Love crappy movies but are too ashamed to admit it? Are you a big Rob Schneider fan but you're tired of being burned? Not sure if you want to waste your money on the same old movie? That's why you have Joe.
Joe Loves Crappy Movies is by Joseph Dunn. Joe willingly goes to see the very worst that Hollywood has to offer. Whenever a crappy movie comes out Joe will be there to see it, make fun of it, and actually review it. Nothing is safe, and nothing is sacred. From the big budget action disasters to the low brow fart based comedies, to anything starring Martin Lawrence? Joe will tear it apart.
With each entry you'll get not only a comic poking fun at the movie, but also a detailed review. Joe's not educated in film or cinematography or acting, he's just a guy that draws comics and likes movies. So if you're looking for the everyman perspective and a little joke in comic form... you're in the right place.
Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire
Released: 11/18/05
Viewed: 11:59pm 11/17/05
Starring: Daniel Radcliffe, Rupert Grint, Emma Watson, Robbie Coltrane, Maggie Smith, Alan Rickman, Gary Oldman, Michael Gambon, Ralph Fiennes, Brendan Gleason
Directed by: Mike Newell
Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire is like 3 movies in one. Part sports drama, part romantic comedy, and part "Ralph Fiennes is a bad ass". I mean sci-fi fantasy mystery. Each aspect works well and is intermingled well enough, surprisingly so since there was so much story to tell. With all that going for it, Goblet ranks high in the Potter films. It's not the best, I would even consider calling in a transitional film, but damned if I wasn't entertained.
Let me catch you up to speed. (Don't worry. Mild spoilers. Nothing you wouldn't learn in the first 15 minutes anyway) Hogwarts is hosting the tri-cup tournament where three schools come together to compete in a great competition. Three wizards, one from each school, are tested in three different events, to the winner goes a shiny cup and? I guess bragging rights. They never really discuss it. And no one really brags.
Harry is unable to participate due to age restrictions, yet somehow he is entered. Who did this becomes pretty obvious, but why ? not so much. Even if you think you've guessed it, in true Harry Potter style, they throw a spin on it. So don't try to crack the egg, let it hatch on it's own.
Harry is forced to compete with the three other chosen members, this is where all the action comes in. Two of the three events were really well done. Inventive, action packed, even a little frightening. But the third was a little blah. Lot's of possibilities but it just passes by quite quickly. It's used as a means to and end plot wise.
Even still the action is great, and the effects are still riding high from the last two movies. Although it would seem there were a lot fewer used here. Either that or they were less obviously used which is even better. It wasn't like I was constantly saying "Ok, that's a CG creature, how was that created??" Big monsters show up, and transformations happen, and it's all very natural.
Don't forget that the school is now filled with all these visiting students, including a school for young witches. So let the teenage hormones fly! About 40 minutes in this movie turns into Hogwarts: 90210. People start pairing off left and right and when the expected ones don't, it leads to some good old fashion Melrose style drama!
It's cute though. Harry has quite an obvious crush that they fumble around in a very 14-year-old way. But it's like ? Oh, Harry likes the cute Asian girl with the Irish accent? Everyone likes the cute Asian girl with the Irish accent. She's a cute Asian girl with an Irish accent, for Christ's sake! I only saw the movie an hour ago, and I'm already a member of her official fan club.
The romance stuff is fun, and I can imagine it read really well, but when Hagrid gets down with the giant lovin' I was ready for things to move on.
Ralph Fiennes is a complete and total bad ass, that much is true. When I heard he was cast, I was pleased. When he makes his entrance in this film, I wasn't so sure about the look they went with, but he owns it! He makes it all work, and totally embodies the ultimate idea of evil. He was so convincing that I wanted to kill Harry myself.
But he wasn't alone in being awesome. I loved Brendan Gleason as Madueye Moody. He's the first DatDA teacher that I would have liked to have in class. Seemed like a real decent guy who would be a lot of fun to have as a teacher.
The kids are all back and it's always interesting to see how much they've grown. Neville has got to be 6 foot 3. At least. Radcliffe is as good as usual. He definitely has embodied the role. Even though Harry's become a little more arrogant, and a little more sarcastic, Radcliffe still makes him relatable.
Harry potter isn't the first place you go looking for great acting (not that it's bad,, it's just not that sort of acting), but I was impressed with Emma Watson in a scene where she confronts Ron about possible feelings. It kind of took me off guard. Good stuff.
This is Michael Gambon's first challenge in the role of Dumbledore. Gambon had a couple of big scenes in Azkaban, after taking over for the late Richard Harris, but Goblet gives Dumbledore a lot to do. He's definitely got a presence, and I like his take on the character, but there is one thing that Harris did so well, that Gambon has never hit, in my eyes. I'll save that thought for the Azkaban review this weekend.
This is the first film that doesn't start with Harry at his aunt and uncles house. They aren't even mentioned. Things ended pretty badly between them in the 3rd movie, but I was still surprised to see no mention of them. Those that have read the book, where did Harry stay over the summer? There's a hint in Azkaban that he would stay with his Godfather Serious Black. Black is mentioned but it's not clear if that's where Harry was. I've got to admit, the curiosity to the finer details is starting to get to me. I may have to read one of these damn books at some point.
Even with all the stuff going on, I didn't feel same sense of urgency that was very much present in the past two movies. The pacing is fine, and tone shifts effortlessly from humor to drama to action, but there were only a couple of times where I was on the edge of my seat.
This movie was rumored to be the darkest of the lot. They say that every time, but so far it had been true. Not here though. Some moments in the challenges are pretty disturbing, and the moment right after the cup is won is pretty damn dark, but over all it was kind of tame. I think it was all the romance that sort of took away from the ever-present doom and gloom. Besides, you're not going to top the Dementors from the 3rd film.
Mike Newell Steps in as director, and he was good, but he didn't have close to the same amount of style as Alfonso Cuaron did in Azkaban. This movie felt safe by comparison.
I like the story better than the first two, but I felt it did lack in a few places. Even though so much does happen, it does feel like a transition story. Just something to set up future events. That's fine, I mean Empire was just set up for Jedi and that movie rocked. I just couldn't shake the feeling that this was just a taste of what's really going to happen. So be it.
7.5 out of 10 Really entertaining. I could have watched it progress for another 2 hours easily. It'll be interesting to see where they take it; I guess we'll find out in 2007.
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DVD worthy?:
For the die-hard fans ? definitely. For the casual fans it's a toss up. There's a lot of good stuff going on, but I feel like it didn't have the same urgent pacing as the others. I'm going to pick this one up I think. But there should be a letter writing campaign started to get a damn commentary on one of these movies.
If you liked this movie check out: ?
Recommending a movie from a Potter movie is impossible. There's so much going on that they're unique to themselves. The whole mythology of the Harry Potter world is so dense that if you're not thinking about Goblet when you walk out, you're thinking about one of the other three movies. My bet is you're thinking that Ron's hair is too long.
Trailer Hitch: Superman Returns
A nice little teaser for Superman Returns. It was all voice over and single shots of Superman and elements of the Superman world (the Kent mail box with a breathtaking sunset behind it. That sort of thing.), in posed inspirational hero shots. It's cool. It'll set of your geek boy radar. I gotta say I'm not convinced on Kate Bosworth as Lois Lane. I'll give her the benefit of the doubt and wait for the movie to pass final judgment, but the look seems off.
I also feel like I'm over this origin story. The Kents are good people ? I get it. They're going to have to have a whole new spin on things for me to really be interested. Otherwise his blue and red ass better be in Metropolis in under 20 minutes.
Superman was one of three trailers before Goblet that were for movies coming out in 2006. Superman is in the summer, as is Shyamalan's next thriller Lady in the Water starring Paul Giamatti. Plugging those this far in advance I can understand. Both are gonna be big, and 6 months isn't to far to build a little buzz.
The third was a movie called Happy Feat where Robin Williams plays like? a gay penguin or something. I don't know, I didn't get it, but at the end it said "November 2006". A year away. And the movie doesn't even look that good. I don't know, it seemed weird.
Voting today will get you a piece of Hermione's mind. Enjoy. I don't get the appeal of Hermione. I mean, Emma Watson is a very pretty girl but she's only 15. That's weird, you know? Give it a few years before you start freaking out.
And I do apologies for Goblet going up before Azkaban. There's been a bit of a time crunch lately and I didn't want to half ass the review. It'll be up over the weekend. Most likely Sunday afternoon, as tomorrow I'll be switching my focus to Walk the Line.
Joe – The creator of the strip who has embraced giving crappy movies the chance they deserve. Like the majority of the cast he’s obsessed with boobs.
First Appearance - The Introduction
Yeo – Yeo is Joe’s wife and often the voice of reason in the strip. Having her act rational allows the rest of the cast to embrace being in a comic strip which primarily involves randomly punching people, interacting with fictional characters and talking about boobs. Yeo is smart, beautiful and way too good for Joe. Don’t tip her off.
First Appearance - Fever Pitch
Irv – Joe’s movie-going sidekick who’s always down for watching Jason Statham crescent moon kick some thug through a plate glass window and getting some drinks before after and during a Vin Diesel movie. Like the majority of the cast he’s obsessed with boobs.
First Appearance - Ong-Bak: The Thai Warrior
Agent 337 George Jones – A government Agent that took over for Joe after he was bad-mouthing President Bush in the V for Vendetta strip. George ran the show for over a month bring a much needed sense of patriotism and justice to both the strips and reviews. He eventually got too attached to his work, empathizing with Joe’s plight to give crappy movies a fair shake. In a way he came to love crappy movies as well and was pushed out of the position. He spiraled out of control and ended up in prison. His adventures will be told in the limited series JLCM Presents: 337 Locked Up which is set to début Christmas of 09.
First Appearance - V for Vendetta
Other Notable Appearances: Stay Alive, Ice age 2, Larry the Cable Guy: Health Inspector, Slither, Here Comes Guest week, Let’s Go To Prison
Leonidas – The former king of Sparta who has traveled into the future and is having trouble coping with the modern times. Yelling loudly and kicking people into giant holes doesn’t really work the same way it did in the olden days. As time as gone by he’s adjusted but it’s a safe bet that he’s always one bad message away from throwing a spear through someone.
First Appearance - 300
Other Notable Appearances: Four Brothers, Strip# 300, The Golden Compass, Rambo, Untraceable, The Ladies of Max Paybe
Palpatine – Former Senator, Emperor of the Galactic Empire, Sith Lord... He shows up in the Joe Loves Crappy movies galaxy on occasion to let people know that they’re being stupid. No one’s really sure how he shows up in this universe but chances are it breaks all kinds of copywrite laws.
First Appearance - Episode III: The Dark Side
Other Notable Appearances: Four Brothers, Night Watch, Saw 3, Are We Done Yet
Slow Billy – Billy is a sweet kid but he’s not the sharpest tool in the shed. If you’re watching him for the day be prepared to explain to him the plot of the movie or how popcorn works or, not so much where babies come from, but what babies are. He’s a complete moron.
First Appearance - Four Brothers
Other Notable Appearances: The Chronicles of Narnia, The Da Vinci Code, Vantage Point, Journey to the Center of the Earth
Kyle the Movie Snob – Be careful what fun facts about movies you tell your friends at a friendly gathering or in line for the latest blockbuster, because if you’re even slightly wrong, Kyle will be more than happy to let you know. He usually gets what’s coming to him though. Poor guy has cracked three ribs since joining the JLCM cast.
First Appearance - Ultraviolet
Other Notable Appearances: 16 Blocks, Pirates of the Caribbean: At World’s End, Transformers, Journey to the Center of the Earth
Jean-Luc Picard – Another lawsuit waiting to happen is Jean Luc Picard who, towards the end of the strip’s first year, became the go-to background character. If there was ever a seat to fill or a random person to place wandering around in the background, nine times out of ten it was Picard. While Picard has crossed paths with Irv he and Joe have never met. Perhaps they will some day but for now just can an eye on the background.
First Appearance - The Producers
Other Notable Appearances: I’m not telling you, that’s no fun. It’ like Where’s Waldo – go find him!
Ice Cream Sandwich – Delicious and… deadly? Usually when you see someone eating an Ice Cream sandwich, someone else is experiencing a substantial amount of pain. Still, how nice is an ice cream sandwich on a hot summer day?
First Appearance - Saw IV
Other Notable Appearances: Bee Movie, Run Fatboy Run, Saw V