Love crappy movies but are too ashamed to admit it? Are you a big Rob Schneider fan but you're tired of being burned? Not sure if you want to waste your money on the same old movie? That's why you have Joe.
Joe Loves Crappy Movies is by Joseph Dunn. Joe willingly goes to see the very worst that Hollywood has to offer. Whenever a crappy movie comes out Joe will be there to see it, make fun of it, and actually review it. Nothing is safe, and nothing is sacred. From the big budget action disasters to the low brow fart based comedies, to anything starring Martin Lawrence? Joe will tear it apart.
With each entry you'll get not only a comic poking fun at the movie, but also a detailed review. Joe's not educated in film or cinematography or acting, he's just a guy that draws comics and likes movies. So if you're looking for the everyman perspective and a little joke in comic form... you're in the right place.
The Omen
Released: 06/06/06
Viewed: 2:35am 06/06/06
Starring: Julia Stiles, Liev Schreiber, Seamus Davey-Fitzpatrick, Pete Postlethwaite, David Thewlis, Mia Farrow
Directed by: John Moore
20th Century Fox Official Site of the movie
About The Comic: For those of you a little lost, I’ve drawn Jesus as a towering Transformer because earlier this month in the comic for The Da Vinci Code it was speculated that Christ was in fact one of our favorite shape-changing robots. That’s a joke that I refuse to let die easily. Plus the image of a Transformer punting a small child over a graveyard seemed appealing on some sick level. Enjoy. On to the review:
Let’s face facts. This remake of The Omen is a promotional gimmick meant to cash in on the spectacle of the date June 6th, 2006. Which of course refers to “666” – the sign of the devil! The mark of the beast! It makes sense, I mean in its way it’s kind of clever. I’m sure whoever originally came up with the idea to exploit a date of the year had an orgasm right there on the spot. And that quivering producer knew then what everyone with half a brain knows now. That it’s going to freaking work.
People love bizarre coincidences and being part of special events. And they love numbers! Face it, you love numbers too. Think about it. How many times today did you use numbers? Five, six times? And you’ve only been up for an hour and a half! See that right there, where you counted the total number of times you used numbers? That’s counting. Using… you guessed it - NUMBERS!
Sorry about that. It was a lot of fun though wasn’t it?
My original point was that people love to be part of a big coincidence. Because of that, a mediocre looking film of recycled material will draw in larger crowds than normal. Me included. I saw The Omen on 6/6/06 because I wanted to be part of it. I wanted to be part of the spectacle, part of the machine, part of the problem, and a ton of other people did too. At 2:35 in the afternoon the place was ass-packed with people ready to be terrified by the coincidence of it all. Here’s the thing though, something that people always seem to overlook: A little kid holding a rope is as terrifying as a chance series of numbers.
Sadly that there’s not much in The Omen that’s frightening. There are a couple of loud noises and I’d say 4 or 5 jumps that I felt were more exciting than terrifying. But they did get a good reaction out of the crowd. Oh man, when they go to the graveyard… don’t blink. Don’t blink at anything after that point. The finale of the movie contains the best moments of exhilaration and expectation. Not to mention the majority of their special effects budget which was used perfectly. Some really great stuff including two moments that had me clapping and cheering.
Little Damien is there more for comic relief than anything else. Go see this movie with a big crowd and watch. Every time he’s being ushered from a room he’ll turn to whomever he’s being ushered from and squint. At this point you might as well cue the theater worker to flip on the “laughter” sign because even the most morbidly disturbed wannabe vampire Goth with zero sense of humor will still let out a little chuckle.
It’s just impossible to buy this kid as scary. It’s like being afraid of a kitten playing with a brown paper bag.
The real horror comes from what might happen to you after the kid squints at you. It’s just these brutal accidental deaths that could have been avoided had anyone in this movie bothered to see Final Destination 3. The setup and ultimate demise of half the characters in this film is of course very different from the “cheating death” theme of the Final Destination franchise, but the warning system used is a perfect photo copy of the one used in FD3. Get it? “Photo”. No? Well go see the damn movie.
Seriously, I see a ton of crappy movies but it was worth it to see FD3 because I would have seen the warning signs and lived through The Omen. (For more on the comparisons between The Omen and FD3, scroll down to the If You Liked This Movie… section. )
Even though this is a remake (that I hear is nearly shot for shot the same as the original) and a huge marketing gimmick, I have to admire them for coming out with their guns blazing. The story is really well put together. It’s half freaky kid terrorizing his family and half mystery solving adventure. The latter section where Damien’s father and a photographer who stumbles upon the truth (David Thewlis) follow the clues to learn the truth, was a lot of fun. It’s a good old fashion fact-finding mission and I thought it worked particularly well. It brought me back into the movie with anticipation and curiosity.
The lead actors all work really well without going too big. I’m a fan of Liev Schreiber, and even though he’s sort of in classic-movie-remake hell, he’s still good and it’s still good to see him. Julia Stiles looks great and I buy her in this role that is more adult than I would have thought she was ready for. I still think of her as a teen actress even though she was believable in the Jason Bourne films. She’s good here though. It’s nice to see her career expanding.
Damien was played by Seamus Davey-Fitzpatrick who served his purpose. I think he has something like 2 lines in the entire film so his only real requirement is to look ultra creepy. He does that pretty well, aside from drawing all those laughs with his squinting and pouting. It’s no big deal though. If anything the laughing just got the crowd more involved with the movie experience.
Mia Farrow is a complete whack job.
Overall I’d have to say that I was impressed. Despite it being a gimmick and a remake, the filmmakers really put together a nice package. It’s not epic or brilliant but it’s fun. Is it better than the original? I couldn’t say honestly because I haven’t seen it in years, but I can say with all confidence that the death scenes in the remake are incredible and I can’t imagine 1976 special effects could’ve come close to what they were able to do here.
Rating: 7 out of 10
A nice little surprise. I got a little wrapped up in the exhibition of it all but that’s ok every now and then. There’s nothing wrong with getting excited about going to the movies.
DVD Worthy?:
Nah. It was a lot of fun but would lose a lot of its appeal on a second viewing. And I can’t imagine any behind the scenes footage that would bring anything worthwhile to the table. For people that are really into horror I could see The Omen being worth 10 bucks. Jesutron knows I’ve spent 10 bucks on worse.
If you liked this movie check out: Final Destination 3
I’m not sure who's ripping off whom here because I never saw the original Omen, but if they had the photo prophecies and the elaborate, seemingly accidental, death traps in that movie then Final Destination 3 deserved its crap box office return. If those elements weren’t in the 1976 cut of The Omen then the producers of this remake must have been making a lot of angry phone calls when Final Destination 3 bowed this past winter.
The gimmicks are the same but they play very differently. Final Destination 3 sensationalized it making the movies real draw not the story or the people in it, but the way those people died. The Omen has a real story going on but adds in cool death scenes just for good measure.
The whole idea of photographs as clues to future deaths was tacky and obvious in FD3. The Omen traded literal representations of future deaths for imperfections on the negatives. The clue wasn’t a bear about to chomp into someone’s head; it was a smudge that resembled a spike or a noose or whatever. They made the characters work harder to not only interpret the clues, but even discover them at all. It’s never as much fun when the movie spells it out for you.
FD3 isn’t a complete waste though. The story is a mess and they piss all over how good Final Destination 2 was, but some of those death scenes are pretty sweet.
Trailer Hitch: Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Beginning
After the success of 2003’s remake of
The Texas Chainsaw Massacre starring
Jessica Biel a sequel, or a prequel, or something was certainly in order. The remake seemed unnecessary since the original still held up and was still scary as balls, but it worked. I feel like they set their own tone and introduced this crazy family to a whole new generation. And for that, it was worthwhile.
Going back to the early days in Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Beginning seems like the right move. Will it answer some burning questions about the family’s past? Do we even want it to? I’m not sure. Part of me likes the idea of Leatherface’s anonymity. We know just enough to understand the character and still keep him freaky. Do we need to know more?
The teaser is pretty well put together. Lots of quick cuts and creepy dialogue with that buzzing twang and freeze-frame that creeped the hell out of me in the trailers for the 2003 remake. The weirdest thing is that the audience I saw The Omen with didn’t realize it was TCM until the titles came up. Then there was cheering and a couple of scattered people shouting “Hells Yeah Borhiem!” And I just looked around befuddled wondering what the hell was wrong with everyone. I half expected Senator Palpatine to walk out and “Uh-DUUUH!” the whole crowd. Whatever, the movie looks solid.
Vote incentive:
Today’s incentive is Jesutron admiring his handiwork. Don’t forget to vote over at Top Web too. The double incentive day earlier this week worked out great, I’ll have another one of those coming up.
Non Movie Related Stuff.
Not much today. Just some incentive news as I retire one event and crown the next. Over at Clickwheel I’ve added the complete run of incentive images for the What if Joe Was Laurence Fishburne? event. It was a short event, only 11 images, but it was still fun. I need to get the eye patch series up there.
I couldn’t decide what theme I wanted for the next incentive event so over on the boards I put it to a vote. What should be next?
1.)The many forms of Jesus
2.) Irv in women’s clothing
3.) Lindsay Lohan’s boobs
You decide!
That’s it for now but there’s a very special comic going up on Saturday night. See you then!
Live Journal/Myspace/Rotten Tomatoes/Buzz Comix/Top Web Comics/Comics on the Ipod/The Webcomics List/Online Comics/Wikipedia/Comixpedia/JLCM Map!
Joe – The creator of the strip who has embraced giving crappy movies the chance they deserve. Like the majority of the cast he’s obsessed with boobs.
First Appearance - The Introduction
Yeo – Yeo is Joe’s wife and often the voice of reason in the strip. Having her act rational allows the rest of the cast to embrace being in a comic strip which primarily involves randomly punching people, interacting with fictional characters and talking about boobs. Yeo is smart, beautiful and way too good for Joe. Don’t tip her off.
First Appearance - Fever Pitch
Irv – Joe’s movie-going sidekick who’s always down for watching Jason Statham crescent moon kick some thug through a plate glass window and getting some drinks before after and during a Vin Diesel movie. Like the majority of the cast he’s obsessed with boobs.
First Appearance - Ong-Bak: The Thai Warrior
Agent 337 George Jones – A government Agent that took over for Joe after he was bad-mouthing President Bush in the V for Vendetta strip. George ran the show for over a month bring a much needed sense of patriotism and justice to both the strips and reviews. He eventually got too attached to his work, empathizing with Joe’s plight to give crappy movies a fair shake. In a way he came to love crappy movies as well and was pushed out of the position. He spiraled out of control and ended up in prison. His adventures will be told in the limited series JLCM Presents: 337 Locked Up which is set to début Christmas of 09.
First Appearance - V for Vendetta
Other Notable Appearances: Stay Alive, Ice age 2, Larry the Cable Guy: Health Inspector, Slither, Here Comes Guest week, Let’s Go To Prison
Leonidas – The former king of Sparta who has traveled into the future and is having trouble coping with the modern times. Yelling loudly and kicking people into giant holes doesn’t really work the same way it did in the olden days. As time as gone by he’s adjusted but it’s a safe bet that he’s always one bad message away from throwing a spear through someone.
First Appearance - 300
Other Notable Appearances: Four Brothers, Strip# 300, The Golden Compass, Rambo, Untraceable, The Ladies of Max Paybe
Palpatine – Former Senator, Emperor of the Galactic Empire, Sith Lord... He shows up in the Joe Loves Crappy movies galaxy on occasion to let people know that they’re being stupid. No one’s really sure how he shows up in this universe but chances are it breaks all kinds of copywrite laws.
First Appearance - Episode III: The Dark Side
Other Notable Appearances: Four Brothers, Night Watch, Saw 3, Are We Done Yet
Slow Billy – Billy is a sweet kid but he’s not the sharpest tool in the shed. If you’re watching him for the day be prepared to explain to him the plot of the movie or how popcorn works or, not so much where babies come from, but what babies are. He’s a complete moron.
First Appearance - Four Brothers
Other Notable Appearances: The Chronicles of Narnia, The Da Vinci Code, Vantage Point, Journey to the Center of the Earth
Kyle the Movie Snob – Be careful what fun facts about movies you tell your friends at a friendly gathering or in line for the latest blockbuster, because if you’re even slightly wrong, Kyle will be more than happy to let you know. He usually gets what’s coming to him though. Poor guy has cracked three ribs since joining the JLCM cast.
First Appearance - Ultraviolet
Other Notable Appearances: 16 Blocks, Pirates of the Caribbean: At World’s End, Transformers, Journey to the Center of the Earth
Jean-Luc Picard – Another lawsuit waiting to happen is Jean Luc Picard who, towards the end of the strip’s first year, became the go-to background character. If there was ever a seat to fill or a random person to place wandering around in the background, nine times out of ten it was Picard. While Picard has crossed paths with Irv he and Joe have never met. Perhaps they will some day but for now just can an eye on the background.
First Appearance - The Producers
Other Notable Appearances: I’m not telling you, that’s no fun. It’ like Where’s Waldo – go find him!
Ice Cream Sandwich – Delicious and… deadly? Usually when you see someone eating an Ice Cream sandwich, someone else is experiencing a substantial amount of pain. Still, how nice is an ice cream sandwich on a hot summer day?
First Appearance - Saw IV
Other Notable Appearances: Bee Movie, Run Fatboy Run, Saw V
