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Discuss this week's Joe Loves Crappy Movies here!

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Love crappy movies but are too ashamed to admit it? Are you a big Rob Schneider fan but you're tired of being burned? Not sure if you want to waste your money on the same old movie? That's why you have Joe.

Joe Loves Crappy Movies is by Joseph Dunn. Joe willingly goes to see the very worst that Hollywood has to offer. Whenever a crappy movie comes out Joe will be there to see it, make fun of it, and actually review it. Nothing is safe, and nothing is sacred. From the big budget action disasters to the low brow fart based comedies, to anything starring Martin Lawrence? Joe will tear it apart.

With each entry you'll get not only a comic poking fun at the movie, but also a detailed review. Joe's not educated in film or cinematography or acting, he's just a guy that draws comics and likes movies. So if you're looking for the everyman perspective and a little joke in comic form... you're in the right place.

Unleashed

Released: 5/13/05

Viewed: 7:00pm 5/18/05

Starring: Jet Li, Bob Hoskins, Morgan Freemen

Directed by: Louis Leterrier

Jet Li the actor. That sentence doesn't make sense on a few levels. Don't get me wrong. Jet Li is the man. I love watching him kick some random dude in the face. High kicking doesn't not make a good actor. Millionaire yes. Actor no.

So he's breaking out. Kicking down the doors that block him from making real movies. Get it? Kicking? Ok I'll stop. Jet Li enters into the role in Unleashed of a man that was raised as an animal. Raised to do his masters bidding. Whatever that may be. Now, his master doesn't ask him to like pick up the dry cleaning or do his taxes. It's all fighting and intimidation. Used to collect debts Li's character Danny catches the eye of an underground fight promoter. Before you know it Danny and Master Bob Hoskins are knee deep in a world of killing for money.

But as soon as it starts it ends. Danny escapes after a jaw dropping car accident, and moves in with a blind man and his stepdaughter. Those roles were played outstandingly by Morgan Freeman and Kerry Condon. I don't mean to shock anybody? but hold onto your seat? Morgan Freeman can act! Oh no, the secrets out. Now he'll make a hundred more awesome movies and be nominated for award after award.

So my first reaction was "What the hell is Morgan Freeman doing in this movie!?" But I'll be damned if this isn't just some action bonanza loosely clinging on to a thin premise of a man-dog. It's actually a great story with some top notch performances.

Freeman is just good. Watching him act is so natural. It just "is". He so good. As is Condon. I've never seen her in anything before and here she just plays a sweet awkward girl. They're a perfect little family these two, with a sad past. But they move on together as a family. When Li joins there group they welcome him openly, and this is the real meat of the story. I thought the fighting would be what kept it going but this relationship and coexistence and understanding was fascinating to watch.

Hoskins could easily have played this so big and over the top but he's pitch perfect as a sleazy manipulative bastard. If someone came up to me and said ? "Did you hear about Bob Hoskins? Turns out he's a gangster and he makes bums fight each other for money." I would say ? "That makes a lot of sense."

Don't worry you vicious fight fans. There's a good bit of it. (Could've used an extra sequence if you ask me) And what's in there is great. Make no mistake. Li can really move. And he's ruthless in his style. He really embraced the whole "crazed animal" aspect of it. I will say that "I thought it had too much style. If he was really raised like an animal would he know how to jump kick someone. Maybe I guess.

Best fight of the movie takes place in a bathroom that can't be more then 4 feet wide. Danny and the clean shaven man wail on each other in this little space. It was out of control! Also happens to be the best "who the hell is in my bathroom?" moment since Predator 2. (Go rent Predator 2 and laugh your ass off.) Worst fight is a 5 on 1 battle in the arena. It starts off and ends pretty cool but it gets a little tedious in the middle.

The worst of the movie overall I'm sorry to say is Li's acting. It's not bad., In some places it's right on target. In other's it's like he's trying to hard. It's like someone told him to act like a dog. You half expect him to go smell someone's ass or hang his head out the car window. But it wasn't distracting to the point where I wouldn't recommend the movie.

6.5 out of 10 Serious ass kicking structured in a really sweet story. And it's all pieced together and acted very well.

DVD Worthy? Maybe. I enjoyed it, but I don't think it's something I would watch over and over again.

Trailer Hitch: A new feature where I talk about the best or worst trailer seen before the movie.

Dukes of Hazzard: Wasn't thrilled a few months ago when they announced the cast. Johnny Knoxville rules hard core ? sure. But Sean William Scott (master of the buddy action flick) is either hit or miss. Jessica Simpsonas daisy? Doesn't that sound wrong? Burt Reynolds as Boss Hog is inspired though. You gotta love that.

What really made me happy was a couple of months back when I heard Jay Chandrasekhar was on board to direct, and that his comedy troop Broken Lizard wrote the script. Club Dread and Super Troopers are both awesomely funny so I full faith that Dukes will follow suit.

And thankfully the trailer looks pretty good. Scott is not playing Stiffler, and Knoxville is very southern. And Jessica Simpson looks very hot. Even though it's filled to the rim with cheesy one-liners, it looks like it'll be a good time. Good laughs and car chases. What else do you need really?

Joe – The creator of the strip who has embraced giving crappy movies the chance they deserve. Like the majority of the cast he’s obsessed with boobs.

First Appearance - The Introduction

Yeo – Yeo is Joe’s wife and often the voice of reason in the strip. Having her act rational allows the rest of the cast to embrace being in a comic strip which primarily involves randomly punching people, interacting with fictional characters and talking about boobs. Yeo is smart, beautiful and way too good for Joe. Don’t tip her off.

First Appearance - Fever Pitch

Irv – Joe’s movie-going sidekick who’s always down for watching Jason Statham crescent moon kick some thug through a plate glass window and getting some drinks before after and during a Vin Diesel movie. Like the majority of the cast he’s obsessed with boobs.

First Appearance - Ong-Bak: The Thai Warrior

Agent 337 George Jones – A government Agent that took over for Joe after he was bad-mouthing President Bush in the V for Vendetta strip. George ran the show for over a month bring a much needed sense of patriotism and justice to both the strips and reviews. He eventually got too attached to his work, empathizing with Joe’s plight to give crappy movies a fair shake. In a way he came to love crappy movies as well and was pushed out of the position. He spiraled out of control and ended up in prison. His adventures will be told in the limited series JLCM Presents: 337 Locked Up which is set to début Christmas of 09.

First Appearance - V for Vendetta

Other Notable Appearances: Stay Alive, Ice age 2, Larry the Cable Guy: Health Inspector, Slither, Here Comes Guest week, Let’s Go To Prison

Leonidas – The former king of Sparta who has traveled into the future and is having trouble coping with the modern times. Yelling loudly and kicking people into giant holes doesn’t really work the same way it did in the olden days. As time as gone by he’s adjusted but it’s a safe bet that he’s always one bad message away from throwing a spear through someone.

First Appearance - 300

Other Notable Appearances: Four Brothers, Strip# 300, The Golden Compass, Rambo, Untraceable, The Ladies of Max Paybe

Palpatine – Former Senator, Emperor of the Galactic Empire, Sith Lord... He shows up in the Joe Loves Crappy movies galaxy on occasion to let people know that they’re being stupid. No one’s really sure how he shows up in this universe but chances are it breaks all kinds of copywrite laws.

First Appearance - Episode III: The Dark Side

Other Notable Appearances: Four Brothers, Night Watch, Saw 3, Are We Done Yet

Slow Billy – Billy is a sweet kid but he’s not the sharpest tool in the shed. If you’re watching him for the day be prepared to explain to him the plot of the movie or how popcorn works or, not so much where babies come from, but what babies are. He’s a complete moron.

First Appearance - Four Brothers

Other Notable Appearances: The Chronicles of Narnia, The Da Vinci Code, Vantage Point, Journey to the Center of the Earth

Kyle the Movie Snob – Be careful what fun facts about movies you tell your friends at a friendly gathering or in line for the latest blockbuster, because if you’re even slightly wrong, Kyle will be more than happy to let you know. He usually gets what’s coming to him though. Poor guy has cracked three ribs since joining the JLCM cast.

First Appearance - Ultraviolet

Other Notable Appearances: 16 Blocks, Pirates of the Caribbean: At World’s End, Transformers, Journey to the Center of the Earth

Jean-Luc Picard – Another lawsuit waiting to happen is Jean Luc Picard who, towards the end of the strip’s first year, became the go-to background character. If there was ever a seat to fill or a random person to place wandering around in the background, nine times out of ten it was Picard. While Picard has crossed paths with Irv he and Joe have never met. Perhaps they will some day but for now just can an eye on the background.

First Appearance - The Producers

Other Notable Appearances: I’m not telling you, that’s no fun. It’ like Where’s Waldo – go find him!

Ice Cream Sandwich – Delicious and… deadly? Usually when you see someone eating an Ice Cream sandwich, someone else is experiencing a substantial amount of pain. Still, how nice is an ice cream sandwich on a hot summer day?

First Appearance - Saw IV

Other Notable Appearances: Bee Movie, Run Fatboy Run, Saw V