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  • Hollywood Inbreeding
    or
    The Collective mind of Hollywood

    Let me tell you a little about our company.
    Gale produced quite a few monster successes.
    'Terminator' 'Tremors' and we have
    'Armageddon' coming out this summer.
    We think its going to be big.

    So I hear.

    What do you hear?

    What?

    You said, 'You hear?'
    What do you hear?

    I heard its a big movie.
    Bruce Willis.
    Big meteor.

    Did you hear anything about 'Deep Impact?'

    ...
    I heard its another meteor movie.

    Did you hear that it was good?
    Because we heard it isn't good?

    I don't know I didn't see it.

    BUT WHAT DID YOU HEAR?

    ...

    Now you've probably read the title to this piece and thought I was going to comment on the actions that brought us such "stars" as Tom Green and/or David Arquette but that's a topic for another column. I'm talking about what seems to be the collective consciousness that is Hollywood.

    You see, if you look into movie history, a disturbing trend presents itself. Only one idea can permeate the Hollywood consciousness at a time.

    Let's look at the facts:
    Probably the most well known piece of evidence of the Hollywood Consciousness comes in the summer of 1998, the Summer of Heavenly Bodies. (Not heavenly bodies like Jennifer Lopez or Cameron Diaz...) I'm talking about Armageddon and Deep Impact. Sure one was a asteroid and another was an comet, but can the general public really tell the difference? (And yes, there is a difference) What are the chances that two movies with the same theme are released at the same time? Coincidence? Let's look at some more instances...

    A Bug's Life and Antz. Both movies about bugs. Both done with CGI animation. Do I have to spell it out for you? (Although I would rather see Dave Foley than Woody Allen any day of the week.)

    I guess I should bring up the 1998 Academy Awards. Elizabeth and Shakespeare in Love. Two British period pieces. Saving Private Ryan and The Thin Red Line. Two World War II period pieces. Not only does Hollywood recognize its own inability to come up with new ideas, it rewards them. The only best picture nominee that doesn't directly relate to either category is Life Is Beautiful. But, of course, its a foriegn film. (As a side note Life Is Beautiful does take place during World War II so it is peripherally involved with the inbreeding)

    Finally I'd like to close with the most recent instance of Hollywood Inbreeding, Driven (what's with the taglines? Welcome to the human race? and What drives you? So... gay.)and The Fast and the Furious (No gay taglines here). Sure, there might be huge differences in these two movies... but to the general public all they see is two movies that are coming out at the same time, both about cars and racing.

    Most people will see only one of these movies and disregard the other as a cheap imitation. Most people will see either movie because of the "stars." So which do you pick? Sylvester Stallone or Vin Diesel? When was the last time Sylvester Stallone made a good movie? When was the last time you saw a Vin Diesel movie?

    Of course, some of us will see both movies. Perhaps even on the same day, leading to such hillarious scenes like this:

      "Hey remember when Stallone raced against Vin Diesel in the Fast and the Driven?"
      "Yeah that was cool! How about that catfight between Gina Gershon and that chick from the Faculty? And I thought the movie was called Driving the Fast and the Furious?"
    Ah, good times...


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