Love crappy movies but are too ashamed to admit it? Are you a big Rob Schneider fan but you're tired of being burned? Not sure if you want to waste your money on the same old movie? That's why you have Joe.
Joe Loves Crappy Movies is by Joseph Dunn. Joe willingly goes to see the very worst that Hollywood has to offer. Whenever a crappy movie comes out Joe will be there to see it, make fun of it, and actually review it. Nothing is safe, and nothing is sacred. From the big budget action disasters to the low brow fart based comedies, to anything starring Martin Lawrence? Joe will tear it apart.
With each entry you'll get not only a comic poking fun at the movie, but also a detailed review. Joe's not educated in film or cinematography or acting, he's just a guy that draws comics and likes movies. So if you're looking for the everyman perspective and a little joke in comic form... you're in the right place.
Rob and Elliot: the Movie
Released: 8/15/05
Viewed: 3:40pm 9/2/05
Starring: Jean-Claude Van Damme, Steven Seagal, Chunk Norris
Directed by: Ang Lee
Rob and Elliot: the Movie. Wow. Just? wow. Awful. Worst pile of garbage I've seen this year. I once saw a naked hobo get a tongue bath from a pack of wild cats on my fire escape. That was easier to watch the Rob and Elliot the movie.
Director Ang Lee fumbled the production of this so thoroughly and so completely that it's beyond comprehension. I can't figure out why because the source material is so good! The characters and their adventures are based on the widely popular Rob and Elliot comic, which is wild and popular for a reason. Because it's so damn good. How do you take something that good and make something so bad?
I was with them up to a point. The army of androids from Neptune that were fuelled by hippopotamus skulls was pretty bad ass. When the helicopter crashes through the window of the bigger helicopter and lands on the blades of the smaller helicopter inside the larger helicopter? flawless. But then Seagal would open his mouth and you would remember why the last movie he made was with Ja Rule.
But really, that's not so bad. At least we can understand what he's saying. I'm not convinced Van Damme speaks one word of English through the entire movie. And he's got three monologues. One I think was about the dangers of household appliances and children. ?I Think. Will someone please dub this guy for the DVD. Hell, I'll do it. Just gimmie twenty minutes and an English translation of whatever the hell he was saying.
And do we really need that many ass shots? He's old. It's not the ass it once was.
Speaking of wrong kinds of ass shots, there were no women in this movie. Not one. How do you even get away with something like that in cinema today? Shockingly though, the movie was not lacking sexual tension. There's an eerie feeling that at any second Rob and Elliot are just going to start making out with each other. Or their guns. Or one of the helicopters. Honestly I would have welcomed it. It would have resembled some sort of plot.
The only passable element of this film is Chuck Norris. He's fantastic. This movie will do to his career what Pulp Fiction did for Travolta. Soon he'll be making crappy dramas, and fly air planes too. There are moments in the film where I would forget he wasn't a monkey. Then he would drop kick someone, or put on a cowboy hat, or tell a young Haley Joel Osment that he had AIDS, and I'd be like "Oh yeaaaah?"
Sadly, that's hardly enough for me to recommend this movie. 2 out of 10. The fight on the tight rope, and the time travelers with the dinosaurs where both well executed and unexpected surprises. But it was just a series of action sequences loosely strung together with a clumsy half hearted plot. Like Charlie's Angels: Full Throttle but with no hot chicks.
DVD worthy?: No way. This movie would suck even drunk. I'll just get drunk and read the comics. In fact forget the comics and the casino.
Trailer Hitch: Beaver and Steve: the Movie
There's been a pant load of movies being made from comics in the last few years. Can you believe they're making Ant-man the movie. Shudder. But no movie is as anticipated as Beaver and Steve. The cult classic from London was actually filmed last year when two 8 year olds got a camera, trapped a squirrel, and started to bring their favorite comic to life. How they got Danny DeVito to play Steve, I'll never know. But boy oh boy am I grateful.
Fortunately the trailer was spoiler free. Just enough to spark your interest but no plot is given away. There seems to be some sort of atomic train derailment. I have no idea how that comes about, but I can't freakin' wait!
Today's vote incentive is of the great Rob and Elliot. Not the soiled movie versions, but the epic comic versions we have all grown to love. After casting your vote go over to read Rob and Elliot the comic and see how good comics are done.
Don't forget the incentive special JLCM has going on all month long. Secret Tales of Super Hero Virginity Simply cast your vote every weekday to see a new comic book hero awkwardly discussing why they never got any. It's uncomforting good fun for everyone!
Joe – The creator of the strip who has embraced giving crappy movies the chance they deserve. Like the majority of the cast he’s obsessed with boobs.
First Appearance - The Introduction
Yeo – Yeo is Joe’s wife and often the voice of reason in the strip. Having her act rational allows the rest of the cast to embrace being in a comic strip which primarily involves randomly punching people, interacting with fictional characters and talking about boobs. Yeo is smart, beautiful and way too good for Joe. Don’t tip her off.
First Appearance - Fever Pitch
Irv – Joe’s movie-going sidekick who’s always down for watching Jason Statham crescent moon kick some thug through a plate glass window and getting some drinks before after and during a Vin Diesel movie. Like the majority of the cast he’s obsessed with boobs.
First Appearance - Ong-Bak: The Thai Warrior
Agent 337 George Jones – A government Agent that took over for Joe after he was bad-mouthing President Bush in the V for Vendetta strip. George ran the show for over a month bring a much needed sense of patriotism and justice to both the strips and reviews. He eventually got too attached to his work, empathizing with Joe’s plight to give crappy movies a fair shake. In a way he came to love crappy movies as well and was pushed out of the position. He spiraled out of control and ended up in prison. His adventures will be told in the limited series JLCM Presents: 337 Locked Up which is set to début Christmas of 09.
First Appearance - V for Vendetta
Other Notable Appearances: Stay Alive, Ice age 2, Larry the Cable Guy: Health Inspector, Slither, Here Comes Guest week, Let’s Go To Prison
Leonidas – The former king of Sparta who has traveled into the future and is having trouble coping with the modern times. Yelling loudly and kicking people into giant holes doesn’t really work the same way it did in the olden days. As time as gone by he’s adjusted but it’s a safe bet that he’s always one bad message away from throwing a spear through someone.
First Appearance - 300
Other Notable Appearances: Four Brothers, Strip# 300, The Golden Compass, Rambo, Untraceable, The Ladies of Max Paybe
Palpatine – Former Senator, Emperor of the Galactic Empire, Sith Lord... He shows up in the Joe Loves Crappy movies galaxy on occasion to let people know that they’re being stupid. No one’s really sure how he shows up in this universe but chances are it breaks all kinds of copywrite laws.
First Appearance - Episode III: The Dark Side
Other Notable Appearances: Four Brothers, Night Watch, Saw 3, Are We Done Yet
Slow Billy – Billy is a sweet kid but he’s not the sharpest tool in the shed. If you’re watching him for the day be prepared to explain to him the plot of the movie or how popcorn works or, not so much where babies come from, but what babies are. He’s a complete moron.
First Appearance - Four Brothers
Other Notable Appearances: The Chronicles of Narnia, The Da Vinci Code, Vantage Point, Journey to the Center of the Earth
Kyle the Movie Snob – Be careful what fun facts about movies you tell your friends at a friendly gathering or in line for the latest blockbuster, because if you’re even slightly wrong, Kyle will be more than happy to let you know. He usually gets what’s coming to him though. Poor guy has cracked three ribs since joining the JLCM cast.
First Appearance - Ultraviolet
Other Notable Appearances: 16 Blocks, Pirates of the Caribbean: At World’s End, Transformers, Journey to the Center of the Earth
Jean-Luc Picard – Another lawsuit waiting to happen is Jean Luc Picard who, towards the end of the strip’s first year, became the go-to background character. If there was ever a seat to fill or a random person to place wandering around in the background, nine times out of ten it was Picard. While Picard has crossed paths with Irv he and Joe have never met. Perhaps they will some day but for now just can an eye on the background.
First Appearance - The Producers
Other Notable Appearances: I’m not telling you, that’s no fun. It’ like Where’s Waldo – go find him!
Ice Cream Sandwich – Delicious and… deadly? Usually when you see someone eating an Ice Cream sandwich, someone else is experiencing a substantial amount of pain. Still, how nice is an ice cream sandwich on a hot summer day?
First Appearance - Saw IV
Other Notable Appearances: Bee Movie, Run Fatboy Run, Saw V
