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Discuss this week's Joe Loves Crappy Movies here!

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Love crappy movies but are too ashamed to admit it? Are you a big Rob Schneider fan but you're tired of being burned? Not sure if you want to waste your money on the same old movie? That's why you have Joe.

Joe Loves Crappy Movies is by Joseph Dunn. Joe willingly goes to see the very worst that Hollywood has to offer. Whenever a crappy movie comes out Joe will be there to see it, make fun of it, and actually review it. Nothing is safe, and nothing is sacred. From the big budget action disasters to the low brow fart based comedies, to anything starring Martin Lawrence? Joe will tear it apart.

With each entry you'll get not only a comic poking fun at the movie, but also a detailed review. Joe's not educated in film or cinematography or acting, he's just a guy that draws comics and likes movies. So if you're looking for the everyman perspective and a little joke in comic form... you're in the right place.

Get Rich or Die Tryin'

Released: 11/9/05

Viewed: 2:20pm 11/9/05

Starring: 50 Cent, Terrance Howard, Joy Bryant, Adewale Akinnuoye-Agbaje Marc John Jeffries

Directed by: Jim Sheridan

I'm going to say this and get it out of the way. It's always awkward when a musician tries to act. Even weirder when them come out THIS big, swinging for the fences in an all or nothing shot. Seriously, if this movie tanks you'll never see Curtis "50 cent" Jackson on the big screen again. Tons have made it. Queen Latifah and the Fresh Prince have even been nominated for Oscars. But they started out small in ensemble movies and sitcom-land. Man, even Mos Def suffered through The Italian Job. You have to respect paying your dues.

The difference is that 50 Cent is a household name, and he'll be able to sell tickets based on that. The fact that the plot of Get Rich or Die Tryin' is loosely based on his life doesn't hurt either. The people want to know how it all happens, and we don't want to wait for behind the music!

So going in, there's certain trepidation that it will just be some lame hero story about how badass he is and how rapping saved his life. Instead it's the best crime story of its kind in years. Now, calm down. It's not the best crime movie ever. Not even the best crime movie of the year (Sin City rules all, fool), but as a representation of the inner city quote unquote thug gangster life, there's not a lot out there. New Jack City maybe, which is good, but I think Get Rich is better.

If this aspect of the crime genre needed a proper voice, they've found it. And a rapper brought it to us. (shudder)

The story is what drives the movie. Marcus (50 cent) is part of a large family. His mother is a good person but ends up with a bad lifestyle that Marcus follows into. Drugs lead to getting shot, which leads to spoilers, so I won't go on. But suffice it to say it's a complete story with numerous layers that never gets too complicated to follow, and never slows down enough to make those 2 hours boring. It's filled with loyalty, love, daddy issues, Rick James references? something for everybody!

Those simple themes actually reminded me of the classic crime movies of cinema like The Godfather and Goodfellas. It's not nearly as good, but it had the same feeling. Like this big huge story with backstabbing, treachery, and a big cast of "friends" just begging to get killed off. I was surprised to be reminded of the classics, but it was there. What was missing was the outstanding acting, and the true suspense. When people died in The Godfather, it was nuts. Unbelievable. When they died in Get Rich, you sort of expected it. And the big questions the movie presents aren't too hard to figure out.

Just don't expect many surprises, and if you really want to, just show up late, or go to the bathroom halfway through.

Music was my biggest fear. I'm telling you, I expected this movie to just be an ad for 50's new album and, even though it is, they make it work. The movie opens with a 50 cent song which sounded good but was kind of a turn off. We know who he is, we know what he does, do we really need that to usher us into the movie. Technically it works because the movie is told via flashback, and at this point in the time line the character had already recorded some music. As the movie progresses the 50 cent tracks are fewer and fewer before the inevitable blitz of tunes in the 3rd act when the music is part of the story.

That's what saved the movie from my low expectations, that it wasn't a story about a rapper's life; it was a story about a man that just happens to be a rapper. It's what he does, but it's not the only thing he is.

I feel like they dropped the ball on the soundtrack though. The movie flashes back through his life, which was a golden opportunity to give nods to his influences by putting their tracks in the movie. They would act as musical footnotes ushering us through time. There is a couple, a good KRSone nod, but if that was the plan, they got tired or forgot about it quick. Or I'm so hip-hop challenged that I just didn't recognize any of them. I'll say this for 50 cent's acting: he's got really nice teeth. Ok, his acting's not that bad, but in a few scenes it feels a little wooden and forced. I wasn't blown away by any means, but he certainly does a good job of carrying the movie. At no time though, did I get chills from his acting. I'm sure he'll win some sort of MTV movie award or something.

Wisely the casting directors filled the rest of the movie with quality actors that steal the show. Most impressively Adewale Akinnuoye-Agbaje as Marcus' mentor Majestic. I hadn't seen him in anything except a couple episodes of LOST this season, but he was great. Menacing and dangerous, but still charismatic and cool without being a typical gangsta pimp stereotype. Ok, he does get like a gold cougar pimp cane, but it's totally awesome.

Also props to Marc John Jeffries who plays young Marcus and does a solid job. At first I was surprised that this was the best kid they could find to play a young 50. I mean, he was the dorky son from The Tracey Morgan Show. But even though he's quiet and reserved it turns out to be a great match. Especially when they flash forward to a grown Marcus, you really start to see the similarities, as well as the development of the character. It was a smooth transition between innocent kid, and hardcore gangster that worked really well.

I want to mention Terrance Manning as well who doesn't really have a lot of screen time, but I just think the man is brilliant. I could listen to him all day long. I've given a lot of credit to this movie. A lot of people are going to disagree with my take on it, I'll get e-mails telling me it's too slow or the action was tame. But movies need to be told, pay attention and the time will fly, and the fact that the action is tame is realistic. If 50 were jumping slow motion across the screen bullets flying out of two Uzis, as he flicks a grenade into a second story window ? it would be the same movie. It would just be some after thought lame action movie. This is something completely different.

If you look at this as a crime movie it's tremendously well done. If you look at it as a 50 cent movie, you're just going to be disappointed that there aren't enough of his songs in it.

7.5 out of 10 for a nice little surprise. The acting is a little stiff, but it moves along really well, and was a nice waste of 2 hours. I feel like, even before actually seeing it, the movie is going to do really well. There's not much like it right now, and it has a big appeal. It has a target audience, but I feel like it's the sort of thing a wider audience could really enjoy. Loses one point because you see wiener in one of the prison scenes. That always takes me right out of the movie and because of that it will always cost the movie a point. .

DVD worthy?: It was good, but not the sort of movie I would enjoy watching over and over again. Might be worth a rental though for all the extras it's begging to have. But if this movie is received by crime fans the way I think it will be, it'll fit in just fine on all those shelves between Scarface and Casino.

If you liked this movie check out: The Godfather

Like I said, Get Rich had that same classic feel of good storytelling, crime, and violence. The Godfather has the same universal appeal, and it does the important things better like acting and suspense. There's a reason it won the Oscars. If you haven't seen the Godfather then you just have to, especially if you enjoyed this movie. Just? go? now?

Trailer Hitch: Underworld: Evolution

I've seen the trailer for the sequel to Underworld about 4 times now and there's something obvious that's missing from it. A real moment. Think about the trailer for Underworld. There were a dozen cool moments that made you think, "I've got to see this movie." Remember the werewolf transformation, or Kate Beckinsale blasting a circular hole to fall through the floor, or that slow motion jump. TONS of great imagery to please all the goth/fanboy/action nerds.

The trailer for Evolution lacks that moment. The closest thing that qualifies is that someone slowly unzips Kate's cat suit. Worth price of admittance right there, but I would still love some good action. Looks like this one is more story driven which is fine. But let's hope there's more for the eyes than a beautiful Beckinsale.

In today's comic is featured a very special item, the Boxcar Calendar! It is for 2006 even though I have it functional in 2005, and it boasts images from all of your favorite Boxcar strips. Here are some examples. And for the price, it's a total deal. What's even better is that the fat cash goes to make sure the Boxcar crew can attend conventions where you can come meet us, and give us high fives. Seriously, a lot of people ask me how I do so many comics. It's all about time management, and I would be lost with out my official Boxcar Calendar.

Vote today to see thugged out Joe. Thanks!

Joe – The creator of the strip who has embraced giving crappy movies the chance they deserve. Like the majority of the cast he’s obsessed with boobs.

First Appearance - The Introduction

Yeo – Yeo is Joe’s wife and often the voice of reason in the strip. Having her act rational allows the rest of the cast to embrace being in a comic strip which primarily involves randomly punching people, interacting with fictional characters and talking about boobs. Yeo is smart, beautiful and way too good for Joe. Don’t tip her off.

First Appearance - Fever Pitch

Irv – Joe’s movie-going sidekick who’s always down for watching Jason Statham crescent moon kick some thug through a plate glass window and getting some drinks before after and during a Vin Diesel movie. Like the majority of the cast he’s obsessed with boobs.

First Appearance - Ong-Bak: The Thai Warrior

Agent 337 George Jones – A government Agent that took over for Joe after he was bad-mouthing President Bush in the V for Vendetta strip. George ran the show for over a month bring a much needed sense of patriotism and justice to both the strips and reviews. He eventually got too attached to his work, empathizing with Joe’s plight to give crappy movies a fair shake. In a way he came to love crappy movies as well and was pushed out of the position. He spiraled out of control and ended up in prison. His adventures will be told in the limited series JLCM Presents: 337 Locked Up which is set to début Christmas of 09.

First Appearance - V for Vendetta

Other Notable Appearances: Stay Alive, Ice age 2, Larry the Cable Guy: Health Inspector, Slither, Here Comes Guest week, Let’s Go To Prison

Leonidas – The former king of Sparta who has traveled into the future and is having trouble coping with the modern times. Yelling loudly and kicking people into giant holes doesn’t really work the same way it did in the olden days. As time as gone by he’s adjusted but it’s a safe bet that he’s always one bad message away from throwing a spear through someone.

First Appearance - 300

Other Notable Appearances: Four Brothers, Strip# 300, The Golden Compass, Rambo, Untraceable, The Ladies of Max Paybe

Palpatine – Former Senator, Emperor of the Galactic Empire, Sith Lord... He shows up in the Joe Loves Crappy movies galaxy on occasion to let people know that they’re being stupid. No one’s really sure how he shows up in this universe but chances are it breaks all kinds of copywrite laws.

First Appearance - Episode III: The Dark Side

Other Notable Appearances: Four Brothers, Night Watch, Saw 3, Are We Done Yet

Slow Billy – Billy is a sweet kid but he’s not the sharpest tool in the shed. If you’re watching him for the day be prepared to explain to him the plot of the movie or how popcorn works or, not so much where babies come from, but what babies are. He’s a complete moron.

First Appearance - Four Brothers

Other Notable Appearances: The Chronicles of Narnia, The Da Vinci Code, Vantage Point, Journey to the Center of the Earth

Kyle the Movie Snob – Be careful what fun facts about movies you tell your friends at a friendly gathering or in line for the latest blockbuster, because if you’re even slightly wrong, Kyle will be more than happy to let you know. He usually gets what’s coming to him though. Poor guy has cracked three ribs since joining the JLCM cast.

First Appearance - Ultraviolet

Other Notable Appearances: 16 Blocks, Pirates of the Caribbean: At World’s End, Transformers, Journey to the Center of the Earth

Jean-Luc Picard – Another lawsuit waiting to happen is Jean Luc Picard who, towards the end of the strip’s first year, became the go-to background character. If there was ever a seat to fill or a random person to place wandering around in the background, nine times out of ten it was Picard. While Picard has crossed paths with Irv he and Joe have never met. Perhaps they will some day but for now just can an eye on the background.

First Appearance - The Producers

Other Notable Appearances: I’m not telling you, that’s no fun. It’ like Where’s Waldo – go find him!

Ice Cream Sandwich – Delicious and… deadly? Usually when you see someone eating an Ice Cream sandwich, someone else is experiencing a substantial amount of pain. Still, how nice is an ice cream sandwich on a hot summer day?

First Appearance - Saw IV

Other Notable Appearances: Bee Movie, Run Fatboy Run, Saw V