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Love crappy movies but are too ashamed to admit it? Are you a big Rob Schneider fan but you're tired of being burned? Not sure if you want to waste your money on the same old movie? That's why you have Joe.

Joe Loves Crappy Movies is by Joseph Dunn. Joe willingly goes to see the very worst that Hollywood has to offer. Whenever a crappy movie comes out Joe will be there to see it, make fun of it, and actually review it. Nothing is safe, and nothing is sacred. From the big budget action disasters to the low brow fart based comedies, to anything starring Martin Lawrence? Joe will tear it apart.

With each entry you'll get not only a comic poking fun at the movie, but also a detailed review. Joe's not educated in film or cinematography or acting, he's just a guy that draws comics and likes movies. So if you're looking for the everyman perspective and a little joke in comic form... you're in the right place.

Rocky Balboa

Released: 12/20/06

Viewed: 2:20 pm 12/20/06

Starring: Sylvester Stallone, Burt Young, Antonio Tarver, Geraldine Hughes, Milo Ventimiglia

Directed by: Sylvester Stallone

MGM - Official Site of the Movie

He’s old. We get it. Can we move on? I knew going in that at least a little part of Rocky Balboa would focus on how old he is. After all, Rocky is a character that first appeared on screen 30 years ago and is now being played by a 60-year-old man. Granted, writer/director/star Sylvester Stallone is in incredible shape for a man that normally would have settled into a nice comfortable career of playing the tired, old, two-days-from-retirement partner to the new stud on the force. After all, every generation needs a Danny Glover. But Stallone kept working out and playing the lead until no one cared anymore, and he had to go back to the well.

But I don’t mind Stallone going back to the character that made his career. I like Rocky. The story of the ultimate underdog is something everyone old and young, boxing fans and non-boxing fans can all get inspired by. And these films are so much more about achieving the impossible then punching people in the face. In Rocky Balboa that unmoveable obstacle happens to be his age. That’s fine, but it’s emphasised so much that I’m surprised the movie didn’t end with a bunch of senior citizens skydiving. Just around the time the 5th supporting character tells Rocky he’s too old to fight I swore I could feel myself getting older, and I was more than ready for them to drop it and make with the punchy punchy.

The punchy punchy was actually something I was banking on being great. I had a lot of faith in the storytelling ability of Stallone and the acting of the cast to make the dramatic parts of this film work, and they did. Rocky Balboa is a fantastic story about a lost man looking to fill a void in his life. But the early tease of the state-of-the-art filmmaking used during the boxing sequences didn’t quite meet the anticipation I had for the big hit.

The movie is book ended by two fights. The first, which opens the film, features Mason “The Line” Dixon (Antonio Tarver) pounding on an inferior opponent. This fight introduces this new heavyweight champ as well as the important plot point that he’s in a league of his own. There’s no competition. I guess it does that… He beats the guy stupid but he doesn’t destroy him. This fight should have been a blood bath. Quick cuts, slow motion, face distorting, sweat dripping, cut-my-eye-Mick destruction. They had a real opportunity to start the film off aggressively and they just dropped the ball. If they had done it this way, then the dialled back drama of Rocky’s washed-up life would have this constant hovering fear of the danger to come. I never felt that fear. I never felt that danger. I knew there would be a fight, and I knew it would be a tough one for both of them, but if Dixon had showed us what he was really capable of, it would have given the crowd something to worry about. At the same time, this is a Rocky movie so you never know how it’s going to end up. Who expected him to loose in the first movie? The absolute right way to go, but completely shocking.

Still, there was no real anxiety or anticipation for what awaited Rocky in the final battle. But as soon as the rocky them pumps up and the training sequence begins… forget it, I don’t care who you are… that’s pure movie magic right there.

The fight is all about the first two rounds. Decent camera work and an exciting back and forth between the two fighters. It wasn’t quite the slugfest I was hoping for but it was early in the fight and half the fun is what’s still to come. During the second round a man in my row, about 4 seats down distracted me. He was leaning forward and smacking his fist in his hand. I was into the movie but this guy was gritting his teeth and wringing his hands like he had money on this fight. Like his cheering could actually affect the outcome of this fictional encounter.

As the second round came to a close I turned around and saw this same reaction on nearly every person in the crowd. They were all unified in their love and hope for this character. It was the most bizarre bonding experience I’ve ever had in a movie theatre, but it was a wonderful moment.

The rest of the fight never meets that emotional level in my eye. It’s eventual conclusion, which early speculation hinted at everything from Rocky winning, to Rocky losing, to Rocky dying, wasn’t something I wouldn’t have guessed, unless I put some actual thought into it. I won’t confirm or deny what goes down but this is the way the franchise should end. There’s something poetic about how things come full circle. If you think about it logically you’ll figure it out. The good news is that the ticket cost is worth it to confirm what you already suspect. It’s a sweet and strong ending to a character that has been loved for years.

The acting is strong from everyone including newcomer Antonio Tarver who’s stature next to Balboa made him look like a black Sagat. I liked the father son dynamic between Stallone and Milo Ventimiglia who replaces Stallone’s real life son as Rocky Jr. It was believable but a little underdone. For my money I would have liked to see that developed a little further rather than the borderline creepy and desperate budding relationship between Rocky and Marie ( Geraldine Hughes). Part of this movie was about Rocky learning to move on and get over the death of Adrian. It seemed unnecessary to transfer her whining unsupportive undertones of Rocky’s boxing with a timid, submissive blessing from a new younger frame. I think the inclusion of a love interest for Rocky is important in having the character move on, but it almost felt too prominent here. It should have been secondary. This relationship should be nothing more than a potential distraction to fill his void. It took front and center too often for my taste and felt awkward nearly the entire time because of the age difference and past connection. (Marie was the little girl that Rocky walked home in the first film.)

But it worked. It’s real and it’s well done, it’s just not perfect. Few things are. And while what I would have preferred out of the movie, from less awkward old-people-flirting to more paternal bonding and harder hits in the ring, Rocky Balboa stands as an extraordinary finale to a classic series. It may not meet your expectations but it could be worse. It could be Rocky V.

Rating: 8 out of 10 - A satisfying end but not quite what I imagined. Rocky Balboa had the potential to do what Casino Royle did for the James Bond franchise., not in a sense of reviving it as a bankable property, but in a sense of reintroducing it with style, skill and class. Rocky Balboa tells a good story but doesn’t leave you begging for more. Perhaps that’s a fitting end to close out a franchise, but this is show business and you should always leave them wanting more. Even if you never intend to give it to them.

Not for me. I know the story and I don’t need to relive it. It might be worth a rental if the extras revealed part of Stallone’s journey to close out this character. I respect him as a creator and I respect his process so I’d love to hear more about that, I just don’t respect the movie as much as the man.

I wanted to avoid doing a joke about how old Stallone is. It was just my first instinct and I knew there would be a lot of other comics out there looking at it the same way. Although Kevin was able to put a really nice spin on it in this weeks Retail Rage. This timeline joke came to me and I really liked the idea that Rocky V ruined what could have been. That the franchise would eventually dissolve into this ridiculous parade of absurdity. I had a whole slew of possible adversaries where it could have gone on for another 10 panels, but oddly enough the “Zombie Mick” idea didn’t come to me until just before I hit the drawing board. I had no idea how it was going to end.

Actually it was Yeo that talked me out of doing “The Ghost of Mick”. We talked it out and agreed that ghosts are consciously evil, but zombies aren’t actively trying to kill people. They’re just acting on instinct. This allows me to have student and teacher fighting each other without vilifying Mick. I’m glad Yeo suggested it. I think it was the right way to go.

Featuring: Rocky - Yeah, that’s a no brainier. If you liked this movie then go check out how it began. Even if you’ve seen it a dozen times, Rocky is one of those movies that holds up and inspires with every viewing. You know who wins, but watch it again anyway.

I used to be a big boxing fan until I asked Mike Tyson for his autograph at a urinal and he bit off one of my wing nuts. Do you know how hard those things are to replace? I’m an out of date model. Replacement parts aren’t cheap and I never forgot that. When I asked Evander Hollyfield for his autograph I made sure he was down to the drip.

While better judgement tells me not to recommend a movie with so much violence, I can’t resist a good transformation. Rocky will not only show you how an old guy can transform into a powerful force… he’ll also transform your heart. That doesn’t really make sense. 1 halo up!

Tonight will be Digital Pimp’s third Podcast and we’ll be doing a little year-end wrap up. If you’re around at 10pm eastern time stop on by!

Also I wanted to point you guys towards a great new comic by Rob and Elliot co-creator Clay Yount. It’s called Cosmobear and so far it is so beautiful. Clay told me a little bit about this project last year and I’m really excited to see it develop. He’s a real talent and it’s very cool to see him embark on this new strip.

Lastly, I got stupid sick over the weekend and I’m trying hard to catch up on work now, but if you’d like to see the comics for Casino Royale and Little Miss Sunshine, head over to the Digital Pimp message boards and check out the members section. I’ll get to the reviews eventually; I just need to kick this head cold.

Live Journal/Myspace/Rotten Tomatoes/Buzz Comix/Top Web Comics/Comics on the Ipod/The Webcomics List/Online Comics/Wikipedia/Comixpedia/JLCM Map!

Joe – The creator of the strip who has embraced giving crappy movies the chance they deserve. Like the majority of the cast he’s obsessed with boobs.

First Appearance - The Introduction

Yeo – Yeo is Joe’s wife and often the voice of reason in the strip. Having her act rational allows the rest of the cast to embrace being in a comic strip which primarily involves randomly punching people, interacting with fictional characters and talking about boobs. Yeo is smart, beautiful and way too good for Joe. Don’t tip her off.

First Appearance - Fever Pitch

Irv – Joe’s movie-going sidekick who’s always down for watching Jason Statham crescent moon kick some thug through a plate glass window and getting some drinks before after and during a Vin Diesel movie. Like the majority of the cast he’s obsessed with boobs.

First Appearance - Ong-Bak: The Thai Warrior

Agent 337 George Jones – A government Agent that took over for Joe after he was bad-mouthing President Bush in the V for Vendetta strip. George ran the show for over a month bring a much needed sense of patriotism and justice to both the strips and reviews. He eventually got too attached to his work, empathizing with Joe’s plight to give crappy movies a fair shake. In a way he came to love crappy movies as well and was pushed out of the position. He spiraled out of control and ended up in prison. His adventures will be told in the limited series JLCM Presents: 337 Locked Up which is set to début Christmas of 09.

First Appearance - V for Vendetta

Other Notable Appearances: Stay Alive, Ice age 2, Larry the Cable Guy: Health Inspector, Slither, Here Comes Guest week, Let’s Go To Prison

Leonidas – The former king of Sparta who has traveled into the future and is having trouble coping with the modern times. Yelling loudly and kicking people into giant holes doesn’t really work the same way it did in the olden days. As time as gone by he’s adjusted but it’s a safe bet that he’s always one bad message away from throwing a spear through someone.

First Appearance - 300

Other Notable Appearances: Four Brothers, Strip# 300, The Golden Compass, Rambo, Untraceable, The Ladies of Max Paybe

Palpatine – Former Senator, Emperor of the Galactic Empire, Sith Lord... He shows up in the Joe Loves Crappy movies galaxy on occasion to let people know that they’re being stupid. No one’s really sure how he shows up in this universe but chances are it breaks all kinds of copywrite laws.

First Appearance - Episode III: The Dark Side

Other Notable Appearances: Four Brothers, Night Watch, Saw 3, Are We Done Yet

Slow Billy – Billy is a sweet kid but he’s not the sharpest tool in the shed. If you’re watching him for the day be prepared to explain to him the plot of the movie or how popcorn works or, not so much where babies come from, but what babies are. He’s a complete moron.

First Appearance - Four Brothers

Other Notable Appearances: The Chronicles of Narnia, The Da Vinci Code, Vantage Point, Journey to the Center of the Earth

Kyle the Movie Snob – Be careful what fun facts about movies you tell your friends at a friendly gathering or in line for the latest blockbuster, because if you’re even slightly wrong, Kyle will be more than happy to let you know. He usually gets what’s coming to him though. Poor guy has cracked three ribs since joining the JLCM cast.

First Appearance - Ultraviolet

Other Notable Appearances: 16 Blocks, Pirates of the Caribbean: At World’s End, Transformers, Journey to the Center of the Earth

Jean-Luc Picard – Another lawsuit waiting to happen is Jean Luc Picard who, towards the end of the strip’s first year, became the go-to background character. If there was ever a seat to fill or a random person to place wandering around in the background, nine times out of ten it was Picard. While Picard has crossed paths with Irv he and Joe have never met. Perhaps they will some day but for now just can an eye on the background.

First Appearance - The Producers

Other Notable Appearances: I’m not telling you, that’s no fun. It’ like Where’s Waldo – go find him!

Ice Cream Sandwich – Delicious and… deadly? Usually when you see someone eating an Ice Cream sandwich, someone else is experiencing a substantial amount of pain. Still, how nice is an ice cream sandwich on a hot summer day?

First Appearance - Saw IV

Other Notable Appearances: Bee Movie, Run Fatboy Run, Saw V