Love crappy movies but are too ashamed to admit it? Are you a big Rob Schneider fan but you're tired of being burned? Not sure if you want to waste your money on the same old movie? That's why you have Joe.
Joe Loves Crappy Movies is by Joseph Dunn. Joe willingly goes to see the very worst that Hollywood has to offer. Whenever a crappy movie comes out Joe will be there to see it, make fun of it, and actually review it. Nothing is safe, and nothing is sacred. From the big budget action disasters to the low brow fart based comedies, to anything starring Martin Lawrence? Joe will tear it apart.
With each entry you'll get not only a comic poking fun at the movie, but also a detailed review. Joe's not educated in film or cinematography or acting, he's just a guy that draws comics and likes movies. So if you're looking for the everyman perspective and a little joke in comic form... you're in the right place.
The Man
Released: 9/9/05
Viewed: 5:05pm 9/9/05
Starring: Samuel L. Jackson, Eugene Levy, Luke Goss
Directed by: Les Mayfield
So last week I spent the time it would take to make a good sandwich ragging on The Man. I figured it doesn't deserve MUCH time, and not having a sandwich isn't going to kill me. But my feelings on this movie were pretty basic: It's the worst trailer I've seen this year. Sam Jackson has made a bad move with this one. Eugene Levy is funny in doses, but I don't have confidence that the same magic can last for 90 minutes. It's clich?, it's garbage, and America will eat it up.
Well the weekend brought a few surprises. America did not eat it up. You all went to see Exorcism: The story of Emily Rose. Who knew that moviegoers craved a smart horror film? Good going. And I was also surprised to find out that The Man wasn't completely worthless.
Ok ok ok? calm down. A) I love crap, and B) it wasn't a great movie. I wouldn't even call it good. But it wasn't boring, and it wasn't stupid. Honestly, in the dumping ground of crap movies that September usually is, that's saying a lot.
The Man pits Levy's nervous suburbanite against Jackson's street-smart cop. They are unwittingly forced to work together to bring down some weapon traffickers. It's a decent story with some ok set up, but not nearly enough follow through. They plant the seeds that either Jackson or Levy may be crooked. Running with that would have brought some nice tension to the last 3rd of the movie. It would have flat out just made it better. Anytime you can introduce subtle layers like that, everything gets more interesting.
Instead, they just play it safe. You know exactly what's going on, the entire time. No twists, no turns, nothing special. It's sad, but it makes a difference.
Performances are good. Levy wasn't nearly as annoying as I thought he might be. He was jittery, and frantic, but it was actually funny, and it didn't get old. Now, it's not laugh out loud funny, but it's entertaining. Jackson is actually given the chance to act like a bad ass. He rips stuff out of cars, he fast-talks his way out of situations, and he rapes a man with the front of his car. Twice. It's funny.
Letting them do what they do best is what I'm sure got this movie green lit. But it's just not enough. Slow story. Not big enough laughs. The movie would have at least had a little character if Levy was the bad ass cop, and Jackson was the nervous stuck up guy. Crap, that would have sucked HARD.
Ok?5 out of 10. Wait to rent it, or if you can watch it for a dollar, it's a nice night out. But for the caliber of movies these guys are usually in, it's a step back.
DVD worthy?: No, but I feel like it's a movie I could have on as background noise. I listen to a lot of movies while I'm working and this one would be entertaining enough and not distracting at the same time. There's no way I would pay more then 4.99 for it, but 4.99? Come on. If I bought From Justin to Kelly for 5 bucks, I would buy The Man for 5 bucks.
If you liked this movie check out: National Security
The beautiful thing about watching National Security, if you liked The Man, is that both are equally mediocre movies. There's next to nothing special about them, but both are mildly entertaining and inoffensive. I decided on National Security because it picks up a few other themes beyond mediocrity. It is a buddy film that features a self proclaimed badass black dude, (Martin Lawrence) and a nervous twitchy white guy (Steve Zahn). It's based around police business, and working together to flush out the bad guy.
On the plus side it actually deals with plot and action a hell of a lot better then The Man does. There's actually a story, and the shoot out's are entertaining. Adding Eric Roberts into the mix was an awesome move as well. Unfortunately you have to put up with crack-head era Lawrence. Still, it's not completely useless, and it's TBS all the time anyway.
You faithful readers have voted JLCM right into the top 3. I'm not sure how long it can be held, but you guys rock. I'm speechless. Today's incentive is my take on The Man as a non-stereotype. A little fun with role reversal. Awesome!
The Secret Tales of Super Hero Virginity. will continue tomorrow, and every weekday for the rest of the month. So keep up the phenomenalvoting.
A quick shout out today to one of the guys that has been supporting JLCM since day one. He's supported it so much that he's even been in one, and done one. His name is Brandon J. Carr, and you can check out his web comic The Kenmore through this link.
It's a brilliant young strip about an insane apartment building. Anyone with a creepy roommate that never gets off line, or a creepy basement where you're forced to do your laundry, or a creepy egg guy that runs around the halls, can relate to this brilliant comic. Check it out, and if you like what you see, show some love.
And if you're bored today swing by my Live Journal. Whenever I update the comic I usually post there and talk more about the comic and inspiration, and how some weird guy stared at me on the train today. Stuff like that.
Lastly, there is an event going on right now called The Web Comic Hurricane Relief Telethon where web comic creators are banding together to help raise money for those effected by hurricane Katrina. Here is a direct link to 2 of the three strips I contributed, but please check out the site and all the comics there. And please give what you can to help those in need.
Thanks guys. Be safe.
Joe – The creator of the strip who has embraced giving crappy movies the chance they deserve. Like the majority of the cast he’s obsessed with boobs.
First Appearance - The Introduction
Yeo – Yeo is Joe’s wife and often the voice of reason in the strip. Having her act rational allows the rest of the cast to embrace being in a comic strip which primarily involves randomly punching people, interacting with fictional characters and talking about boobs. Yeo is smart, beautiful and way too good for Joe. Don’t tip her off.
First Appearance - Fever Pitch
Irv – Joe’s movie-going sidekick who’s always down for watching Jason Statham crescent moon kick some thug through a plate glass window and getting some drinks before after and during a Vin Diesel movie. Like the majority of the cast he’s obsessed with boobs.
First Appearance - Ong-Bak: The Thai Warrior
Agent 337 George Jones – A government Agent that took over for Joe after he was bad-mouthing President Bush in the V for Vendetta strip. George ran the show for over a month bring a much needed sense of patriotism and justice to both the strips and reviews. He eventually got too attached to his work, empathizing with Joe’s plight to give crappy movies a fair shake. In a way he came to love crappy movies as well and was pushed out of the position. He spiraled out of control and ended up in prison. His adventures will be told in the limited series JLCM Presents: 337 Locked Up which is set to début Christmas of 09.
First Appearance - V for Vendetta
Other Notable Appearances: Stay Alive, Ice age 2, Larry the Cable Guy: Health Inspector, Slither, Here Comes Guest week, Let’s Go To Prison
Leonidas – The former king of Sparta who has traveled into the future and is having trouble coping with the modern times. Yelling loudly and kicking people into giant holes doesn’t really work the same way it did in the olden days. As time as gone by he’s adjusted but it’s a safe bet that he’s always one bad message away from throwing a spear through someone.
First Appearance - 300
Other Notable Appearances: Four Brothers, Strip# 300, The Golden Compass, Rambo, Untraceable, The Ladies of Max Paybe
Palpatine – Former Senator, Emperor of the Galactic Empire, Sith Lord... He shows up in the Joe Loves Crappy movies galaxy on occasion to let people know that they’re being stupid. No one’s really sure how he shows up in this universe but chances are it breaks all kinds of copywrite laws.
First Appearance - Episode III: The Dark Side
Other Notable Appearances: Four Brothers, Night Watch, Saw 3, Are We Done Yet
Slow Billy – Billy is a sweet kid but he’s not the sharpest tool in the shed. If you’re watching him for the day be prepared to explain to him the plot of the movie or how popcorn works or, not so much where babies come from, but what babies are. He’s a complete moron.
First Appearance - Four Brothers
Other Notable Appearances: The Chronicles of Narnia, The Da Vinci Code, Vantage Point, Journey to the Center of the Earth
Kyle the Movie Snob – Be careful what fun facts about movies you tell your friends at a friendly gathering or in line for the latest blockbuster, because if you’re even slightly wrong, Kyle will be more than happy to let you know. He usually gets what’s coming to him though. Poor guy has cracked three ribs since joining the JLCM cast.
First Appearance - Ultraviolet
Other Notable Appearances: 16 Blocks, Pirates of the Caribbean: At World’s End, Transformers, Journey to the Center of the Earth
Jean-Luc Picard – Another lawsuit waiting to happen is Jean Luc Picard who, towards the end of the strip’s first year, became the go-to background character. If there was ever a seat to fill or a random person to place wandering around in the background, nine times out of ten it was Picard. While Picard has crossed paths with Irv he and Joe have never met. Perhaps they will some day but for now just can an eye on the background.
First Appearance - The Producers
Other Notable Appearances: I’m not telling you, that’s no fun. It’ like Where’s Waldo – go find him!
Ice Cream Sandwich – Delicious and… deadly? Usually when you see someone eating an Ice Cream sandwich, someone else is experiencing a substantial amount of pain. Still, how nice is an ice cream sandwich on a hot summer day?
First Appearance - Saw IV
Other Notable Appearances: Bee Movie, Run Fatboy Run, Saw V
