLCM cast.
First Appearance - Ultraviolet
Other Notable Appearances: 16 Blocks, Pirates of the Caribbean: At World’s End, Transformers, Journey to the Center of the Earth
Jean-Luc Picard – Another lawsuit waiting to happen is Jean Luc Picard who, towards the end of the strip’s first year, became the go-to background character. If there was ever a seat to fill or a random person to place wandering around in the background, nine times out of ten it was Picard. While Picard has crossed paths with Irv he and Joe have never met. Perhaps they will some day but for now just can an eye on the background.
First Appearance - The Producers
Other Notable Appearances: I’m not telling you, that’s no fun. It’ like Where’s Waldo – go find him!
Ice Cream Sandwich – Delicious and… deadly? Usually when you see someone eating an Ice Cream sandwich, someone else is experiencing a substantial amount of pain. Still, how nice is an ice cream sandwich on a hot summer day?
First Appearance - Saw IV
Other Notable Appearances: Bee Movie, Run Fatboy Run, Saw V
