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Discuss this week's Joe Loves Crappy Movies here!

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Love crappy movies but are too ashamed to admit it? Are you a big Rob Schneider fan but you're tired of being burned? Not sure if you want to waste your money on the same old movie? That's why you have Joe.

Joe Loves Crappy Movies is by Joseph Dunn. Joe willingly goes to see the very worst that Hollywood has to offer. Whenever a crappy movie comes out Joe will be there to see it, make fun of it, and actually review it. Nothing is safe, and nothing is sacred. From the big budget action disasters to the low brow fart based comedies, to anything starring Martin Lawrence? Joe will tear it apart.

With each entry you'll get not only a comic poking fun at the movie, but also a detailed review. Joe's not educated in film or cinematography or acting, he's just a guy that draws comics and likes movies. So if you're looking for the everyman perspective and a little joke in comic form... you're in the right place.

The A-team

Starring: Liam Neeson, Bradley Cooper, Jessica Biel, Quinton “Rampage” Jackson, Sharlto Copley, Patrick Wilson, Gerald McRaney, Brian Bloom

Directed by: Joe Carnahan

20th Century Fox

The Official Site of The A-Team

Discuss The Losers on the boards!

Director Joe Carnahan’s last major release Smokin’ Aces is not without its flaws but one of its major success comes in how it balances out its cast. There are all manner of hitmen, lawmen and gangsters vying for attention in that movie and it’s able to spotlight them all without feeling stuffed, rushed or hurried. His latest, a big screen adaptation of the hit 80s series The A-team, has just as many players with just as many motivations fighting for screen time. They’ve just upgraded the battle from sniper rifles to tanks.

What’s interesting about the characters in this film, even the villains, is that they’re all government employees. Black Ops, CIA, Army intelligence, Army Rangers all fighting over illegal U.S. currency printing plates, being backstabbed over the plates or set-up for the theft of the plates. We’ve seen it a few times over the past couple years but The A-Team is just the latest film to say something about the absurdity of government in-fighting.

At the bottom of the pile is The A-Team, a group of four Rangers that take the fall for the missing plates and the death of a superior officer, (Minor spoiler: the superior in question is Major Dad’s Gerald McRaney who toughed it out in the military long enough to become “General Dad”!) Now they are on the run, desperate to clear their names and punish those responsible.

What’s interesting about the characters in this film, even the villains, is that they’re all government employees. Black Ops, CIA, Army intelligence, Army Rangers all fighting over the plates, being backstabbed over the plates or set-up for the theft of the plates. We’ve seen it a few times over the past couple years but The A-Team is just the latest film to say something about the absurdity of government in-fighting.

The action is big and approaching absurdity at break neck speeds. The impossible is possible in this world and in doses it works well. This is a movie after all and we need to take “flying a tank” with a grain of salt. For the most part I was on board with Carnahan’s choices including an introduction scene where the camera rests on B.A.’s shoulder, never showing his face as he blasts through half a dozen guys, or a helicopter chase that has an old junker breaking the rules physics as if the Mexican border were actually located in space. I would though go as far as to say the last action sequence is a visual catastrophe with its incomprehensible close combat and master plan trying so hard to be clever that it becomes unclever. The action is serviceable but not legendary. I mean, whenever Scary Movie 7 comes out they’re not going to be parodying B.A.’s big window washing action scene.

For a story that prides itself on its plans, the plans themselves are surprisingly one note. Many of the plans are just variations on, “Let’s all come from different directions and hit them really hard. It’ll be awesome.” I kept thinking about the first Mission Impossible movie where the missions were diverse, intricate and clever. The A-Team sees knocking down a wall as a viable means of a clandestine prison escape.

The sequences themselves end up being long enough that you forget about the physics problems or, potentially more damaging, the fact that these characters are kind of as thin as the screen they’re being projected on.

Looking back at it we know next to nothing about the past of these Rangers on the run. B.A. loves a truck, at one point Face loved Jessica Biel (yeah, get in line), Hannibal loves when plans come together (like BIGTIME. It’s kind of creepy) and Murdock loves being bananas but there’s little else really told about who they are and where they come from.

It works in that what these people do is who they are. It doesn’t matter what their favorite movie is or whether or not their mommy loved them because they are married to the mission. All we need to know about them is in the details of the plan. It helps though that thin characters are cast with big personalities, ones well established in the TV series that sizzle just as well with the new cast. Each of them embrace the chaos, charm, and fool-pitying needed to make the team work and it more than makes up for what are otherwise underdeveloped.

To be fair, by films end we get wonderful arcs introducing us to staple character traits form the show like B.A.’s fear of flying and peaceful nature and Faceman’s willingness to risk the mission for a piece of ass. Most remarkably are the relationships on screen. They’re built better than any other piece of the film.

In the face of mediocrity The A-Team ultimately wins out. Largely because of what those big personalities bring to the table and the solid blend of action and humor throughout. There are many laughs to be had in this big crowd pleaser. We could analyze the issues and pick it apart all day but The A-Team delivers big where it counts and when it counts – a big laugh from genuine people will make you forget all manner if ridiculousness.

I think that The A-Team sadly continues the trend of mediocre movies this season but that it is largely entertaining. I just can’t see it as a classic. Will we really be looking back at this the same way that we look back at something like Lethal Weapon or Die Hard? Perhaps it’s an unfair comparison but if you’re not trying to make an instant classic than why bother?

While I had more bad than good to say about this movie I could see myself really enjoying it in repeat viewings. Great characters are like the spoon full of sugar making the so-so action go down. Is a Mary Poppins analogy to girly a reference to make when discussing a movie about dude blowing each other up?

I really had no problem with the ridiculousness of the action in The A-Team. The Tank scene for instance totally makes sense to me. If I had the wherewithal and balls I’d do the exact same thing and I appreciate a movie that is willing to push the boundaries in an industry where we have theoretically seen it all before.

The exchange in the comic sums up a piece of what I’d hoped to accomplish with Joe Loves Crappy Movies originally. Maybe not so much bullying people into liking bad movies but encouraging them to have an open mind. For the record, the guy in the comic Phil (who writes the other comics I work on Another Video Game Webcomic and Matriculated) enjoyed The A-Team more than this depiction may have you believe.

Thanks for stopping by. For more on my thoughts on the movies of the year so far like Iron Man 2, Robin Hood, and Sex in the City 2 – Desert Crotch be sure to listen to The Crappy Movies Podcast which has been updating much more frequently than this comic. John and I will be doing a show tonight talking about Shrek 4 which I finally got around to today. It was Shrek-tastic

Joe Dunn's Facebook profile

Joe – The creator of the strip who has embraced giving crappy movies the chance they deserve. Like the majority of the cast he’s obsessed with boobs.

First Appearance - The Introduction

Yeo – Yeo is Joe’s wife and often the voice of reason in the strip. Having her act rational allows the rest of the cast to embrace being in a comic strip which primarily involves randomly punching people, interacting with fictional characters and talking about boobs. Yeo is smart, beautiful and way too good for Joe. Don’t tip her off.

First Appearance - Fever Pitch

Irv – Joe’s movie-going sidekick who’s always down for watching Jason Statham crescent moon kick some thug through a plate glass window and getting some drinks before after and during a Vin Diesel movie. Like the majority of the cast he’s obsessed with boobs.

First Appearance - Ong-Bak: The Thai Warrior

Agent 337 George Jones – A government Agent that took over for Joe after he was bad-mouthing President Bush in the V for Vendetta strip. George ran the show for over a month bring a much needed sense of patriotism and justice to both the strips and reviews. He eventually got too attached to his work, empathizing with Joe’s plight to give crappy movies a fair shake. In a way he came to love crappy movies as well and was pushed out of the position. He spiraled out of control and ended up in prison. His adventures will be told in the limited series JLCM Presents: 337 Locked Up which is set to début Christmas of 09.

First Appearance - V for Vendetta

Other Notable Appearances: Stay Alive, Ice age 2, Larry the Cable Guy: Health Inspector, Slither, Here Comes Guest week, Let’s Go To Prison

Leonidas – The former king of Sparta who has traveled into the future and is having trouble coping with the modern times. Yelling loudly and kicking people into giant holes doesn’t really work the same way it did in the olden days. As time as gone by he’s adjusted but it’s a safe bet that he’s always one bad message away from throwing a spear through someone.

First Appearance - 300

Other Notable Appearances: Four Brothers, Strip# 300, The Golden Compass, Rambo, Untraceable, The Ladies of Max Paybe

Palpatine – Former Senator, Emperor of the Galactic Empire, Sith Lord... He shows up in the Joe Loves Crappy movies galaxy on occasion to let people know that they’re being stupid. No one’s really sure how he shows up in this universe but chances are it breaks all kinds of copywrite laws.

First Appearance - Episode III: The Dark Side

Other Notable Appearances: Four Brothers, Night Watch, Saw 3, Are We Done Yet

Slow Billy – Billy is a sweet kid but he’s not the sharpest tool in the shed. If you’re watching him for the day be prepared to explain to him the plot of the movie or how popcorn works or, not so much where babies come from, but what babies are. He’s a complete moron.

First Appearance - Four Brothers

Other Notable Appearances: The Chronicles of Narnia, The Da Vinci Code, Vantage Point, Journey to the Center of the Earth

Kyle the Movie Snob – Be careful what fun facts about movies you tell your friends at a friendly gathering or in line for the latest blockbuster, because if you’re even slightly wrong, Kyle will be more than happy to let you know. He usually gets what’s coming to him though. Poor guy has cracked three ribs since joining the JLCM cast.

First Appearance - Ultraviolet

Other Notable Appearances: 16 Blocks, Pirates of the Caribbean: At World’s End, Transformers, Journey to the Center of the Earth

Jean-Luc Picard – Another lawsuit waiting to happen is Jean Luc Picard who, towards the end of the strip’s first year, became the go-to background character. If there was ever a seat to fill or a random person to place wandering around in the background, nine times out of ten it was Picard. While Picard has crossed paths with Irv he and Joe have never met. Perhaps they will some day but for now just can an eye on the background.

First Appearance - The Producers

Other Notable Appearances: I’m not telling you, that’s no fun. It’ like Where’s Waldo – go find him!

Ice Cream Sandwich – Delicious and… deadly? Usually when you see someone eating an Ice Cream sandwich, someone else is experiencing a substantial amount of pain. Still, how nice is an ice cream sandwich on a hot summer day?

First Appearance - Saw IV

Other Notable Appearances: Bee Movie, Run Fatboy Run, Saw V