Twists of Fate: Stormtroopers Can’t Shoot

This joke came about out of my frustrations during Max Payne when the bad guys couldn’t hit a single one of their targets. I’ve given that movie two comics now (one, two) when it barely deserved one, so I decided to focus this joke on the most notorious of terrible shooters in cinema history – The Stormtroopers.

They get plenty of chances in the first three Star Wars films but the Stormtroopers just do not shoot well. They shoot so poorly in fact that when Han and Luke dress up as them – they shoot worse. And we’re talking about a kid that used to bullseye womp rats in his T-16 back home and a guy who had just killed a dude in a bar before he could even get off a shot…. Or so the story goes.

Han should be quaking in his boots in that image above as he tries to close the dock of the Millennium Falcon so the gang can finish their rescue mission. I mean, look at that army of soldiers at the ready. If we’d known every one in the Empire was a terrible shot then we wouldn’t have been worried about the escape at all. Can you imagine if the characters knew? They could have skipped up the whole trip through the garbage shoot and just waltzed passed the incompetent infantry and casually flown home.

I’m willing to give the Troopers the benefit of the doubt though. It’s got to be hard enough to see inside those helmets let alone aim and fire a blaster. I’m surprised they can walk in a straight line to be honest.

It got me thinking about other classic movie characters that also can’t shoot, but there were few that came to mind. Probably because those who can’t shoot don’t live very long. It’s a sort of situation where, you either learn how to aim or you die trying. The Ghostbusters fall into that category pretty well. I laugh just thinking about them testing out the gear, going after Slimer in the dinning hall, just destroying every thing in their wake. By the time the movie ends their old pros – crossing streams and roasting marshmallows and whatnot, but that first mission was a victory in the least sense of the word.

At least the Ghostbusters have an excuse though. They had to deal with an unwieldy stream. The Stormtrooper’s blasters shoot strait the last time I checked. As hard as I tried though I couldn’t think of any famously awful shooters in cinema history. If you guys can think of any of the worst (or best) shooters of all time please post them here. I’m talking about guys that could hit a flea of the back of a dogs ass from 100 yards out and the guys that are so bad they cut of their toe when they're trying to clip their finger nails. I'm not how that relates to shooting but it does somehow.

I wanted to shift gears to talk about something a little more specific to today’s comic. I’ve titled it “Twists of fate that would have made Star Wars SUCK!� and I’d say there’s more than a few of you out there that might argue a Stormtrooper that actually knows how to use his gun would make the film more real, more believable and therefore “better�. I’m right there with you unless of course it makes them so good that they kill Luke 5 minutes after they land on the Deathstar. That might have ruined the movie a little.

I suppose I could have added that extra panel of Luke getting taken out, but I like the way this joke sits. I like that it’s just them coming to the realization that they should be hitting their targets.

The reason I used the title “Twists of fate that would have made Star Wars SUCK!� as opposed to something less specific is because it’s something I established last spring. I’ve actually done three comic under that title (one that actually features Luke dying) that were done exclusively for Clickwheel as part of their downloadable sampler book iNKED. I liked the idea of messing with continuity so much that I decided to carry it over to the comics here. I hope you guys approve.

Those three strips are definitely worth checking out if you’ve got the time but I’ve got more in store for you guys in the future.

I’ve got a rerun of Spike TV’s Scream Awards on in the background as I’m working on this and they’ve got a nice collection of exclusives to show and stars to introduce them. It’s amazing how far that awards ceremony has come in the last couple years. George Lucas is there. Even though I make fun of him a little in today’s comic, that’s still a big catch.

It was nice to see Anthony Hopkins, Wes Craven and Tim Burton honored as well as footage from Twiglight and Friday the 13th which looks pretty good, but I turned the thing on in the first place to see if I could catch a glimpse of the Watchmen footage. They ran it, I watched it, and it was good.

Some of it we’ve seen before. I suppose if you went to Comic Con you saw all of it, but their were the littlest of bits I’d never seen and it was very much worth my while. Hopefully it’ll be up on the Internet by morning. What with all the legal stuff that’s been surrounding the film lately we really needed this as fans. I’m ready to start focusing on just getting excited for the movie again.

Before I go for the day I have two little plugs. One is for my own comic, I’ll get that out of the way quick. Phil and I are now 4 strips into a Seesaw storyline over at Matriculated and I’m really having a good time with it. I’m happy with the way it’s developing and would love for more people to check out the wonderful stories Phil is putting together there.

Plug number two goes to a comic called Dear Pirate in which submitted questions from readers and fans are answered in comic form by a clay pirate. I met the creator at Baltimore Comic Con two years ago and loved the concept instantly. So much so that I submitted a question right then and there. It was, “What is your perfect Sunday?� It took him a little over two years to answer it (typical lazy pirate) but it’s up right now. Go show the pirate some love.

Well that is it for today but I hope you enjoyed the random Star Wars joke. I’ll be back with more before you know it. Thanks for reading.