Love crappy movies but are too ashamed to admit it? Are you a big Rob Schneider fan but you're tired of being burned? Not sure if you want to waste your money on the same old movie? That's why you have Joe.
Joe Loves Crappy Movies is by Joseph Dunn. Joe willingly goes to see the very worst that Hollywood has to offer. Whenever a crappy movie comes out Joe will be there to see it, make fun of it, and actually review it. Nothing is safe, and nothing is sacred. From the big budget action disasters to the low brow fart based comedies, to anything starring Martin Lawrence? Joe will tear it apart.
With each entry you'll get not only a comic poking fun at the movie, but also a detailed review. Joe's not educated in film or cinematography or acting, he's just a guy that draws comics and likes movies. So if you're looking for the everyman perspective and a little joke in comic form... you're in the right place.
Cry_Wolf
Released: 9/09/05
Viewed: 2:45pm 9/15/05
Starring: Julian Morris, Lindy Booth, Jared Oadalecki, Jon Bon Jovi, Gary Cole
Directed by: Jeff Wadlow
This movie sucked.
I'm willing to give most movies the benefit of the doubt, and usually it works out ok. Did I ever expect to like
The Man? Hell no. Well,
Cry_Wolf jumped up and bit me right in the ass. It's poorly done, high concept garbage masquerading as a horror movie. Which, in theory, is fine. But if you're going to be a horror movie you've got to be scary.
When a mysterious bad boy (who, honestly, is only slightly more threatening than a paper clip) arrives in town he stumbles upon a pack of stuck-up rich kids playing a very dangerous game. It's innocent at first, but when the imaginative murders these young students described start coming true ? everything changes. And I started vomiting.
Ok, the premise is actually pretty cool. And questions arise like "Who's behind this?" "Is it one of the group?" "If so, why?" It's great in a movie when you start questioning all the characters. Because at one point you realize "I've only been introduced to 6 people and the killer has got to be one of them." Well, that's when it starts to suck.
Without ruining the ending ? it ends three times. A better explanation is that they try to twist it three different ways. I'm all for that, but you have to do it right. Unfortunately, they fumble their way through all of them and screw it up brilliantly. The first ending is disappointing and lame. Sort of obvious, even if the person you expected from the beginning isn't the killer. The second ending is horrible. With the "major" plot revelations, all the pieces of the puzzle final fit together. And the picture on the puzzle was a pile of dog crap.
The final twist of the bloated, drawn out ending was a pretty good one. Looking back at it, it was clever and smart and it all made sense. But at this point you're so upset by the other two endings that you've started reading the paper to see what's playing in the next theater that you can sneak into afterwards.
Look. The movie rolls along ok and is entertaining enough even though there's no action, no gore, no suspense, and no horror. To a certain point it's watchable. In the same way two cats fighting is watchable. It's fun for a while, but unless someone gets cut, it gets pretty boring.
Sad thing is that there's nothing wrong with the cast. New comer Julian Morris carries the movie fine. Lindy Booth is equally creepy and sexy. Can't go wrong with a red-head in a schoolgirl outfit. Bon Jovi (aside from being Bon Jovi) was natural on screen. But as non-offensive as they were, no one jumped out of the pack and made me interested.
Overall, it was very disappointing, even with it's inventive opening featuring a girl getting slain because the killer knows her cell number. AWESOME! But it's all down hill from there. 3 out of 10 It gets one point because the story is interesting enough. One point because Gary Cole (Office Space, Harvey Birdman, Wanted) is in it. And one point because Gary Cole does a British accent. Now that was awesome.
DVD worthy?: Go to hell.
If you liked this movie check out: Identity
I love the premise of Ten Little Indians. Somebody in the group did something. Everyone has a motive and no alibi. Identity put a nice little twist on that idea, and packed it with a rock solid cast. Cusack and Liotta in the same movie = awesome. I saw this movie with people that were able to see the ending coming a mile away, but I was shocked pretty much throughout. Rent it and give it a try. It's good old "mess with your head" fun.
There was a movie that came out this past spring called Mind Hunters with the same theme. I'm so upset that I missed it. It's out on DVD now, so when I find some time I'm going to rent it and devour it. Anyone who's seen it - let me know if I'm going to be wasting my time. Thanks.
Thanks for reading. Cast your vote and realize that everyone is a Bon Jovi fan at heart.
Edited for the web by Brandon J Carr.
Joe – The creator of the strip who has embraced giving crappy movies the chance they deserve. Like the majority of the cast he’s obsessed with boobs.
First Appearance - The Introduction
Yeo – Yeo is Joe’s wife and often the voice of reason in the strip. Having her act rational allows the rest of the cast to embrace being in a comic strip which primarily involves randomly punching people, interacting with fictional characters and talking about boobs. Yeo is smart, beautiful and way too good for Joe. Don’t tip her off.
First Appearance - Fever Pitch
Irv – Joe’s movie-going sidekick who’s always down for watching Jason Statham crescent moon kick some thug through a plate glass window and getting some drinks before after and during a Vin Diesel movie. Like the majority of the cast he’s obsessed with boobs.
First Appearance - Ong-Bak: The Thai Warrior
Agent 337 George Jones – A government Agent that took over for Joe after he was bad-mouthing President Bush in the V for Vendetta strip. George ran the show for over a month bring a much needed sense of patriotism and justice to both the strips and reviews. He eventually got too attached to his work, empathizing with Joe’s plight to give crappy movies a fair shake. In a way he came to love crappy movies as well and was pushed out of the position. He spiraled out of control and ended up in prison. His adventures will be told in the limited series JLCM Presents: 337 Locked Up which is set to début Christmas of 09.
First Appearance - V for Vendetta
Other Notable Appearances: Stay Alive, Ice age 2, Larry the Cable Guy: Health Inspector, Slither, Here Comes Guest week, Let’s Go To Prison
Leonidas – The former king of Sparta who has traveled into the future and is having trouble coping with the modern times. Yelling loudly and kicking people into giant holes doesn’t really work the same way it did in the olden days. As time as gone by he’s adjusted but it’s a safe bet that he’s always one bad message away from throwing a spear through someone.
First Appearance - 300
Other Notable Appearances: Four Brothers, Strip# 300, The Golden Compass, Rambo, Untraceable, The Ladies of Max Paybe
Palpatine – Former Senator, Emperor of the Galactic Empire, Sith Lord... He shows up in the Joe Loves Crappy movies galaxy on occasion to let people know that they’re being stupid. No one’s really sure how he shows up in this universe but chances are it breaks all kinds of copywrite laws.
First Appearance - Episode III: The Dark Side
Other Notable Appearances: Four Brothers, Night Watch, Saw 3, Are We Done Yet
Slow Billy – Billy is a sweet kid but he’s not the sharpest tool in the shed. If you’re watching him for the day be prepared to explain to him the plot of the movie or how popcorn works or, not so much where babies come from, but what babies are. He’s a complete moron.
First Appearance - Four Brothers
Other Notable Appearances: The Chronicles of Narnia, The Da Vinci Code, Vantage Point, Journey to the Center of the Earth
Kyle the Movie Snob – Be careful what fun facts about movies you tell your friends at a friendly gathering or in line for the latest blockbuster, because if you’re even slightly wrong, Kyle will be more than happy to let you know. He usually gets what’s coming to him though. Poor guy has cracked three ribs since joining the JLCM cast.
First Appearance - Ultraviolet
Other Notable Appearances: 16 Blocks, Pirates of the Caribbean: At World’s End, Transformers, Journey to the Center of the Earth
Jean-Luc Picard – Another lawsuit waiting to happen is Jean Luc Picard who, towards the end of the strip’s first year, became the go-to background character. If there was ever a seat to fill or a random person to place wandering around in the background, nine times out of ten it was Picard. While Picard has crossed paths with Irv he and Joe have never met. Perhaps they will some day but for now just can an eye on the background.
First Appearance - The Producers
Other Notable Appearances: I’m not telling you, that’s no fun. It’ like Where’s Waldo – go find him!
Ice Cream Sandwich – Delicious and… deadly? Usually when you see someone eating an Ice Cream sandwich, someone else is experiencing a substantial amount of pain. Still, how nice is an ice cream sandwich on a hot summer day?
First Appearance - Saw IV
Other Notable Appearances: Bee Movie, Run Fatboy Run, Saw V
