Released: 10/14/05

Viewed: 2:35pm 10/18/05

Starring: Tom Welling, Maggie Grace, Selma Blair

Directed by: Rupert Wainwright

This is a very special movie. It represents a certain kind of movie that does well at the box office for a specific reason. It's easy. The movie is literally easy to watch. It takes no effort at all to view and process the movie, which can be both good and bad. I'll admit that part of the reason I like crappy movies is because there's absolutely nothing invested in it. I can go in, give myself to it completely, and walk out 2 hours later the exact same person.

Going in to watch a movie like Fight Club or Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind, or even (to a lesser degree because I don't want to detract anything from the upcoming review) Elizabethtown, you walk out changed. Changed is the wrong word. You walk out affected. The experience stays with you, and when you're brushing you're teeth the next morning you're thinking about Brad Pitt lecturing you about you're fucking khakis.

These are the movies that affect the world, the movies that will be remembered forever. Unfortunately many of them become difficult to rewatch. For me anyway, I have so much invested in them already that revisiting them again can become an emotionally draining experience. Think about it, there's one movie you won't watch because it reminds you of that girl or that guy, or that year, or that summer. You love the movie but if it's ever on TV, you switch the channel.

It's a good thing. These movies are wonderful. Cherish them, and love them forever.

The Fog is not one of those movies. It's completely forgettable, designed specifically to entertain you for the exact running time of the film. You won't walk out saying "Oh my God I am so getting ?The Fog' tattooed on my ankle!" If anything the conversation will go a little like this. "Yo that guy gut stabbed in the face!" "So what was her deal?" "I'm not sure, where should we have dinner?" That's it. Then you'll go to dinner and talk about Desperate Housewives.

So I hated that it became number one. I was a big baby about it yesterday and I can't believe I didn't get crap about saying, "retard." I prejudged the film as bad based on trailers and commercials. I said I would see the movie (out of spite) and I would admit if I were wrong. Guess what?? I was.

I know! How messed up is that!? Ok, it's not THAT messed up, but still, the fact that the movie was watchable at all terrifies me. I'm completely out of touch. Here's the kicker though. I saw all three movies released this weekend (Domino, Elizabethtown, and The Fog), and of the three The Fog was the worst overall movie. Even though it was, it was probably the most enjoyable to watch strictly because of the reasons I talked about. It was pure entertainment for the sake of entertainment. I had nothing else invested with it. When I left The Fog I wasn't thinking about a dead bounty hunter or my relationship with my father. If anything I was just worried that I never once wanted to walk out.

None of this means it was good, only that it didn't suck. The first 40 minutes are good old-fashioned horror entertainment. There's a nice set up, and once the fog rolls in the movie does what few horror movies do, and it keeps the scares coming quickly and consistently for the remainder of those 40 minutes.

Most horror movies will have a frightening opening and then spend a lot of time teasing you. Barking dogs, loud horns, and people jumping into frame while whoever is scoring the movie makes the loudest noise known to man. There's plenty of that in The Fog but the difference is that for such a long time, they don't give you a chance to breathe. It's constantly coming at you and hitting you and you're just begging for a second to unclench your fists. Honestly, in a modern horror movie, that's awesome. It does not leave much room for plot, but is that why anyone is going to see this movie?

When the scares stop and the plot development begins, the movie slows down and you start to see the problems. Then you find out what's in the fog and you wonder why they're related to the fog at all. It's like dieing by chainsaw and associating yourself with a hammer. That would be a sweet movie?

Ok, seriously. The plot is interesting enough but not nearly as complicated as it should have been, and it was painfully predictable. Somewhere around the second flashback I had the big pieces in place. Everything except the big twisty twist tie they were saving for the very end. I won't spoil it but there's a reveal that they sort of allude to. You know something is going on, but honestly it could be anything. What it is, I'm perfectly fine with but the clues they left for it are completely ridiculous. How are we supposed to get 4 by adding 2 plus 2 plus 7? If they had planted the seeds correctly, it could have been sweet.

The worst part about the wrap up is the reason the Fog eventually vanishes. I won't spoil it but there are a number of things they could have done that would have been cool. They picked the crappy one.

I guess the priorities were elsewhere, and yes everyone did look very pretty running through the fog. Selma Blaire is rock star hot. Why don't more women over do it with the eye make-up anymore? Rebel Rebel, your face is a mess. Acting all around is fine. Welling and Grace make solid starring role debuts. I REALLY believed everyone was afraid of the weather.

The visual effects were hit and miss. The first time you see the fog crawling across the ocean is impressive. But there are other times where it looks like good old green screen fun. Most of the time it's forgivable, but I had a huge chip on my shoulder going into this movie so every mistake is a negative.

The movie becomes tiresome. People die in cool ways, but not cool enough. Stuff starts coming out of the fog and I rolled my eyes endlessly. There are a lot of strong elements throughout but in the end it's a dumb-downed, slick, extreme, Hollywood shocker that has as much quality substance as this sentence has clich?d buzzwords. If you're looking for instant gratification that you won't remember 2 hours later, by all means ? rock on. I'll say this much for the Fog: they get their monies worth out of that PG13 rating. There was a few times where I thought they had gone too far but they got the rating. And really, that accessibility is what got them the number 1 spot. 5 out of 10 Because it kept my attention and made me jump a few times. It won't make you afraid of the fog, but you'll have a legitimate excuse not to do the dishes anymore. Sorry, that's only funny if you saw the movie.

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DVD worthy?: No. I do look forward to watching it on TBS in the spring though.

If you liked this movie check out: Gothika

Gothika was Halle Berry's big attempt at horror last year, and I enjoyed it a lot. It was consistently creepy throughout and had enough twists and turns to keep me interested. It even had a great reveal at the end that mirrors The Fogs in a simple way, but Gothika handled it much better, leaving enough clues to keep you guessing, but not so many that you're able to solve the puzzle completely. It's a smart thriller that's much darker than the fog, definitely worth adding to your NetFlix que. Trailer Hitch: The Ice Harvest

If you read the strip regularly then you know I love John Cusack. You do too. There's no shame in it. The Ice Harvest re-teams him with Billy Bob Thorton who he worked with in the movie Pushing Tin. Tin was a great movie but got lost in the shuffle and was overshadowed by the birth of Thorton and fellow costar Angelina Jolie's budding relationship.

Tabloid fodder be dammed, this movie was great and one of the best parts was the on screen chemistry between Cusack and Thorton. They work great together. They're the buddy cops for the smarter set. So regardless of what the movies about, this was the first thing that jumped out at me. Thank god the plot looks interesting. Guns, crime, mobs, and Christmas, directed by Harold Ramis of all people. For those who don't know, he's Ego from the Ghostbuster movies, and he directed one of my favorite movies of all time, Groundhog Day. He also did the Analyze This franchise, which I'm not a fan of, but he was freaking EGON! Anyway, I'm looking forward to this one.

Thanks for reading. Cast your vote to see me as the fog. If it didn't look so complicated I would so make it my Halloween costume.