Love crappy movies but are too ashamed to admit it? Are you a big Rob Schneider fan but you're tired of being burned? Not sure if you want to waste your money on the same old movie? That's why you have Joe.
Joe Loves Crappy Movies is by Joseph Dunn. Joe willingly goes to see the very worst that Hollywood has to offer. Whenever a crappy movie comes out Joe will be there to see it, make fun of it, and actually review it. Nothing is safe, and nothing is sacred. From the big budget action disasters to the low brow fart based comedies, to anything starring Martin Lawrence? Joe will tear it apart.
With each entry you'll get not only a comic poking fun at the movie, but also a detailed review. Joe's not educated in film or cinematography or acting, he's just a guy that draws comics and likes movies. So if you're looking for the everyman perspective and a little joke in comic form... you're in the right place.
Reasons Why We Suck
The Fog? Are you kidding me? This is what it's come to? Real movies with real impact are laid to the side so we can watch Superboy and the hot girl from LOST fight? the weather. At least once a month we get a week where the worst possible thing released rises to the top and claims the honor. Two weeks before the month ends I feel confident granting that award the The Fog.
Is there some sort of appeal that I'm missing? It is a horror movie in a time when no others are out, but who out there is so hard up to be scared? Is the real world not terrifying enough for you? Ok, I'm kidding but let's look at the target groups.
Pre-teens on a first date - By all means, pay your matinee prices and scare that girl into some huggin'.
LOST and Smallville fans ? Either you're extreme fans, which is fine, even though Smallville blows now, or you're swayed by the superficial. Granted, Maggie Grace looks awesome in her sleepwear, but so do I, get over it. Are you really having trouble finding pictures of scantily clad women? Is your DSL down? Come on over, mine works fine.
Horror fans - Yeah right. No self-respecting horror fanatic would be caught dead at a crap remake of a crap movie. Why is the Fog frightening at all? Is your leaf blower broken? How about you go pick up a piece of paper and get to waving?
I wish I could blame it on the new trend of remaking movies, but when they succeed so well it becomes inevitable that more will surface. Remaking The Texas Chainsaw Massacre was blasphemous, but interesting. Remaking the popular but less classic Amityville Horror was a nice idea but poorly done. So some big wig decides to pass up everything else and go directly to The Fog? NO! What's worse is that right now he's being patted on the back and somewhere in the back of his mind he's itching to remake Teen Wolf as a horror movie. Forget how terrifying a fog can be, wait until this guy sees one of the broken hearted children of the 80's standing in his driveway at 2 am holding an aluminum bat and a bag full of nails. Oh, man that would make an awesome movie.
"You ruined my child hood with your crappy remakes? I'm gonna getcha!" copyright Joeisawesome studios 2005.
It's just sad that this keeps happening. I sat at my computer this morning, completely shocked and saddened that movies like Serenity, A History of Violence, and Elizabethtown are box office failures, while the latest regurgitated swill gets lapped up by the masses. And I realized, sitting there, that the damn 50 cent movie is probably going to be number one in a couple of weeks.
I know that I fuel the fire. I see the crap, I love it, and I promote it. I'm part of the machine that encourages the never-ending parade of mediocrity. I have no excuses for this, other than I have not seen The Fog yet. But you have changed my mind. I'm going to see this movie. Out of spite. And tomorrow I'm going to let you know exactly what I think about it.
God I hope it sucks.
If this is what you want, this is what you'll get. And if you want to let nose digging, prepubescent, trendy, wannabe, losers dictate what Hollywood produces, you go see it too. I for one will not pay. I'm using a free ticket that I got for seeing so many movies. This movie is not even worth buying a soda for.
Joe – The creator of the strip who has embraced giving crappy movies the chance they deserve. Like the majority of the cast he’s obsessed with boobs.
First Appearance - The Introduction
Yeo – Yeo is Joe’s wife and often the voice of reason in the strip. Having her act rational allows the rest of the cast to embrace being in a comic strip which primarily involves randomly punching people, interacting with fictional characters and talking about boobs. Yeo is smart, beautiful and way too good for Joe. Don’t tip her off.
First Appearance - Fever Pitch
Irv – Joe’s movie-going sidekick who’s always down for watching Jason Statham crescent moon kick some thug through a plate glass window and getting some drinks before after and during a Vin Diesel movie. Like the majority of the cast he’s obsessed with boobs.
First Appearance - Ong-Bak: The Thai Warrior
Agent 337 George Jones – A government Agent that took over for Joe after he was bad-mouthing President Bush in the V for Vendetta strip. George ran the show for over a month bring a much needed sense of patriotism and justice to both the strips and reviews. He eventually got too attached to his work, empathizing with Joe’s plight to give crappy movies a fair shake. In a way he came to love crappy movies as well and was pushed out of the position. He spiraled out of control and ended up in prison. His adventures will be told in the limited series JLCM Presents: 337 Locked Up which is set to début Christmas of 09.
First Appearance - V for Vendetta
Other Notable Appearances: Stay Alive, Ice age 2, Larry the Cable Guy: Health Inspector, Slither, Here Comes Guest week, Let’s Go To Prison
Leonidas – The former king of Sparta who has traveled into the future and is having trouble coping with the modern times. Yelling loudly and kicking people into giant holes doesn’t really work the same way it did in the olden days. As time as gone by he’s adjusted but it’s a safe bet that he’s always one bad message away from throwing a spear through someone.
First Appearance - 300
Other Notable Appearances: Four Brothers, Strip# 300, The Golden Compass, Rambo, Untraceable, The Ladies of Max Paybe
Palpatine – Former Senator, Emperor of the Galactic Empire, Sith Lord... He shows up in the Joe Loves Crappy movies galaxy on occasion to let people know that they’re being stupid. No one’s really sure how he shows up in this universe but chances are it breaks all kinds of copywrite laws.
First Appearance - Episode III: The Dark Side
Other Notable Appearances: Four Brothers, Night Watch, Saw 3, Are We Done Yet
Slow Billy – Billy is a sweet kid but he’s not the sharpest tool in the shed. If you’re watching him for the day be prepared to explain to him the plot of the movie or how popcorn works or, not so much where babies come from, but what babies are. He’s a complete moron.
First Appearance - Four Brothers
Other Notable Appearances: The Chronicles of Narnia, The Da Vinci Code, Vantage Point, Journey to the Center of the Earth
Kyle the Movie Snob – Be careful what fun facts about movies you tell your friends at a friendly gathering or in line for the latest blockbuster, because if you’re even slightly wrong, Kyle will be more than happy to let you know. He usually gets what’s coming to him though. Poor guy has cracked three ribs since joining the JLCM cast.
First Appearance - Ultraviolet
Other Notable Appearances: 16 Blocks, Pirates of the Caribbean: At World’s End, Transformers, Journey to the Center of the Earth
Jean-Luc Picard – Another lawsuit waiting to happen is Jean Luc Picard who, towards the end of the strip’s first year, became the go-to background character. If there was ever a seat to fill or a random person to place wandering around in the background, nine times out of ten it was Picard. While Picard has crossed paths with Irv he and Joe have never met. Perhaps they will some day but for now just can an eye on the background.
First Appearance - The Producers
Other Notable Appearances: I’m not telling you, that’s no fun. It’ like Where’s Waldo – go find him!
Ice Cream Sandwich – Delicious and… deadly? Usually when you see someone eating an Ice Cream sandwich, someone else is experiencing a substantial amount of pain. Still, how nice is an ice cream sandwich on a hot summer day?
First Appearance - Saw IV
Other Notable Appearances: Bee Movie, Run Fatboy Run, Saw V
