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Love crappy movies but are too ashamed to admit it? Are you a big Rob Schneider fan but you're tired of being burned? Not sure if you want to waste your money on the same old movie? That's why you have Joe.

Joe Loves Crappy Movies is by Joseph Dunn. Joe willingly goes to see the very worst that Hollywood has to offer. Whenever a crappy movie comes out Joe will be there to see it, make fun of it, and actually review it. Nothing is safe, and nothing is sacred. From the big budget action disasters to the low brow fart based comedies, to anything starring Martin Lawrence? Joe will tear it apart.

With each entry you'll get not only a comic poking fun at the movie, but also a detailed review. Joe's not educated in film or cinematography or acting, he's just a guy that draws comics and likes movies. So if you're looking for the everyman perspective and a little joke in comic form... you're in the right place.

Into the Blue

Released: 9/30/05

Viewed: 4:45pm 9/30/05

Starring: Paul Walker, Jessica Alba, Scott Caan, Ashley Scott, Josh Brolin

Directed by: John Stockwell

Back in June I saw the trailer for Into the Blue for the first time. Walking out, the two guys I was with both went on about how crappy it looked. Lame story, lame actors, lame idea, etc. Everyone is entitled to his or her opinion, but come on. What do you want? Action adventure, under water treasure hunting, and Jessica Alba in a bikini. On paper it's better then Citizen Kane. Ok, maybe not, but whatever.

A larger point would be that most movies look like crap. Most movies are crap. But every now and then you'll get lucky and find one that surpasses your expectations. It doesn't mean it's better then Citizen Kane, but Jessica Alba's ass ain't hurting nobody. If Joe Loves Crappy Movies does anything in it's brief lifespan, I hope it shows people that there's some good in everything. Don't pass something by just because, on the surface, it's not the Matrix.

That said ? this movie sucked.

Just kidding. (That would have been awesome though.) Truth is that it's not bad at all. It's a well structured story with good pacing, and the perfect amounts of comedy and action. By no means perfect, but it's pretty entertaining for what it is.

The action does start off slow. They give you just enough so that you don't get bored, but the first hour plays more like a drama. It's good, though. They build up a solid story about a conflict of interest and how far you're willing to go to reach your goals. A real conflict is established and exploited. And I could feel that conflict, which isn't always the easiest thing to translate.

I'd love to go into the details of the movie, but the trailer gave away so little that I was actually pleased with where it was taken. Stuff happened I didn't expect. I wouldn't want to ruin that for any of you. But, suffice it to say, there are a few twists and turns that are expected. But so much is going on you find yourself overlooking or forgetting certain things. And when they spring up again, it was a nice surprise.

There are times where I felt like they were relying too heavily on making the movie pretty. A beautiful person swimming in a beautiful place is an interesting thing to watch, but it's not nearly enough to base a movie on. Thankfully it's there, but it's not the center of the film. The scenery is stunning. They get the camera right down there, and it feels (for lack of a lamer word) magical. Whoever was down there filming this has the best job ever. To be surrounded by that all day is worth the pruned fingers.

And the beautiful people hold up their end of things. Alba is beautiful but doesn't get enough credit for what she can really do. Not to say that she's winning any awards for this movie, but over all, she's more then a pretty face. Scott Caan gets a little more room to act, which he does well, but he earns his paycheck as the comic relief. The guy should be in every ensemble movie.

Paul Walker I'll admit I like. He reminds me of Keanu Reeves. Kind of wooden with his acting but still pretty convincing in the hero action star role. As bad as he is, he makes cool movies. Just like Keanu. Rock on, guys. Walker is cool in this movie though. Anyone that can get a hero shot under water and look that cool? well? someone get this guy an Aquaman contract.

Like I said, the action does have a slow start. But once it gets going, it's cool. It's sad, but today in Hollywood, the action has to be over the top or fans won't go for it. Enter the tiger shark. The shark is pretty cool and the effects in that one scene?.WOAH! But that's just the tip of it. Overall the effects are great, but there's a big one at the end that starts off looking cool and turns into a cartoon. It was the wrong note to end the movie on.

6 out of 10 Nice but not super. It can definitely wait to get rented. Especially when there are movies like A History of Violence and Serenity in theaters. Still ? rent it. It's fun and interesting. At least more then you expected it to be. .

DVD worthy?: If it was dirt cheap, maybe. But Ashley Scott weirds me out. So it would have to be super cheap.

If you liked this movie check out: the Indiana Jones Trilogy

No one does treasure hunting like Indiana Jones. Each movie has its charms but, in my opinion, The Last Crusade buries the other two and gets the action, comedy, and character exactly right. As lovely as the Jones' leading ladies are, none come close to Alba's ass wiggling through the water, but don't worry girls. The beefcake that is Harrison Ford in his prime should be an adequate substitute for Paul Walker.

In all sincerity, the Indiana Jones Trilogy are some of the most interesting, entertaining, well made action adventure movies of all time. Movies today may be flashier and more pleasing to the eye, but these movies will always be a benchmark in this genre of film.

Trailer Hitch: Jarhead

I guess it's about the time when we should be seeing a lot of Gulf war movies spring up. It was about 10-15 years after Vietnam when we started to see movies about that era. There's a true healing period I guess. Not that we haven't seen a few. I really liked Three Kings. But more because it was a movie about people who were at war. It wasn't just about war, even though that heavily influenced everything.

So Jarhead seems to be a Platoon-esque sort of movie. A fish out of water gets in a little over his head. I'm assuming of course. It's hard to tell what's really going on based on the trailer. All I know for sure is that Kanye West makes creepy music that makes the trailer somehow more powerful. Even when I have no idea what's going on.

But the cast is there. Jake Gyllenhaal, Chris Cooper, Jamie Foxx, Peter Sarsgaard. These people just make good movies. It's what they do. Director Sam Mendes does the same. It'll be interesting to see him take on a war drama.

So the Secret Tales of Super Hero Virginity. finally came to an end. But I encourage you to keep voting. I'm going to try and keep up daily incentives, and come up with a new theme this week. I'm bouncing around a few ideas but I may just do doodles, and then build up a true theme for November.

Some of you may be waiting for the Serenity review. I hope you are. I did catch it over the weekend, and loved it. You can expect a full review later this week. Possibly two reviews, because I want to talk spoilers. But please, go see Serenity, because it's easily the most entertaining movie out right now. Even for people that haven't seen Fire Fly. I swear, I have testimonials. Until then.

Edited for the web by Brandon J. Carr Thanks, Brandon!

Joe – The creator of the strip who has embraced giving crappy movies the chance they deserve. Like the majority of the cast he’s obsessed with boobs.

First Appearance - The Introduction

Yeo – Yeo is Joe’s wife and often the voice of reason in the strip. Having her act rational allows the rest of the cast to embrace being in a comic strip which primarily involves randomly punching people, interacting with fictional characters and talking about boobs. Yeo is smart, beautiful and way too good for Joe. Don’t tip her off.

First Appearance - Fever Pitch

Irv – Joe’s movie-going sidekick who’s always down for watching Jason Statham crescent moon kick some thug through a plate glass window and getting some drinks before after and during a Vin Diesel movie. Like the majority of the cast he’s obsessed with boobs.

First Appearance - Ong-Bak: The Thai Warrior

Agent 337 George Jones – A government Agent that took over for Joe after he was bad-mouthing President Bush in the V for Vendetta strip. George ran the show for over a month bring a much needed sense of patriotism and justice to both the strips and reviews. He eventually got too attached to his work, empathizing with Joe’s plight to give crappy movies a fair shake. In a way he came to love crappy movies as well and was pushed out of the position. He spiraled out of control and ended up in prison. His adventures will be told in the limited series JLCM Presents: 337 Locked Up which is set to début Christmas of 09.

First Appearance - V for Vendetta

Other Notable Appearances: Stay Alive, Ice age 2, Larry the Cable Guy: Health Inspector, Slither, Here Comes Guest week, Let’s Go To Prison

Leonidas – The former king of Sparta who has traveled into the future and is having trouble coping with the modern times. Yelling loudly and kicking people into giant holes doesn’t really work the same way it did in the olden days. As time as gone by he’s adjusted but it’s a safe bet that he’s always one bad message away from throwing a spear through someone.

First Appearance - 300

Other Notable Appearances: Four Brothers, Strip# 300, The Golden Compass, Rambo, Untraceable, The Ladies of Max Paybe

Palpatine – Former Senator, Emperor of the Galactic Empire, Sith Lord... He shows up in the Joe Loves Crappy movies galaxy on occasion to let people know that they’re being stupid. No one’s really sure how he shows up in this universe but chances are it breaks all kinds of copywrite laws.

First Appearance - Episode III: The Dark Side

Other Notable Appearances: Four Brothers, Night Watch, Saw 3, Are We Done Yet

Slow Billy – Billy is a sweet kid but he’s not the sharpest tool in the shed. If you’re watching him for the day be prepared to explain to him the plot of the movie or how popcorn works or, not so much where babies come from, but what babies are. He’s a complete moron.

First Appearance - Four Brothers

Other Notable Appearances: The Chronicles of Narnia, The Da Vinci Code, Vantage Point, Journey to the Center of the Earth

Kyle the Movie Snob – Be careful what fun facts about movies you tell your friends at a friendly gathering or in line for the latest blockbuster, because if you’re even slightly wrong, Kyle will be more than happy to let you know. He usually gets what’s coming to him though. Poor guy has cracked three ribs since joining the JLCM cast.

First Appearance - Ultraviolet

Other Notable Appearances: 16 Blocks, Pirates of the Caribbean: At World’s End, Transformers, Journey to the Center of the Earth

Jean-Luc Picard – Another lawsuit waiting to happen is Jean Luc Picard who, towards the end of the strip’s first year, became the go-to background character. If there was ever a seat to fill or a random person to place wandering around in the background, nine times out of ten it was Picard. While Picard has crossed paths with Irv he and Joe have never met. Perhaps they will some day but for now just can an eye on the background.

First Appearance - The Producers

Other Notable Appearances: I’m not telling you, that’s no fun. It’ like Where’s Waldo – go find him!

Ice Cream Sandwich – Delicious and… deadly? Usually when you see someone eating an Ice Cream sandwich, someone else is experiencing a substantial amount of pain. Still, how nice is an ice cream sandwich on a hot summer day?

First Appearance - Saw IV

Other Notable Appearances: Bee Movie, Run Fatboy Run, Saw V