Love crappy movies but are too ashamed to admit it? Are you a big Rob Schneider fan but you're tired of being burned? Not sure if you want to waste your money on the same old movie? That's why you have Joe.
Joe Loves Crappy Movies is by Joseph Dunn. Joe willingly goes to see the very worst that Hollywood has to offer. Whenever a crappy movie comes out Joe will be there to see it, make fun of it, and actually review it. Nothing is safe, and nothing is sacred. From the big budget action disasters to the low brow fart based comedies, to anything starring Martin Lawrence? Joe will tear it apart.
With each entry you'll get not only a comic poking fun at the movie, but also a detailed review. Joe's not educated in film or cinematography or acting, he's just a guy that draws comics and likes movies. So if you're looking for the everyman perspective and a little joke in comic form... you're in the right place.
Hostage
Released: 3/18/05
Viewed: 12:45 pm 4/9/05
Starring: Bruce Willis, Kevin Pollack, Ben Foster
Directed by: Florent Emilio Siri
Where did this movie even come from? All of the sudden in late March Bruce Willis starts appearing on these talk shows. I'm, thinking ? "It's a little early for Sin City, but whatever." Then he starts talking about this other movie that's a good old fashion hostage story with surprise twists a great action. Ok Bruce? you've got my attention.
Really that's all it takes. Bruce Willis is great. He's got great instincts so pretty much anything he does deserves a quick look, especially with the buzz about this being "as close to a Die Hard movie you can get without it actually being Die Hard." I don't care who you are ? that's good buzz.
Admittedly I had my concerns. The movie centers around a hostage situation that is further complicated by? more hostages. I won't spoil it because it's an interesting idea, but that's all it is. An idea. I was afraid this was nothing more then a concept movie. Like Paparazzi or Cellular. Both these movies had great concepts but had the potential to be nothing more. (Both Cellular and Paparazzi are fantastic action fun though. Go. Rent. Now.) Hostage could easily fall flat under the pressure of "a nice set up."
I'm so glad to say the follow through is worth it. A superb story with somewhat predictable but still effective twists. There are ideas here both in the story telling and filmmaking that are very interesting, From camera angles to subtle special effects to an outstanding title sequence, the look and feel of this movie is a perfect match for the quick paced story.
The movie falters in the second act when it slows down a bit too much. You find yourself less interested in the power struggles (on both sides of the law), and more interested in getting Bruce in there to beat these punk kids up. Ben Fosters (Spacker Dave from the Punisher) performance as Mars is also way to over the top. They let him take it much further then they should have. He's effective for the most part. Frightening, distant, angry, even tortured. But in that second act he becomes whiney and TOO crazy. You wish he would die not because he's a bad dude, but because he's annoying.
At this point I was starting to give up on the movie. It slowed down just too much. Just when I thought it couldn't get any worse. Boom. Stuff just starts happening. Cool moment after cool moment. Stuff that you never would have imagined just starts going down. One after the other. Awesome. It was like being beaten up with cool action.
So would I recommend this movie? You bet your ass. It's just good fun. Sadly it will be out of theaters soon because the fans didn't come out for it. I blame bad publicity early on, and the title. Hostage as a tile is just too general. It's nothing.
7 out of 10
DVD worthy: Yes, I'll get this movie on DVD for sure. Some nice extras would be a plus, but a movie this fun deserves a spot on my shelf.
Joe – The creator of the strip who has embraced giving crappy movies the chance they deserve. Like the majority of the cast he’s obsessed with boobs.
First Appearance - The Introduction
Yeo – Yeo is Joe’s wife and often the voice of reason in the strip. Having her act rational allows the rest of the cast to embrace being in a comic strip which primarily involves randomly punching people, interacting with fictional characters and talking about boobs. Yeo is smart, beautiful and way too good for Joe. Don’t tip her off.
First Appearance - Fever Pitch
Irv – Joe’s movie-going sidekick who’s always down for watching Jason Statham crescent moon kick some thug through a plate glass window and getting some drinks before after and during a Vin Diesel movie. Like the majority of the cast he’s obsessed with boobs.
First Appearance - Ong-Bak: The Thai Warrior
Agent 337 George Jones – A government Agent that took over for Joe after he was bad-mouthing President Bush in the V for Vendetta strip. George ran the show for over a month bring a much needed sense of patriotism and justice to both the strips and reviews. He eventually got too attached to his work, empathizing with Joe’s plight to give crappy movies a fair shake. In a way he came to love crappy movies as well and was pushed out of the position. He spiraled out of control and ended up in prison. His adventures will be told in the limited series JLCM Presents: 337 Locked Up which is set to début Christmas of 09.
First Appearance - V for Vendetta
Other Notable Appearances: Stay Alive, Ice age 2, Larry the Cable Guy: Health Inspector, Slither, Here Comes Guest week, Let’s Go To Prison
Leonidas – The former king of Sparta who has traveled into the future and is having trouble coping with the modern times. Yelling loudly and kicking people into giant holes doesn’t really work the same way it did in the olden days. As time as gone by he’s adjusted but it’s a safe bet that he’s always one bad message away from throwing a spear through someone.
First Appearance - 300
Other Notable Appearances: Four Brothers, Strip# 300, The Golden Compass, Rambo, Untraceable, The Ladies of Max Paybe
Palpatine – Former Senator, Emperor of the Galactic Empire, Sith Lord... He shows up in the Joe Loves Crappy movies galaxy on occasion to let people know that they’re being stupid. No one’s really sure how he shows up in this universe but chances are it breaks all kinds of copywrite laws.
First Appearance - Episode III: The Dark Side
Other Notable Appearances: Four Brothers, Night Watch, Saw 3, Are We Done Yet
Slow Billy – Billy is a sweet kid but he’s not the sharpest tool in the shed. If you’re watching him for the day be prepared to explain to him the plot of the movie or how popcorn works or, not so much where babies come from, but what babies are. He’s a complete moron.
First Appearance - Four Brothers
Other Notable Appearances: The Chronicles of Narnia, The Da Vinci Code, Vantage Point, Journey to the Center of the Earth
Kyle the Movie Snob – Be careful what fun facts about movies you tell your friends at a friendly gathering or in line for the latest blockbuster, because if you’re even slightly wrong, Kyle will be more than happy to let you know. He usually gets what’s coming to him though. Poor guy has cracked three ribs since joining the JLCM cast.
First Appearance - Ultraviolet
Other Notable Appearances: 16 Blocks, Pirates of the Caribbean: At World’s End, Transformers, Journey to the Center of the Earth
Jean-Luc Picard – Another lawsuit waiting to happen is Jean Luc Picard who, towards the end of the strip’s first year, became the go-to background character. If there was ever a seat to fill or a random person to place wandering around in the background, nine times out of ten it was Picard. While Picard has crossed paths with Irv he and Joe have never met. Perhaps they will some day but for now just can an eye on the background.
First Appearance - The Producers
Other Notable Appearances: I’m not telling you, that’s no fun. It’ like Where’s Waldo – go find him!
Ice Cream Sandwich – Delicious and… deadly? Usually when you see someone eating an Ice Cream sandwich, someone else is experiencing a substantial amount of pain. Still, how nice is an ice cream sandwich on a hot summer day?
First Appearance - Saw IV
Other Notable Appearances: Bee Movie, Run Fatboy Run, Saw V
