Love crappy movies but are too ashamed to admit it? Are you a big Rob Schneider fan but you're tired of being burned? Not sure if you want to waste your money on the same old movie? That's why you have Joe.
Joe Loves Crappy Movies is by Joseph Dunn. Joe willingly goes to see the very worst that Hollywood has to offer. Whenever a crappy movie comes out Joe will be there to see it, make fun of it, and actually review it. Nothing is safe, and nothing is sacred. From the big budget action disasters to the low brow fart based comedies, to anything starring Martin Lawrence? Joe will tear it apart.
With each entry you'll get not only a comic poking fun at the movie, but also a detailed review. Joe's not educated in film or cinematography or acting, he's just a guy that draws comics and likes movies. So if you're looking for the everyman perspective and a little joke in comic form... you're in the right place.
This invite is legit. If you live in the north Jersey area and want to go see CRIMSON PEAK with me and are willing to say, “No, Joe. They don’t exist” 35 times in one night then let’s do it. Let’s go see Crimson Peak!
I like horror movies but I am for the most part a good old-fashioned scaredy cat. Even for movies that aren’t even that scary. There’s a movie called THE EYE starring Jessica Alba that creeped me out so much that I pulled my hoodie up over my head and tightened the strings so that it scrunched closed around my face. This is a PG-13 movie. Technically, the image of me, shoulders hunched, hoodie jammed around my nose, sitting alone in the theater, is a scarier image than anything you’ll see in that film.
The first RESIDENT EVIL, an action horror movie, spooked me so much in the opening scene that I remember thinking to myself, “There’s another 90 minutes of this!? How am I gonna make it through!?” I ended up really liking that movie. I remember the adrenaline rush leaving the theater. I have no idea if it holds up. It could be terrible. I was an idiot in the early 2000s.
Those are the tame ones though when it comes to movie experiences that have freaked me out. The two big, life-changing freak-outs came courtesy of INSIDIOUS and THE CELL. I’m not naïve. I know these are not especially scary movies. Leatherface throwing open the cellar doors… That hooded weirdo in THE STRANGERS just standing behind her. AHH! I get scary. But for whatever reason these are the ones that stuck.
THE CELL is the first movie I thought about walking out on because I couldn’t handle it. Not because it was bad but because it was just too gross. The hooks and the rings under the skin. (shudder) I couldn’t deal with it at the time. You have to understand, this is pre cable TV for me. Modern television has desensitized us all to the gruesomeness of scenes like this but at the time I could not deal with the pulling, ripping, stretched skin. Yikes.
With INSIDIOUS I can’t blame it on the naiveté of a young moviegoer. It just scared the hell out of me. My brother-in-law really wanted to see it and I love movies so I’m down for whatever. I instantly regretted it. It came out the same year I bought a house and had a baby and it’s a movie about a kid that’s haunted and the creepy old lady ghost that’s trying to take over his body. I thought about that movie every day for a year. Every time my son cried I was like, “This is it! She’s taking over!!!” I convinced myself that whenever I walked down the hall the old woman would cross my path from one of the bedrooms. I convinced myself that her crooked fingers would claw outside my window as they do in the opening scene of the film. I was a text book case of completely spooked.
It probably wasn’t as bad as I’m making it out to be but it’s no lie that I thought about that movie… about that character a lot.
Part of me expects the same from CRIMSON PEAK but knows logically that I can expect something MORE from writer/director Guillermo Del Toro. It’s foolish to think he’ll settle on cheap scares or even high concept freak-outs. Even if he does I can at least revel in the artistry of his monstrosities.
We’ll see. Game on. I’m going tonight. If you’re in, let me know.
Joe – The creator of the strip who has embraced giving crappy movies the chance they deserve. Like the majority of the cast he’s obsessed with boobs.
First Appearance - The Introduction
Yeo – Yeo is Joe’s wife and often the voice of reason in the strip. Having her act rational allows the rest of the cast to embrace being in a comic strip which primarily involves randomly punching people, interacting with fictional characters and talking about boobs. Yeo is smart, beautiful and way too good for Joe. Don’t tip her off.
First Appearance - Fever Pitch
Irv – Joe’s movie-going sidekick who’s always down for watching Jason Statham crescent moon kick some thug through a plate glass window and getting some drinks before after and during a Vin Diesel movie. Like the majority of the cast he’s obsessed with boobs.
First Appearance - Ong-Bak: The Thai Warrior
Agent 337 George Jones – A government Agent that took over for Joe after he was bad-mouthing President Bush in the V for Vendetta strip. George ran the show for over a month bring a much needed sense of patriotism and justice to both the strips and reviews. He eventually got too attached to his work, empathizing with Joe’s plight to give crappy movies a fair shake. In a way he came to love crappy movies as well and was pushed out of the position. He spiraled out of control and ended up in prison. His adventures will be told in the limited series JLCM Presents: 337 Locked Up which is set to début Christmas of 09.
First Appearance - V for Vendetta
Other Notable Appearances: Stay Alive, Ice age 2, Larry the Cable Guy: Health Inspector, Slither, Here Comes Guest week, Let’s Go To Prison
Leonidas – The former king of Sparta who has traveled into the future and is having trouble coping with the modern times. Yelling loudly and kicking people into giant holes doesn’t really work the same way it did in the olden days. As time as gone by he’s adjusted but it’s a safe bet that he’s always one bad message away from throwing a spear through someone.
First Appearance - 300
Other Notable Appearances: Four Brothers, Strip# 300, The Golden Compass, Rambo, Untraceable, The Ladies of Max Paybe
Palpatine – Former Senator, Emperor of the Galactic Empire, Sith Lord... He shows up in the Joe Loves Crappy movies galaxy on occasion to let people know that they’re being stupid. No one’s really sure how he shows up in this universe but chances are it breaks all kinds of copywrite laws.
First Appearance - Episode III: The Dark Side
Other Notable Appearances: Four Brothers, Night Watch, Saw 3, Are We Done Yet
Slow Billy – Billy is a sweet kid but he’s not the sharpest tool in the shed. If you’re watching him for the day be prepared to explain to him the plot of the movie or how popcorn works or, not so much where babies come from, but what babies are. He’s a complete moron.
First Appearance - Four Brothers
Other Notable Appearances: The Chronicles of Narnia, The Da Vinci Code, Vantage Point, Journey to the Center of the Earth
Kyle the Movie Snob – Be careful what fun facts about movies you tell your friends at a friendly gathering or in line for the latest blockbuster, because if you’re even slightly wrong, Kyle will be more than happy to let you know. He usually gets what’s coming to him though. Poor guy has cracked three ribs since joining the JLCM cast.
First Appearance - Ultraviolet
Other Notable Appearances: 16 Blocks, Pirates of the Caribbean: At World’s End, Transformers, Journey to the Center of the Earth
Jean-Luc Picard – Another lawsuit waiting to happen is Jean Luc Picard who, towards the end of the strip’s first year, became the go-to background character. If there was ever a seat to fill or a random person to place wandering around in the background, nine times out of ten it was Picard. While Picard has crossed paths with Irv he and Joe have never met. Perhaps they will some day but for now just can an eye on the background.
First Appearance - The Producers
Other Notable Appearances: I’m not telling you, that’s no fun. It’ like Where’s Waldo – go find him!
Ice Cream Sandwich – Delicious and… deadly? Usually when you see someone eating an Ice Cream sandwich, someone else is experiencing a substantial amount of pain. Still, how nice is an ice cream sandwich on a hot summer day?
First Appearance - Saw IV
Other Notable Appearances: Bee Movie, Run Fatboy Run, Saw V
