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Discuss this week's Joe Loves Crappy Movies here!

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Love crappy movies but are too ashamed to admit it? Are you a big Rob Schneider fan but you're tired of being burned? Not sure if you want to waste your money on the same old movie? That's why you have Joe.

Joe Loves Crappy Movies is by Joseph Dunn. Joe willingly goes to see the very worst that Hollywood has to offer. Whenever a crappy movie comes out Joe will be there to see it, make fun of it, and actually review it. Nothing is safe, and nothing is sacred. From the big budget action disasters to the low brow fart based comedies, to anything starring Martin Lawrence? Joe will tear it apart.

With each entry you'll get not only a comic poking fun at the movie, but also a detailed review. Joe's not educated in film or cinematography or acting, he's just a guy that draws comics and likes movies. So if you're looking for the everyman perspective and a little joke in comic form... you're in the right place.

Bangkok Dangerous

Starring: Nicolas Cage, Shahkrit Yamnarm, Charlie Yeung, Panward Hemmanee

Directed by: The Pang Brothers

Lions Gate Entertainment

The Official Site of Bangkok Dangerous

Discuss Bangkok Dangerous on the boards!

I'm going to say off the bat that I'm a big Nicolas Cage fan. I love that he's made a balanced career of actor's dream roles and action-packed guy movies, all while staying relevant and interesting. I look at his career sometimes though and think, "Well, the guy is just playing the percentages. He does like three movies a year, one of them is bound to connect with audiences. But what of the leftovers?"

Those leftover projects that don't connect with anyone set a standard for Cage. With the good come the bad and we should expect that, anticipate it, prepare ourselves for the "in-between" Nicolas Cage projects. To be honest, I'm surprised he's escaped Direct-to-DVD status as long as he has. If his latest, Bangkok Dangerous, a Americanized remake about a Western assassin in an Eastern world, showed up on a shelf at Best Buy instead of movie theatres across America, I wouldn't have been surprised at all. Just from the trailers it reeked like an in between project, and I set my bar of expectation accordingly. (Here comes the big "but…")

However… (Ooo, it's a fancy "but" too) Bangkok Dangerous surprised me with a lot of style. It's a movie that moves well, is told with sophistication and will absolutely win you over with its atmosphere. That may be an odd quality to be "winning", but its short comings disappear behind remarkable camera work, composition, transition and lighting. While the film takes few risks with audiences expectations of the kind of storytelling and action one would normally associate with a movie like Bangkok Dangerous, they more than make up for it with a level of style you wouldn't normally associate with "just another Nic Cage action movie." The twin brother's behind the camera are the real deal. Watch out Hollywood.

Bangkok Dangerous is a How-To guide on becoming a killer for pay. Cage plays Joe (great name, but that's not important because he's) a solemn hitman who lives a life of solitude and dedication. The movie finds Joe taking on one last series of jobs to collect a big payday and get out of the line of work while the getting is good. Along the way he recites rules to us and narrates the dos and don'ts of his lifestyle. Do what your told, don't ask questions, don't get attached, know when to get out. Basically a series of self fulfilling profiles that you know will come back and bite him in the ass eventually. It would be a pretty lame movie though if they didn't.

In mistake number one Joe ends up befriending a local named Kong who Joe hired as an errand boy during his time in Bangkok. Kong learns too much about why Joe is really there but he shows interest so Joe takes him on as a student. This lends well towards the "How To" guide and more importantly has you questioning Joe's state of mind and Kong's true intentions. Is he really expendable street scum or an undercover cop digging up dirt on a the new himtan in town? The movie will have you asking the right questions but all the answers aren't as predictable as the movie's set-up.

Kong is played by a man named Shahkrit Yamnarm who is fantastic. A Thai hero just waiting to happen. Get this kid to Hollywood and make him a star.

For the most part, Dangerous moves along pretty well but is not without its distractions. For instance, did we really need the unexpected romance with the deaf Taiwanese clerk? Nothing says, "awkward first date" like a double language barrier and a 15 year age different. The romance was sudden but really rounds out the character well despite slowing things down here and there. It works in the grander scheme of things but distracts you from the real reason you bought the movie ticket to begin with, to watch Nic Cage shoot some random dudes!

The action is a little plain but it looks great. What really got to me though is that Joe is kind of a piss poor Hitman. In every encounter he's forced to improvise and ends up changing his plans in order to take out his target. It's a worthy skill to have, to be able to spin on your heel and complete such a dangerous task in an unexpected way, but it kind of goes against what a contract killer is all about. A hitman should be precise. They should get in, do the job and get out, having planned for every variable and error. It would make for a much less interesting movie but why should we respect a man that can't do his job properly. (I say that half jokingly.)

My one complaint of the hits is that they could have used a little more planning in the writing stage. They're eerie and sort of morbidly romantic if that makes any sense, but they're not complicated. To impress the savvy audiences these days you have to show them something they've never seen before, and the majority of the action in Bangkok Dangerous is point and click (or "point and shoot" in this case.) It's certainly forgivable, but Dangerous is already flirting with greatness, a hit that we don't see coming could have sealed the deal.

(In this thread on the boards I discuss some of the movies spoilers including a couple of excessively gory action moments. Did they take things to far? Did it not fit with the rest of the film? If you've seen the movie I'd love to hear your thoughts, but the rest of you should tread softly. There are MAJOR spoilers in that thread.)

In the case of Bangkok Dangerous style wins over substance. I'll forgive the solid but basic story for the world it's set in. A lot of reviews have mentioned the gritty blue tones that blanket the film, but if you can see beyond that there's a gorgeous film to be found. At the end of the day it is just another Nicolas Cage action movie. The real surprise was that it's one of the good ones.

Rating: 7 out of 10 - A nice surprise. This is a movie that looked to be nothing spectacular, but ended up impressing me in a very unexpected way.

I'll more than likely pick up Bangkok on DVD but to be honest it's the original version (also directed by the Pang Brothers) that I'm interested in checking out to see how it measures up. It used to be that remaking imported scripts from Asia was frowned upon. Specifically the Asian horror craze kicked off by the Americanization of The Ring and The Grudge, but after The Departed showed us that that corner of the world had a couple wicked crime thrillers up its sleeve, I say keep 'em coming. At the very least we've been introduced to a new batch of talent. The Pang Brothers should do well over here, and if I have to buy a DVD to help them get their next gig - so be it.

Okay, over the months since I first saw the trailer for this movie the title Bangkok Dangerous has had some time to grow on me, but on first impression - come on, admit it - It’s kind of silly. It’s like naming a movie New York Fantastic or Topeka Windy! As I said though I’ve gotten used to it as a title and when it came time to see the movie tonight, what they decided to call it was the last thing on my mind. I wish I could say the same thing for Nic Cage’s hair.

I’m not a big fan of “the hair discussion”, though it seems to be a more and more valid one as time goes on. If you really take a look back though, the guy has made a career on bad hair from Razing Arizona to Moonstruck to Peggy Sue got Married to Con Air where he actually made a dirty mullet look kind of cool. Over the last couple of years his hair has taken on an unnatural quality. It’s obviously not fake, but something just isn’t right. Yeo and I have narrowed it down to this - he shaves his sideburns past the natural level. That combined with his recent tendency to dye it all one color makes it look like one solid piece wrapped around his head and tucked behind the ears.

I can understand adapting certain looks for certain roles and I’m certainly not one to talk when it comes to bad hair in public, but I’m not exactly in the public eye either. I don’t ask people to pay to look at me for an hour and a half. It’s distracting. We shouldn’t have to spend 15 minutes getting used to the look while the movie takes off without us.

I’m a fan so I’ll pretty much go to any Cage movie no matter what his head looks like. Half an inch of sideburn would go a long way though. That’s all I’m saying.

This image of Cage’s hair being replaced by a bird is really well done and definitely got a laugh out of me when I first saw it a couple months back. I decided to do my own version of it for today’s vote incentive. Different animal, and it’s a quick sketch instead of a Photoshop project, but I hope it can still give you a chuckle.

Just a quick note. In yesterday's comic I drew a picture of myself as a thanksgiving hand turkey and encouraged others to do the same. Well a thread has been created with a hand octopus as the first post. If you're feeling creative don't be shy, lets see some hand-art!

That’s all for now, have a great weekend gang.

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Joe – The creator of the strip who has embraced giving crappy movies the chance they deserve. Like the majority of the cast he’s obsessed with boobs.

First Appearance - The Introduction

Yeo – Yeo is Joe’s wife and often the voice of reason in the strip. Having her act rational allows the rest of the cast to embrace being in a comic strip which primarily involves randomly punching people, interacting with fictional characters and talking about boobs. Yeo is smart, beautiful and way too good for Joe. Don’t tip her off.

First Appearance - Fever Pitch

Irv – Joe’s movie-going sidekick who’s always down for watching Jason Statham crescent moon kick some thug through a plate glass window and getting some drinks before after and during a Vin Diesel movie. Like the majority of the cast he’s obsessed with boobs.

First Appearance - Ong-Bak: The Thai Warrior

Agent 337 George Jones – A government Agent that took over for Joe after he was bad-mouthing President Bush in the V for Vendetta strip. George ran the show for over a month bring a much needed sense of patriotism and justice to both the strips and reviews. He eventually got too attached to his work, empathizing with Joe’s plight to give crappy movies a fair shake. In a way he came to love crappy movies as well and was pushed out of the position. He spiraled out of control and ended up in prison. His adventures will be told in the limited series JLCM Presents: 337 Locked Up which is set to début Christmas of 09.

First Appearance - V for Vendetta

Other Notable Appearances: Stay Alive, Ice age 2, Larry the Cable Guy: Health Inspector, Slither, Here Comes Guest week, Let’s Go To Prison

Leonidas – The former king of Sparta who has traveled into the future and is having trouble coping with the modern times. Yelling loudly and kicking people into giant holes doesn’t really work the same way it did in the olden days. As time as gone by he’s adjusted but it’s a safe bet that he’s always one bad message away from throwing a spear through someone.

First Appearance - 300

Other Notable Appearances: Four Brothers, Strip# 300, The Golden Compass, Rambo, Untraceable, The Ladies of Max Paybe

Palpatine – Former Senator, Emperor of the Galactic Empire, Sith Lord... He shows up in the Joe Loves Crappy movies galaxy on occasion to let people know that they’re being stupid. No one’s really sure how he shows up in this universe but chances are it breaks all kinds of copywrite laws.

First Appearance - Episode III: The Dark Side

Other Notable Appearances: Four Brothers, Night Watch, Saw 3, Are We Done Yet

Slow Billy – Billy is a sweet kid but he’s not the sharpest tool in the shed. If you’re watching him for the day be prepared to explain to him the plot of the movie or how popcorn works or, not so much where babies come from, but what babies are. He’s a complete moron.

First Appearance - Four Brothers

Other Notable Appearances: The Chronicles of Narnia, The Da Vinci Code, Vantage Point, Journey to the Center of the Earth

Kyle the Movie Snob – Be careful what fun facts about movies you tell your friends at a friendly gathering or in line for the latest blockbuster, because if you’re even slightly wrong, Kyle will be more than happy to let you know. He usually gets what’s coming to him though. Poor guy has cracked three ribs since joining the JLCM cast.

First Appearance - Ultraviolet

Other Notable Appearances: 16 Blocks, Pirates of the Caribbean: At World’s End, Transformers, Journey to the Center of the Earth

Jean-Luc Picard – Another lawsuit waiting to happen is Jean Luc Picard who, towards the end of the strip’s first year, became the go-to background character. If there was ever a seat to fill or a random person to place wandering around in the background, nine times out of ten it was Picard. While Picard has crossed paths with Irv he and Joe have never met. Perhaps they will some day but for now just can an eye on the background.

First Appearance - The Producers

Other Notable Appearances: I’m not telling you, that’s no fun. It’ like Where’s Waldo – go find him!

Ice Cream Sandwich – Delicious and… deadly? Usually when you see someone eating an Ice Cream sandwich, someone else is experiencing a substantial amount of pain. Still, how nice is an ice cream sandwich on a hot summer day?

First Appearance - Saw IV

Other Notable Appearances: Bee Movie, Run Fatboy Run, Saw V