Love crappy movies but are too ashamed to admit it? Are you a big Rob Schneider fan but you're tired of being burned? Not sure if you want to waste your money on the same old movie? That's why you have Joe.
Joe Loves Crappy Movies is by Joseph Dunn. Joe willingly goes to see the very worst that Hollywood has to offer. Whenever a crappy movie comes out Joe will be there to see it, make fun of it, and actually review it. Nothing is safe, and nothing is sacred. From the big budget action disasters to the low brow fart based comedies, to anything starring Martin Lawrence? Joe will tear it apart.
With each entry you'll get not only a comic poking fun at the movie, but also a detailed review. Joe's not educated in film or cinematography or acting, he's just a guy that draws comics and likes movies. So if you're looking for the everyman perspective and a little joke in comic form... you're in the right place.
10,000 B.C.
Starring: Steven Strait, Camilla Belle, Cliff Curtis, Affif Ben Badra, Mo Zinal, Joel Virgel, Nathanael Baring
Directed by: Roland Emmerich
Warner Brothers
The Official Site of 10,000 B.C.
Discuss 10,000 B.C. on the boards!
About twenty minutes into 10,000 B.C., the new prehistoric adventure from director Roland Emmerich (Independence Day, The Day After Tomorrow) I realized why my trip to see the movie was a reluctant one, why my instincts for months had been to let this one slip past my radar into home video obscurity. 10,000 B.C. isn’t for me. It isn’t for the discerning adult ready to pick apart historical, social, economical and whatever-ical problems at every turn. This is a movie for kids. Big visuals and classic themes like destiny, loss, sacrifice and family in a genre setting meant to make an impression on the most impressionable people of all: 4 to 12-year-olds.
At this twenty minute mark, when I realized who the target audience was, it was like I was seeing the movie with fresh eyes. I was able to tap into my inner child and enjoy the movie from a new perspective. That's something I NEVER would have thought was possible after the months of bland promotion that indicated good visuals but an uninformed sense of history.
The moment that set me free was an encounter that our young hero (a dreadlocked Steven Strait that you wouldn’t recognize form his roles in Sky High and The Covenant) has with a saber tooth tiger, so obviously a cartoon that you half expect him to start telling you what’s GRRRRREAT! (The mammoth stampedes and sweeping temple shots make for much more impressive visuals.) The tiger, trapped under a beam is sure to drown in the rising rainwater of the pit the two have fallen into. Our hero, just as he’s about to kill the beast three times his size feels a moment of pity and decides to set him free. As he does he reminds the tiger not to eat him once he’s capable of doing so.
It was a brief moment of levity that the movie sorely needed after 20 minutes of ancient prophecies and rampaging warlords setting the stage. In that moment I knew to let out a laugh and relax a little. From then out I took the good with the bad, trying not to let the occasional historical inaccuracy or green-screened chase sequence ruin what was turning out to be a pretty good adventure in the tradition of the old pulp serials of the 1930’s. (Here’s a link to a gentlemen much smarter than I who had no problem bashing those inaccuracies. As well someone should. If kid’s are the target audience then someone should be looking out for them. 10,000 B.C.’s greatest flaw is that it choose to take place at a specific time. )
The story follows our hero as he crosses the land in search of his captured townsfolk including a blue-eyed beauty (Camilla Belle who manages to pull of cavewoman chic with a lot of class) who’s predestine to fall in love with a warrior that will set their people free. Guess who that is? It’s a familiar theme but so are many of the major plot points that 10,000 B.C. touches upon. Absentee fathers with mysterious agendas, true love, birthright, destiny, etc. All of these themes would stick out in a movie that took itself too seriously but feel very comfortable here inside the structure of the classic adventure of the boy no one expects to be a hero. Luke Skywalker, Harry Potter, King Arthur… he’s just another underdog making good. He just did it 10,000 years before Jesus made it cool.
10,000 B.C. is corny and predictable but if you think about it, so are New Hope, Willow, Planet of the Apes and The Princess Bride. All movies that we've grown up on and admired in one way or another despite the fact that they are just visual playgrounds recycling classic themes in a specific genres. I'm not saying that 10,000 B.C. is the next Star Wars, but your 5-year-old may disagree with me.
Rating: 6 out of 10 - I’m really impressed with how much this movie did not suck. That may sound harsh but the previews made it look terribly generic and completely dead behind the eyes. It’s far from ground breaking but there’s something here reminiscent of a simpler time in film. It’s movies like this fifty years ago that made it possible for Spielberg and Lucas to really raise the bar for us.
The obvious problem is that 10,000 B.C. makes no effort of its own to raise or even hold that bar up a little. It’s comfortable being a good-looking time capsule and that may be the difference between it representing the best of the best of the Prehistoric genre and fading away with the majority of the underdeveloped trash we get week to week.
I’ll pass. I can appreciate what they were able to do here, but I doubt I’d appreciate it more than three or four times before I grew tired of it. Really good-looking stampedes of animals that haven’t existed in a really long time can only go so far.
Get Smart - Warner Brothers is pushing The Dark Knight hard right now, and that’s great but I’ve had time to get used to that trailer. The one that caught my eye in this afternoons trip to the multiplex was the new Steve Carell movie Get Smart. Updated from the classic television series of the same name about a bumbling secret agent who slips, trips and stumbles his way into defeating the bad guys every time.
I’ve always been aware of the television series from the late 60’s that stared Don Adams as Maxwell Smart/Agent 86, but I admit that I’ve never seen more than 5 minutes of the show at any given time. When I revealed this on last weeks episode of the Triple Feature, Tom told me it was like Inspector Gadget without the gadgets. I don’t think that make sense but I’m still excited to check out this movie with virgin eyes from a fresh perspective. The tone and cast list seems spot on to deliver a really fun take on the spy world, even from a property that was cancelled nearly a decade before I was born.
Something I’m particularly excited about is a direct-to-DVD tie-in movie featuring two supporting characters, Bruce and Lloyd the agents IT guys. GS: Get Bruce and Lloyd stars Masi Oka from Heroes and Nate Torrece from Studio 60 and those Capital One commercials with David Spade. The pair are featured in Get Smart as supporting characters, and this adventure shows them on their unseen task.
This is a brilliant tie-in concept that I wish more movies took advantage of. Anything that enhances the experience, especially in a series like this that just begs for more content, is always a good thing. I’m keeping my eye on this for sure.
In other trailer news, this one hasn’t hit theater’s yet but following the released picture of Robert Downey Jr. as a black dude comes the official teaser trailer for Tropic Thunder, with the fantastic tag line “Shit Blows Up”. I don’t have anything to say about the controversy because… well, because I’m too white to have an opinion before hearing all the facts, but the movie looks like explosive fun. It features Danny McBride (Hot Rod, Drillbit Tailor, The Heart Break Kid) who is easily one of the funniest people on the planet right now so my hopes are high.
Lastly, (from JoBlo.com) all you Incredible Hulk fans will have something to cheer (or sulk) about on Wednesday when the brand new trailer for Edward Norton’s take on Hulk hits TV. MTV, VH1, SpikeTV and all their subsidiaries will be spotlighting the teaser before its big screen debut on Friday with Doomsday.
Do you have a “B.C.” that you’d like to share? Feel free to post your favourite 10,000 B_____ C_____’s on the board here.
Looks like Warner Brother’s is in the Bone business. From /film I heard the great news that one of the most popular indie comics of all time is finally headed for the big screen. No word yet on whether it will be live action or animated but I’m just happy there’s news.
We may be talking about that tonight on the Triple Feature as well as the latest releases including 10,000 B.C. and the infinitely awesome heist movie, The Bank Job. Tune in tonight at 10 PM EST to hear what we have to say and share your thoughts live! Thanks for reading, gang!
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Joe – The creator of the strip who has embraced giving crappy movies the chance they deserve. Like the majority of the cast he’s obsessed with boobs.
First Appearance - The Introduction
Yeo – Yeo is Joe’s wife and often the voice of reason in the strip. Having her act rational allows the rest of the cast to embrace being in a comic strip which primarily involves randomly punching people, interacting with fictional characters and talking about boobs. Yeo is smart, beautiful and way too good for Joe. Don’t tip her off.
First Appearance - Fever Pitch
Irv – Joe’s movie-going sidekick who’s always down for watching Jason Statham crescent moon kick some thug through a plate glass window and getting some drinks before after and during a Vin Diesel movie. Like the majority of the cast he’s obsessed with boobs.
First Appearance - Ong-Bak: The Thai Warrior
Agent 337 George Jones – A government Agent that took over for Joe after he was bad-mouthing President Bush in the V for Vendetta strip. George ran the show for over a month bring a much needed sense of patriotism and justice to both the strips and reviews. He eventually got too attached to his work, empathizing with Joe’s plight to give crappy movies a fair shake. In a way he came to love crappy movies as well and was pushed out of the position. He spiraled out of control and ended up in prison. His adventures will be told in the limited series JLCM Presents: 337 Locked Up which is set to début Christmas of 09.
First Appearance - V for Vendetta
Other Notable Appearances: Stay Alive, Ice age 2, Larry the Cable Guy: Health Inspector, Slither, Here Comes Guest week, Let’s Go To Prison
Leonidas – The former king of Sparta who has traveled into the future and is having trouble coping with the modern times. Yelling loudly and kicking people into giant holes doesn’t really work the same way it did in the olden days. As time as gone by he’s adjusted but it’s a safe bet that he’s always one bad message away from throwing a spear through someone.
First Appearance - 300
Other Notable Appearances: Four Brothers, Strip# 300, The Golden Compass, Rambo, Untraceable, The Ladies of Max Paybe
Palpatine – Former Senator, Emperor of the Galactic Empire, Sith Lord... He shows up in the Joe Loves Crappy movies galaxy on occasion to let people know that they’re being stupid. No one’s really sure how he shows up in this universe but chances are it breaks all kinds of copywrite laws.
First Appearance - Episode III: The Dark Side
Other Notable Appearances: Four Brothers, Night Watch, Saw 3, Are We Done Yet
Slow Billy – Billy is a sweet kid but he’s not the sharpest tool in the shed. If you’re watching him for the day be prepared to explain to him the plot of the movie or how popcorn works or, not so much where babies come from, but what babies are. He’s a complete moron.
First Appearance - Four Brothers
Other Notable Appearances: The Chronicles of Narnia, The Da Vinci Code, Vantage Point, Journey to the Center of the Earth
Kyle the Movie Snob – Be careful what fun facts about movies you tell your friends at a friendly gathering or in line for the latest blockbuster, because if you’re even slightly wrong, Kyle will be more than happy to let you know. He usually gets what’s coming to him though. Poor guy has cracked three ribs since joining the JLCM cast.
First Appearance - Ultraviolet
Other Notable Appearances: 16 Blocks, Pirates of the Caribbean: At World’s End, Transformers, Journey to the Center of the Earth
Jean-Luc Picard – Another lawsuit waiting to happen is Jean Luc Picard who, towards the end of the strip’s first year, became the go-to background character. If there was ever a seat to fill or a random person to place wandering around in the background, nine times out of ten it was Picard. While Picard has crossed paths with Irv he and Joe have never met. Perhaps they will some day but for now just can an eye on the background.
First Appearance - The Producers
Other Notable Appearances: I’m not telling you, that’s no fun. It’ like Where’s Waldo – go find him!
Ice Cream Sandwich – Delicious and… deadly? Usually when you see someone eating an Ice Cream sandwich, someone else is experiencing a substantial amount of pain. Still, how nice is an ice cream sandwich on a hot summer day?
First Appearance - Saw IV
Other Notable Appearances: Bee Movie, Run Fatboy Run, Saw V