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Love crappy movies but are too ashamed to admit it? Are you a big Rob Schneider fan but you're tired of being burned? Not sure if you want to waste your money on the same old movie? That's why you have Joe.

Joe Loves Crappy Movies is by Joseph Dunn. Joe willingly goes to see the very worst that Hollywood has to offer. Whenever a crappy movie comes out Joe will be there to see it, make fun of it, and actually review it. Nothing is safe, and nothing is sacred. From the big budget action disasters to the low brow fart based comedies, to anything starring Martin Lawrence? Joe will tear it apart.

With each entry you'll get not only a comic poking fun at the movie, but also a detailed review. Joe's not educated in film or cinematography or acting, he's just a guy that draws comics and likes movies. So if you're looking for the everyman perspective and a little joke in comic form... you're in the right place.

10 on the 10th: Joe’s Top 10 Sci-Fi Films of All Time.

June 2006

10 on the 10th is a new feature with a few advantages that the normal strip doesn’t offer me. Primarily it gives me an opportunity to take a look back at some older movies that have really meant a lot to me. Movies that won’t be on the big screen any time soon. Secondly it gives the readers an opportunity to have their own input on the strip. I’ll get to that but let’s run over how this all works.

On the 10th of every month I will choose a category and provide my own personal top 10 list of that category. I’ll write a brief paragraph on each film except for one that will become the focus of a full review and the comic itself. For instance, this month I chose 12 Monkeys. Simple enough, right?

Where do you come in? Well, along with the top 10 list prominently featured with the write-ups, I’ll have the following month's category and list announced at the bottom of the review. You’ll have a peek at the full top 10 list, then over on the Digital Pimp Boards you’ll be able to vote on which movie from that list you’d like to be the focus of the comic and review on the 10th of the next month.

So if you’re just dying to know my deepest darkest feelings on the brilliance of Road House then now’s your chance to make it happen. Though I can’t imagine Road House making any of the top 10 lists. Still… he does rip out some dude's throat in that movie so you never know.

That’s basically how it works. No big surprises. I’m hoping that this will be a lot of fun for everybody. It gives me a reason to break out some old DVD’s and hopefully it’ll bring the JLCM community closer together. I want you guys as readers to feel like you have a say in what’s going on. It’s important, and this is a step towards that.

As far as the lists go please keep in mind that this strip is called Joe Loves CRAPPY Movies so you may not agree with my thoughts. You’ve been warned.

The first 10 on the 10th features the best of Sci-Fi. This was all inspired by Guardian Unlimited’s Top Ten Sci-Fi Films List and the discussion that followed on the boards. I thought it was interesting enough to make it into its own on-going event. So here it is. My top 10 Sci-Fi films of all time.

10. Men In Black: (Columbia Pictures 1997) In 1997, the idea of an alien watchdog agency on earth with the task of monitoring and policing all the alien life on earth, was original and fresh. Men In Black had the perfect blend of humor, action, special effects, and cool to make me fall in love with it from the start. It’s a unique movie that takes its unique idea and really has fun with it. 8 out of 10

9. Frequency (New Line Cinema 2000) Frequency was a really nice surprise. It’s less a sci-fi movie and more a family film, heavy on the father-son bond, with a sci-fi theme to keep things moving along. It’s not the bizarre happenings of two men communicating across time that make the movie so endearing, but it’s still pretty cool. 8 out of 10

8. The Last Starfighter (Universal Pictures 1984) This is one of those movies from my childhood that I always look back at with wonder and amazement. And the older I get the more incredible it becomes. An alien Starfleet trains potential pilots with arcade machines? That’s AMAZING! Between that, the body switch, and the creepy recruiter, the 8 year old me was terrified, mystified and inspired like never before. The Last Starfighter is a true classic. 8 out of 10

7. The Fifth Element (Columbia Pictures 1997) I can remember driving to see this movie in theaters and telling Phil that it was being called “the new Star Wars”, which made us both cringe a little. Does Star Wars really need a replacement? I was thrilled to find that The Fifth Element was all its own. Different settings, different characters, different ideas… and not all of them obviously cool. Director/writer Luc Besson took some real chances. If you had described to me Chris Tucker’s loud, abrasive, strangely effeminate radio host that gets all kinds of action, I never would have thought it would have played in an intergalactic action movie. But in a weird way, the movie works really well. From Gary Oldman’s southern twang to the alien language Milla Jovovich’s sputters out with grace and dexterity, The Fifth Element is its own masterpiece. 9 out of 10

6. Galaxy Quest (Dreamworks 1999) Galaxy Quest tells the story of a group of actors who once appeared on a Star Trek-like television show. The transmission of their program reaches a distant alien race who study the entertainment as if they were historical documentation. Years after the show is canceled the actors are convinced by the aliens to help them defeat an oncoming assault. The only problem is they aren’t the brave heroic figures depicted on screen – they’re actors. Beautiful effects and a wicked sense of humor round out this film that is as brilliant as it is funny. 9 out of 10

5. Terminator 2: Judgment Day (Lightstorm Entertainment Pictures 1991) There had been some debate originally in the forums over which film in the franchise was more influential, Terminator or T2. There are arguments for each side but I think the original has a better concept (by far) and that the sequel is a better movie (by a hair).

T2 is so much fun! Non-stop action that goes further and harder then any other action movie before or since. Take a second and think about T2. Think about all the action sequences and bullets and explosions jammed into that sucker. Now with all you just thought about I can tell you right away you missed the armored car chase, the death of Connors adopted mother with the finger through the milk carton, the Gatling gun! Come on, the Gatling gun! It’s stuff like that that keeps me coming back to T2 as one of the best films ever. The original is still a brilliant film with an exceptional concept, lots of intelligence and lots of terror, but I’m all about T2. 10 out of 10

4. 12 Monkeys (Universal Pictures 1995) 12 Monkeys is the star of this little show. Scroll down to see the full review on one of my top 10 movies of all time.

3. The Matrix (Warner Brothers 1999) Was there anyone that wasn’t blown away by The Matrix? I mean if it wasn’t the concept of the world as we know it being a virtual program masking a living battery farm, it was the state of the art special effects and action sequences that were completely changing the way you think and look at movies. The Matrix was followed up with a couple of great looking but less thought provoking sequels which sort of took the steam out of this amazing achievement, but I still feel it holds up exceptionally. 10 out of 10

2. Ghostbusters (Columbia Pictures 1984) Ghostbusters is a perfect movie, and the fact that it’s been around since 1984 means not only that it was way ahead of its time, but that I was one of the lucky ones to grow up with it. Having a movie like Ghostbusters as a child is indescribable. Fun, exciting, hysterical on every level.... To get raised on that was a beautiful gift. Like the Matrix, Ghostbusters was sullied by a “less than” sequel. But it’s easy to forgive them for the walking Statue of Liberty patriotic sap-fest, when I pop in the original and witness the brilliance of Stay Puft exploding in a blaze of warm cooked fluff all over Manhattan. It was perfect then and it’s perfect now. Now back off, I’m a scientist. 10 out of 10

1. Back To The Future (Universal Pictures 1985) Like the Last Starfighter and Ghostbusters, Back to the Future is one of those movies from my youth that I look back on with much love. 20 years later it still holds up fantastically as one of the best time travel adventures in film. It’s fast and funny and endearing in a way few movies really are. I always really loved the inventiveness of the story, the way time can fold in on itself and create a paradox. It’s kind of like The Terminator, but with a sense of humor and more urgency. As Marty watches his siblings fade away while trying to fend off his mother and clue in his father you really connect with him and his journey.

Unlike Matrix and Ghostbusters, Back to the Future actually has good sequels. Ones that take the concept and the characters to the next level. There’s been some heavy debate on how good or bad part 3’s trek to the West really is but I like the way it fits in to the franchise. Everyone wants to be a cowboy. 10 out of 10

On The Fence: There were a few films that almost made the list but got bumped for one reason or another. I give you… the runners up.

Jurassic Park - I love it and will happily watch it 2 or 3 times a year for the rest of my life, it was just up against some stiff competition here. 8 out of 10

The Shining - Good God this movie is freaky as hell. I was watching it a couple of days ago and forgot how amazing the best parts of it really are. It’s brilliantly shot and paced. Kubrick wasn’t even messing around. There is some iffy acting though. I feel like Nicholson goes a little too big in some scenes, and that Duvall is bland throughout. But the reason I kept it off the list is because it’s more Horror then Sci-Fi. It’ll make the horror list for sure. 9 out of 10

Pitch Black - Pitch Black suffers the same fate as The Shining. Even though on the surface it’s a sci-fi adventure, it’s really much more of a horror film that just happens to takes place in space. Like Jason X except good. 8.5 out of 10

Guilty Pleasure: Battlefield Earth - People HATE this movie with a fiery passion but I thought it was pretty good. I used to defend it to those that blindly bash it, but that is a pointless task because… everyone hates it. So I won’t bother trying to argue the logistics of the time it takes to train cavemen to fly spacecrafts or the questionable quality of an alien subliminal education device, but I’ll just say – It’s not as horrible as everyone in the world would have you believe. It’s certainly no classic, but …well… there you go. 6 out of 10

So there’s the list. Keep in mind that the list excludes movies I haven’t seen and a few classics that I didn’t feel applied. Guardian Unlimited included Star Wars, but I’m counting that as Fantasy. Otherwise one of those would have made the list, if only for nostalgia's sake. At any rate I give you the focused review on 12 Monkeys. And just as a warning – the DVD reviews will contain spoilers.

12 Monkeys

Starring: Bruce Willis, Madeleine Stowe, Brad Pitt, Christopher Plummer, David Morse

Directed by: Terry Gilliam

1995 Universal Pictures 12 Monkeys tells the story of a plague-ridden future and a criminal’s journey back in time to gather information to help save what’s left of the underground sterilized human population. OR it’s about the delusional mind of a man so out of touch with reality that he believes himself to be a time traveling survivor on a prophetic quest.

So which one is right? As James Cole (Bruce Willis) struggles to answer the question for himself we’re right there with him following the clues that lead us toward reality and sanity.

I think I know what’s real and not real. Certainly which I prefer to be the truth but it’s interesting to see the different elements planted within the movie to make you question your choice. And that’s the beauty of the ending – it could go either way. It’s open ended enough where a dozen people could come out of the theater with a dozen different perspectives and conclusions.

The versatility of the story wasn’t even the first thing that appealed to me. I’ve seen this movie 15 to 20 times and it keeps evolving. At first I was drawn to it for what the basic story presents itself as – a time travel adventure with great actors acting greatly. It was only later that I started to really pay attention to what was really going on. Starting to take what Cole was saying as more than the ramblings of a very stressed and very confused individual. I started realizing there was more to it.

But those elements that drew me to it initially are as strong as they ever were. As a sci-fi time traveling thriller it’s smart and layered and addictively cool. The three principal leads are all at the top of their game. Madeleine Stowe is always good, she acts rarely these days but her instincts for good scripts are fantastic so I’ll see her in anything. In Monkeys Stowe nimbly navigates the puzzling waters of believing in her patient or trusting her better instincts. It’s the head vs. the heart and watching her take on the battle is a pleasure.

At this point in time Bruce Willis was known almost exclusively on the big screen as an action star. He’s a less obvious choice for the role but with him comes big Hollywood, the big opening weekend, and a budget needed to produce a movie of this size and scale. But that’s not all he brought.

12 Monkeys is one of the first movies to show what Willis could really do as an actor. A man from a diseased world thrust back to a time where he spends half his time defending his sanity and the other half enjoying the clean air, is naturally going to have a few ups and downs in his emotions. Bruce captures every emotion from lost and scared to stoned and confused with scary accuracy. It’s incredible to see him hold his own with a soft deflated somberness next to an animated Pitt who’s literally bouncing off the walls.

Everyone knows now how good Bruce really is. Monkeys was just one of those earlier indications.

Brad Pitt turned the tide with 12 Monkeys. It was right in early 1995 when Legends of the Fall and Interview with the Vampire made Pitt a household name and of course, the Sexiest Man in America. I was aware of him but not really a big fan. It seemed like the real star was his hair and abs. I just wasn’t falling for it.

Then SE7EN and 12 Monkeys hit the world and everything changed. I was able to look past the physical characteristics that made him a celebrity in the first place and was able to see the skill and ability that would ultimately classify him as a talented celebrity. Monkeys earned him an Academy Award nomination and Golden Globe win for Best Supporting Actor. Much deserved. His manic scattered performance of the ambitiously insane leader of the 12 Monkeys is flawless.

Since then Pitt has been able to choose his own projects and thankfully there have been fewer Seven Years in Tibets and more Fight Clubs. More Snatches. More Ocean’s Elevens. And I’m really happy about that. So even if it took a thousand sit-ups and a professional hairdresser to get him to the right level of success, I’d say it was all worth it.

Each actor took a pay cut to work on Monkeys. I couldn’t tell you exactly why they were willing. It could have been the script or even the chance to work with Terry Gilliam (Brazil, The Fisher King, Monty Python). But I’m glad they did because it seemed to be the perfect combination of script, stars, and crew. Few movies have the depth and style of 12 Monkeys. 10 years after its release it’s still a poignant human story told with a soft passion and urgent power. One of the best films ever made.

Movie: 10 out of 10

You could nit-pick it and pick out little problems here and there if you really tried but the second Cole beats up a pimp with a telephone it automatically jumps to 10.

DVD features

The features are ok. A few standards that are always nice like Production Notes and the original Theatrical Trailer. There’s also a commentary with director Terry Gilliam and producer Charles Roven which was really great. They had a lot to say about what it’s like to make an independent style big budget European art film in the Hollywood system. Both sounded a little bitter on the whole experience but when the movie is this good I could care less.

Stand outs

There’s a behind-the-scenes documentary that covered the making of 12 Monkeys from concept all the way to the box office results. At an hour and a half in length the documentary meticulously dissects nearly every aspect of filmmaking and how it affected 12 Monkeys. There was a section on advertising, which I found particularly interesting. Seeing alternate ad campaigns and potential poster imagery was enlightening. Some of it was so wrong for the movie, but it was still interesting to see.

Much of the documentary echoes things said on the commentary track. More detail on the topics they were only able to touch upon. The two complement each other even though it takes the better part of an afternoon to get through them.

What’s Missing?

In both the commentary and the documentary there was mention of deleted scenes. I would have loved to see some of that, but it’s no big deal. This movie could have come with nothing and I still would have scooped it up.

DVD: 6 out of 10

Some good stuff but there’s not much worth revisiting. I might listen to the commentary again but I can’t imagine making it a priority. Still, I’m glad I saw it.

DVD Worthy:

Damn right. Sorry but for me, the movie is an incredible adventure that gets better and better as time goes on. Each time I watch it I admire a new perspective and a new emotion. I happily sat through it 3 times in this past week. If it were the only DVD they ever produced I’d happily keep a DVD player in working order for the rest of my life.

That’s it for the science fiction goodness. I hope you enjoyed my list. I’m sure I’m going to get more than a couple e-mails titled “You’re completely insane” or “MIB sucks donkey balls” or… well you get the idea, but that’s cool. I’m sure I’ll hear a lot more trash for my preview of next month’s top 10 list.

Next month’s top 10 category, in honor of the release of Cars this week, is going to be the top 10 animated movies of all time. I’m warning you now though that the list is pretty piss poor because I haven’t had much exposure to Japanese animation. Expect a lot of mainstream stuff. Anyway, have at it!:

10. South Park: Bigger Longer and Uncut

9. Akira

8. The Little Mermaid

7. Lilo and Stitch

6. Shrek 2

5. Transformers The Movie

4. Toy Story 2

3. G.I.JOE

2. Triplets of Belleville

1. Spirited Away

So there you have it – next month's top 10 list. Here’s where you come in. Head on over to this thread on the DPO boards and let me know which movie you’d like me to review. Next month it’ll get the full 12 Monkeys treatment.

Until then thanks for reading, guys. I know this one was a long one, but I hope you enjoyed it. As a last bit of business I offer the vote incentive. This review totally took everything out of me and I couldn’t come up with a good incentive idea. Fast Times is on TBS and I decided to draw Spicoli. Took like 2 minutes, which is much better than my first instinct, which was to draw 12 Monkeys. Nuts to that! Maybe tomorrow night. Spicoli is over at Buzzcomix, and if it’s not too much to ask, a quick vote at Top Web would be very much appreciated as well. Thanks a ton, and I’ll see you in a couple of days.

Live Journal/Myspace/Rotten Tomatoes/Buzz Comix/Top Web Comics/Comics on the Ipod/The Webcomics List/Online Comics/Wikipedia/Comixpedia/JLCM Map!

Joe – The creator of the strip who has embraced giving crappy movies the chance they deserve. Like the majority of the cast he’s obsessed with boobs.

First Appearance - The Introduction

Yeo – Yeo is Joe’s wife and often the voice of reason in the strip. Having her act rational allows the rest of the cast to embrace being in a comic strip which primarily involves randomly punching people, interacting with fictional characters and talking about boobs. Yeo is smart, beautiful and way too good for Joe. Don’t tip her off.

First Appearance - Fever Pitch

Irv – Joe’s movie-going sidekick who’s always down for watching Jason Statham crescent moon kick some thug through a plate glass window and getting some drinks before after and during a Vin Diesel movie. Like the majority of the cast he’s obsessed with boobs.

First Appearance - Ong-Bak: The Thai Warrior

Agent 337 George Jones – A government Agent that took over for Joe after he was bad-mouthing President Bush in the V for Vendetta strip. George ran the show for over a month bring a much needed sense of patriotism and justice to both the strips and reviews. He eventually got too attached to his work, empathizing with Joe’s plight to give crappy movies a fair shake. In a way he came to love crappy movies as well and was pushed out of the position. He spiraled out of control and ended up in prison. His adventures will be told in the limited series JLCM Presents: 337 Locked Up which is set to début Christmas of 09.

First Appearance - V for Vendetta

Other Notable Appearances: Stay Alive, Ice age 2, Larry the Cable Guy: Health Inspector, Slither, Here Comes Guest week, Let’s Go To Prison

Leonidas – The former king of Sparta who has traveled into the future and is having trouble coping with the modern times. Yelling loudly and kicking people into giant holes doesn’t really work the same way it did in the olden days. As time as gone by he’s adjusted but it’s a safe bet that he’s always one bad message away from throwing a spear through someone.

First Appearance - 300

Other Notable Appearances: Four Brothers, Strip# 300, The Golden Compass, Rambo, Untraceable, The Ladies of Max Paybe

Palpatine – Former Senator, Emperor of the Galactic Empire, Sith Lord... He shows up in the Joe Loves Crappy movies galaxy on occasion to let people know that they’re being stupid. No one’s really sure how he shows up in this universe but chances are it breaks all kinds of copywrite laws.

First Appearance - Episode III: The Dark Side

Other Notable Appearances: Four Brothers, Night Watch, Saw 3, Are We Done Yet

Slow Billy – Billy is a sweet kid but he’s not the sharpest tool in the shed. If you’re watching him for the day be prepared to explain to him the plot of the movie or how popcorn works or, not so much where babies come from, but what babies are. He’s a complete moron.

First Appearance - Four Brothers

Other Notable Appearances: The Chronicles of Narnia, The Da Vinci Code, Vantage Point, Journey to the Center of the Earth

Kyle the Movie Snob – Be careful what fun facts about movies you tell your friends at a friendly gathering or in line for the latest blockbuster, because if you’re even slightly wrong, Kyle will be more than happy to let you know. He usually gets what’s coming to him though. Poor guy has cracked three ribs since joining the JLCM cast.

First Appearance - Ultraviolet

Other Notable Appearances: 16 Blocks, Pirates of the Caribbean: At World’s End, Transformers, Journey to the Center of the Earth

Jean-Luc Picard – Another lawsuit waiting to happen is Jean Luc Picard who, towards the end of the strip’s first year, became the go-to background character. If there was ever a seat to fill or a random person to place wandering around in the background, nine times out of ten it was Picard. While Picard has crossed paths with Irv he and Joe have never met. Perhaps they will some day but for now just can an eye on the background.

First Appearance - The Producers

Other Notable Appearances: I’m not telling you, that’s no fun. It’ like Where’s Waldo – go find him!

Ice Cream Sandwich – Delicious and… deadly? Usually when you see someone eating an Ice Cream sandwich, someone else is experiencing a substantial amount of pain. Still, how nice is an ice cream sandwich on a hot summer day?

First Appearance - Saw IV

Other Notable Appearances: Bee Movie, Run Fatboy Run, Saw V