Released: 03/31/06

Viewed: 5:10pm 04/01/06

Starring: Nathan Fillion, Elizabeth Banks, Gregg Henry, Michael Rooker

Directed by: James Gunn

Fox Searchlight Official Site of the movie

By the ungodly sounds of Donald Rumsfeld ‘s ass, Slither was completely amazing! I’m convinced, in fact, that the only thing that could have made the movie more eerie, more terrifying, and more disgusting would be the sweet sounds of Donald Rumsfeld’s ass.

I don’t normally go in for this type of movie. Gross out horror movies are as appealing as gross out comedies. I’m as anxious to see somebody’s lower intestine spilled on a cement floor as I am to see Ben Stiller’s man pouch stuck in a zipper. But somehow the slimy slugs of Slither desperately trying to crawl inside the mouths of some yokel hillbillies was invigorating.

Slither is about a small town that comes under alien invasion. The aliens nest, reproduce, and inhabit all life until they suck the planet dry and move on. Cool, I know. Even cooler is that every life form taken over gains the memories and knowledge of every other being taken over. One mind, one being. Like the Borg or those freaks in The Faculty. No kidding, I almost crapped my pants at the sheer awesomeness and possibilities of an army of unified soldiers. Sure it turns them into helpless drones/road kill devouring zombie mutants, but it’s nice to be part of a group!

Everywhere you looked dozens of slugs were sliding along the wall, up the stairs, or into the tub, purposefully looking for a new life to inhabit. Is it wrong that I wanted the bad guys to win? If the inhabited humans had half the ambition and drive of these shoe sized alien babies then we’d have a damn moon base by now. I’m sick the laziness of man hurting technological advancement. We were supposed to have flying cars by now dammet!

Michael Rooker plays the human that makes first contact and acts as the primary host for the alien being. Hours of make up combined with an already grizzled mug make him one of the freakiest looking movie creatures in ages. He makes that kid in Masque look as like Jessica Alba’s right butt cheek. Not the left one. The right one. Look. There’s a difference.

As the beast Rooker is filled with unexpected delights. When you think he’s sluggish and slow he’ll spin around and cut you in half with his tale. I mean tentacle. Appendage? Whatever it was. When you think you’re on to his master plan, you find out that the dog he kidnapped was for a completely different, more shockingly disgusting purpose.

The rest of the cast is excellent as well. Nathan Fillion (who brought in the majority of the disappointing box office with his Serenity cult) battles the beast driven by his dry wit and misguided love. Not exactly a hero’s hero but it was still entertaining to see him flop through battle. The police exam in Podunk must be as difficult to pass as an 80 year old on the highway. Regardless of skill, real men are driven in battle by faith and beliefs. When you fight with your “feelings� then you’re just asking for a crotch full of pain.

Coming out of the theater I could here among the senseless chatter of Serenity comparisons and Mr. Pibb references, that most folks felt, as a zombie film, Slither was a true heroic tale. Because in the end there are survivors, and the world isn’t completely over run by the undead. The good guys “win�. But is that really for the best?

You liberal pukes might telling me that a mob of unified zombies speaks against individuality and free expression, but were they really better off before the alien invasion? Wasting their lives, wasting away doing nothing but talking about Serenity and Mr. Pibb. Face it people, Wash is dead, the show got canceled, and the drink has always been the poor man’s Dr, Pepper. Move on, get a job, and make a difference.

Rating: 8.5 out of 10

Completely outstanding. The best film of the year. I dropped it a couple of points because the ending didn’t go the way I was hoping, and the lack of government involvement. Do you think we wouldn’t know if an alien craft smashed into the earth? Anywhere. We’re watching. Go ahead. Try and find the cameras. I dare you.

DVD worthy?:

It is DVD worthy. Even though the slug person is not ultimately victorious, his plan and way of life are admirable. We as a people should strive to be one mind, one opinion. Equality is the path to riotousness! For anyone below upper middle class that is.

If you liked this movie check out: Dawn of the dead

The remake of Dawn of the Dead from 2004 was written by the same person that did this remake of Slither. Both are slick Hollywood monster movies that please with simple ideas coupled with extreme violence and gore.

Some people will tell you that both movies speak out against the mob sensibilities our society has developed, or the dangers of a class system and ruling government. But you know what those people are called? Traitors. And if I had my way they’d be hunted like deer. Me and a crossbow out in the woods shish kabobing the unpatriotic waste of this great land. Did anyone else just get goose bumps?

Despite what anyone says, Dawn and Slither are nothing but good old fashion monster movies. Sit back and watch the good guys kick ass.

Trailer hitch: You, Me, and Dupree

The Trailer for You, Me, and Dupree is entertaining enough featuring Owen Wilson as a best man who stays as the newlywed’s houseguest a little past his welcome. This movie is obviously capitalizing on one of last years biggest hits The Wedding Crashers using the same sort of humor, the same stars, even the same type face for the movies titles.

As empty headed as the movie looks it will undoubtedly be a monster success putting Kate Hudson back on the map after having her hippie children with her stoner rock and roll star husband. Why will it be a success? Because the American public doesn’t know any better. This last weekend Scary movie 4 made over 40 million dollars setting an Easter weekend record. Doing so well that Mirimax has already begun work on Scary Movie 5 for this time next year.

So line up sheep and throw your money away as the better movies like Slither and Slevin slide through the cracks.

Vote Incentive:

Today’s vote incentive is an image of Joe getting attacked in the eye by one of the slugs from Slither. Hysterical. This images calls back to the daily voting event from February and March where Joe was constantly losing eyes. Perhaps this will continue. Perhaps a new event, although Joe losing an eye is something I would support. Please be sure to show your support at the Buzzcomix and Top Web Comics 100 lists. Non movie related stuff:

Well somebody’s back. Here’s a direct link to his review on the boards. Don’t get your hopes up though. I’m fixing to kick me some cartoonist ass. To get a sneak preview at the non stop action in tomorrows comic go to Clickwheel and download part two of George vs. Joe: The show down in movie town!