Love crappy movies but are too ashamed to admit it? Are you a big Rob Schneider fan but you're tired of being burned? Not sure if you want to waste your money on the same old movie? That's why you have Joe.
Joe Loves Crappy Movies is by Joseph Dunn. Joe willingly goes to see the very worst that Hollywood has to offer. Whenever a crappy movie comes out Joe will be there to see it, make fun of it, and actually review it. Nothing is safe, and nothing is sacred. From the big budget action disasters to the low brow fart based comedies, to anything starring Martin Lawrence? Joe will tear it apart.
With each entry you'll get not only a comic poking fun at the movie, but also a detailed review. Joe's not educated in film or cinematography or acting, he's just a guy that draws comics and likes movies. So if you're looking for the everyman perspective and a little joke in comic form... you're in the right place.
The Pacifier
Released: 3/05/05
Viewed: 4:40pm 3/09/05
Starring: Vin Diesel, Britney Snow, Lauren Graham, Brad Garret
Directed by: Adam Shankman
At some point about 2 years ago, the new 20 million dollar Hollywood "It" boy turned his back on his action roots, on the big money of franchise movie making, for the family comedy. Hero to action fans everywhere abandoned his throne to reach out to the masses. It's somehow worse then the action god Schwarzenegger throwing it away to enter politics. I guess you have to follow your passion. But is The Pacifier anyone's passion?
Vin Diesel plays a government agent assigned to protect the family of a high profile government scientist. Big strong army guy enters the family environment, let the action, I mean comedy begin!
All the clich?s are there. The boy crazy teenage girl who refuses to follow the rules. The brooding teenage boy with a secret life. And out of no where - the baby craps in it's diaper, and Vin has to change it. What a "full house" dilemma he's gotten himself into! On Full house, at least there were three of them.
It plays out exactly as you would expect. Each child has a problem. As Vin struggles to adapt he helps the children understand and overcome the problem in his own special way. Teaching a girl scout troop martial arts so they could kick the ass of a boy scout troop. That's awesome. What's slightly less awesome is the idea of Vin directing a local art house production of the Sound of Music. Somebody thought this was a great idea.. It wasn't me.
The Pacifier hits the notes well enough. The screenplay is solid in that it actually uses existing story and references it later in the movie. The "peter panda dance" that Vin does to get one of the rascals to sleep is not just a dance. Later in the movie it's used to solve a very big puzzle. That's a nice bit of story telling, and it makes the entire dance a little less embarrassing. A little.
But key plot references like that, and a few solid laughs, are not enough to recommend this movie. And it's not because it's a kids movie at it's core. I like kids movies. And it's not because it's an unconventional role for Vin. There's some good explosions, and a fight scene in this movie that is better then ANY fight scene in Chronicles of Riddick. It's because it never takes off. They never win us over.
I'll be honest that I'm bummed over Vin's movie choices in the past two years. Passing on the sequels to XXX and Fast and the Furious broke my heart. Riddick story wise is great, and I hope it does well enough on DVD to continue with another chronicle, but it was a disappointing film over all. But look at the results. 2 Fast 2 Furious did well, but not as well as the original. XXX: State of the Union is slowly drowning in Star Wars And the pacifier out grossed both of them. Maybe Vin knows what he's doing. I'm sure he's sleeping fine on his pile of money and moderately priced hookers.
4.5 out of 10 I gotta give props to the structure of the story, and the interesting cast. Lauren Graham, Brad Garret, and Brittney Snow are all fun to watch here. Loves me some Gilmore Girls?
DVD worthy?: Only if I was consistently drunk.
No trailer hitch for this one, but I would like to point out that Vin's upcoming work includes a bio pic of Hannibal which he will star in? AND direct. Vin has directed two short films that got him his big brake, but sue me for being skeptical. Either way I'll be there opening night, because I'm a fan, and I'm rooting for him. I'm rooting for ya Vin. Don't crush my dreams.
Joe – The creator of the strip who has embraced giving crappy movies the chance they deserve. Like the majority of the cast he’s obsessed with boobs.
First Appearance - The Introduction
Yeo – Yeo is Joe’s wife and often the voice of reason in the strip. Having her act rational allows the rest of the cast to embrace being in a comic strip which primarily involves randomly punching people, interacting with fictional characters and talking about boobs. Yeo is smart, beautiful and way too good for Joe. Don’t tip her off.
First Appearance - Fever Pitch
Irv – Joe’s movie-going sidekick who’s always down for watching Jason Statham crescent moon kick some thug through a plate glass window and getting some drinks before after and during a Vin Diesel movie. Like the majority of the cast he’s obsessed with boobs.
First Appearance - Ong-Bak: The Thai Warrior
Agent 337 George Jones – A government Agent that took over for Joe after he was bad-mouthing President Bush in the V for Vendetta strip. George ran the show for over a month bring a much needed sense of patriotism and justice to both the strips and reviews. He eventually got too attached to his work, empathizing with Joe’s plight to give crappy movies a fair shake. In a way he came to love crappy movies as well and was pushed out of the position. He spiraled out of control and ended up in prison. His adventures will be told in the limited series JLCM Presents: 337 Locked Up which is set to début Christmas of 09.
First Appearance - V for Vendetta
Other Notable Appearances: Stay Alive, Ice age 2, Larry the Cable Guy: Health Inspector, Slither, Here Comes Guest week, Let’s Go To Prison
Leonidas – The former king of Sparta who has traveled into the future and is having trouble coping with the modern times. Yelling loudly and kicking people into giant holes doesn’t really work the same way it did in the olden days. As time as gone by he’s adjusted but it’s a safe bet that he’s always one bad message away from throwing a spear through someone.
First Appearance - 300
Other Notable Appearances: Four Brothers, Strip# 300, The Golden Compass, Rambo, Untraceable, The Ladies of Max Paybe
Palpatine – Former Senator, Emperor of the Galactic Empire, Sith Lord... He shows up in the Joe Loves Crappy movies galaxy on occasion to let people know that they’re being stupid. No one’s really sure how he shows up in this universe but chances are it breaks all kinds of copywrite laws.
First Appearance - Episode III: The Dark Side
Other Notable Appearances: Four Brothers, Night Watch, Saw 3, Are We Done Yet
Slow Billy – Billy is a sweet kid but he’s not the sharpest tool in the shed. If you’re watching him for the day be prepared to explain to him the plot of the movie or how popcorn works or, not so much where babies come from, but what babies are. He’s a complete moron.
First Appearance - Four Brothers
Other Notable Appearances: The Chronicles of Narnia, The Da Vinci Code, Vantage Point, Journey to the Center of the Earth
Kyle the Movie Snob – Be careful what fun facts about movies you tell your friends at a friendly gathering or in line for the latest blockbuster, because if you’re even slightly wrong, Kyle will be more than happy to let you know. He usually gets what’s coming to him though. Poor guy has cracked three ribs since joining the JLCM cast.
First Appearance - Ultraviolet
Other Notable Appearances: 16 Blocks, Pirates of the Caribbean: At World’s End, Transformers, Journey to the Center of the Earth
Jean-Luc Picard – Another lawsuit waiting to happen is Jean Luc Picard who, towards the end of the strip’s first year, became the go-to background character. If there was ever a seat to fill or a random person to place wandering around in the background, nine times out of ten it was Picard. While Picard has crossed paths with Irv he and Joe have never met. Perhaps they will some day but for now just can an eye on the background.
First Appearance - The Producers
Other Notable Appearances: I’m not telling you, that’s no fun. It’ like Where’s Waldo – go find him!
Ice Cream Sandwich – Delicious and… deadly? Usually when you see someone eating an Ice Cream sandwich, someone else is experiencing a substantial amount of pain. Still, how nice is an ice cream sandwich on a hot summer day?
First Appearance - Saw IV
Other Notable Appearances: Bee Movie, Run Fatboy Run, Saw V
