Love crappy movies but are too ashamed to admit it? Are you a big Rob Schneider fan but you're tired of being burned? Not sure if you want to waste your money on the same old movie? That's why you have Joe.
Joe Loves Crappy Movies is by Joseph Dunn. Joe willingly goes to see the very worst that Hollywood has to offer. Whenever a crappy movie comes out Joe will be there to see it, make fun of it, and actually review it. Nothing is safe, and nothing is sacred. From the big budget action disasters to the low brow fart based comedies, to anything starring Martin Lawrence? Joe will tear it apart.
With each entry you'll get not only a comic poking fun at the movie, but also a detailed review. Joe's not educated in film or cinematography or acting, he's just a guy that draws comics and likes movies. So if you're looking for the everyman perspective and a little joke in comic form... you're in the right place.
Terminator Salvation
Starring: Christian Bale, Sam Worthington, Moon Bloodgood, Helena Bonham Carter, Anton Yelchin, Jadagrace, Bryce Dallas Howard, Common Michael Ironside
Directed by: McG
Warner Brothers Pictures
The Official Site of Terminator Salvation
Discuss Terminator Salvation on the boards!
There are a lot of folks out there that are against the continuation of the Terminator franchise. Especially in the hands of anyone other than James Cameron who created and directed the first two installments, Terminator and T2: Judgment Day. I can sympathize with that but I’ve always been curious to see some expansion on the unique vision of the world after Judgment Day where machines have taken over and humans have to band together and fight back. Of course… I also wanted to see the origins of Darth Vader and we all know how that worked out.
As with the other films, Salvation focuses on a potential time paradox in the death of a prophesized hero and/or one of his parents. To everyone that’s showing up three movies late, that hero is John Conner, played stiffly here by Christian Bale who either had trouble finding the soul of the icon or was too busy dodging explosions and loud-whispering to robots to actually have his vision translate. John will eventually become the leader of the Resistance and save the world from Artificial Intelligence but to do so he has to make sure that his father, Kyle Reese, who’s not his father yet (John will eventually send Reese back in time to save his mother from a time traveling Terminator. Don’t try to over think it. This whole franchise has huge “chicken or the egg” issues.) survives a new threat.
That threat isn’t worth spoiling but I will say that it involves a mysterious new figure named Marcus who has a secret and has to prove himself to a speculative Resistance and audience. Sam Worthington plays Marcus and is good. Good enough that between this and another starring role in James Cameron’s Avatar he should be the “it” guy in no time. Hell, the native Australian will probably have an offer to play Captain America by the end of the year. To me he felt like an icon being forced on the audience. This franchise already has heroes in John, Reese and Sarah Conner (represented well in Salvation if only via dusty old tape recordings) but they’re reduced to incompetents so that Marcus can swoop in and save the day. I’m all for introducing a new tough guy for fans to embrace by why does he have to save John’s life like six times or be the one to teach Reese how to become a man? His character was written to steal the show, to be so awesome that we couldn’t deny our love for him. I think I would have appreciated him more if he’d been written as a real person instead.
The cast as a whole isn’t especially exciting. Bryce Dallas Howard gets to read exposition and widen her eyes while Moon Bloodgood is effective only in showing us that teeth whitening and conditioner are still booming industries post-Judgement Day. The only performance that was consistently impressive was Anton Yelchin’s who plays a young Reese. Under the inexperience you can see the soldier. In watching him stand up to aggressors or compassionately calm down a group of frightened prisoners you can make out the man that would eventually go back in time to save Sarah Conner.
Terminator Salvation is told on an epic scale - as it should be. Where the first three films were more intimate adventures, focusing on one villain mercilessly hunting down its targets, this new era should introduce us to the post-Judgment Day wasteland where armies of evil robots unleash hell on mankind. Completely worthy of the occasional green screen and bloated casting call.
Part of that scale includes the special effects. Visually, Salvation is outstanding. Giant robots and swirling clouds of nuclear smoke all look incredible on the big screen with only a handful of obvious tricks that worked out as well as Wolverine’s claws in the bathroom. I was equally impressed with the spectacular sound design. Gigantic harvester droids, when letting out an electronic pulse from their cannons, would emit this uniquely horrifying noise that sounded like a lightsaber stuck in a tuba. I found myself impressed throughout by little unexpected choices like these.
I wish they’d have shoved the characters in that tuba as well. While it’s fascinating to see the franchise evolve in a new direction with beautiful visuals and some cool new faces, the motivations, characters and structure all feel rushed, empty and dumb. This definitely ain’t your daddy’s Terminator.
Rating: 5 out of 10 - There’s a point in the film, let’s call it the escape sequence, where things take a nasty turn. Not in a sense where they make a poor choice with the plot but more in a sense that you’re watching a bunch of people just going through the motions. Motivations were defined but not well and from there on out the movie becomes about recovering. How can they make this better so that we can just forget about the rocky 20 minutes in the middle?
Well, they give it the old college try. As soon as Skynet explains their master plan and the reveal of the T-800 is made there’s a lot to love about this film. (I’m dancing around spoilers.) Ultimately though it wasn’t enough.
It’s an unenthusiastic “Yes”. It comes down to this – I love these characters and I love watching them on their journey to stop the robots. Is it perfect? Not even close, but it has its moments and I may actually come to appreciate it after few times through.
Sherlock Holmes - My first reaction to the trailer of the latest Guy Ritchie film Sherlock Holmes, based on the classic character created by Arthur Conan Doyle, was, “Is anyone else getting an LXG vibe?”
There’s something about the historical setting told with a modern flare that reminds me of that failed adaptation. It really is completely different. That modern flare is coming from Ritchie who brings a lot of style, humor and slow motion, bare-chested, boxing along with it.
Ritchie has definitely had some missteps since the one-two punch of Lock Stock and Snatch but I tend to trust his instincts… just not expect a masterpiece. He’s surrounded himself with the right people at least. Downey Jr. is on fire and I think casting the leading man pretty boy (Jude Law) as the sidekick Watson is a stroke of genius. Even without that I would still show up for Mark Strong who made a big impression on me this past year in Body of Lies and RocknRolla. He’s the best working villain in cinema and I’d expect the same even in a centuries old story.
The set-up was originally, “Why are there no BLACK Terminators?” but I felt like with the punch line being Hitler working on the first Terminator that I had to cast a wider blanket of blind hatred. I like it being specific to “black” though because I believe that we will get a black Terminator sooner than we think… (Mild speculative spoilers for T4 bellow.)
You may remember from T4 Common’s character mentioning his brother, a character that dies in the films opening action sequence. It’s my belief that that character is Captain Jericho played by Terry Crews. Jericho only appears in one scene and when we meet up with him he’s already dead, laying outside a Research and Development base for Skynet. Terry Crews is too big of a name (you may not recognize the name but you’ve seen him before) to play “random dead guy”.
I think he’ll be the next host that Skynet gives the Terminator treatment and I think he’s a great candidate. I’m a huge fan of Crews and have called him here, “one of the funniest people on the planet”. He also happens to be a gigantic, muscle-bound badass who would easily be able to pull off the icy stare and menacing presence of a Conner-tossing force of evil. I can’t wait.
It is 9:09 am and I’m off to catch an early screening of The Brothers Bloom, a film that I have put off long enough. There are some big releases this weekend though and they’re all worthy of your time. Unfortunately I’ve only had time to commit the Internet my first reaction to one of the big three. Read my unexpected pleasure with Land of the Lost here. Okay. I’m out the door. More soon!
Joe – The creator of the strip who has embraced giving crappy movies the chance they deserve. Like the majority of the cast he’s obsessed with boobs.
First Appearance - The Introduction
Yeo – Yeo is Joe’s wife and often the voice of reason in the strip. Having her act rational allows the rest of the cast to embrace being in a comic strip which primarily involves randomly punching people, interacting with fictional characters and talking about boobs. Yeo is smart, beautiful and way too good for Joe. Don’t tip her off.
First Appearance - Fever Pitch
Irv – Joe’s movie-going sidekick who’s always down for watching Jason Statham crescent moon kick some thug through a plate glass window and getting some drinks before after and during a Vin Diesel movie. Like the majority of the cast he’s obsessed with boobs.
First Appearance - Ong-Bak: The Thai Warrior
Agent 337 George Jones – A government Agent that took over for Joe after he was bad-mouthing President Bush in the V for Vendetta strip. George ran the show for over a month bring a much needed sense of patriotism and justice to both the strips and reviews. He eventually got too attached to his work, empathizing with Joe’s plight to give crappy movies a fair shake. In a way he came to love crappy movies as well and was pushed out of the position. He spiraled out of control and ended up in prison. His adventures will be told in the limited series JLCM Presents: 337 Locked Up which is set to début Christmas of 09.
First Appearance - V for Vendetta
Other Notable Appearances: Stay Alive, Ice age 2, Larry the Cable Guy: Health Inspector, Slither, Here Comes Guest week, Let’s Go To Prison
Leonidas – The former king of Sparta who has traveled into the future and is having trouble coping with the modern times. Yelling loudly and kicking people into giant holes doesn’t really work the same way it did in the olden days. As time as gone by he’s adjusted but it’s a safe bet that he’s always one bad message away from throwing a spear through someone.
First Appearance - 300
Other Notable Appearances: Four Brothers, Strip# 300, The Golden Compass, Rambo, Untraceable, The Ladies of Max Paybe
Palpatine – Former Senator, Emperor of the Galactic Empire, Sith Lord... He shows up in the Joe Loves Crappy movies galaxy on occasion to let people know that they’re being stupid. No one’s really sure how he shows up in this universe but chances are it breaks all kinds of copywrite laws.
First Appearance - Episode III: The Dark Side
Other Notable Appearances: Four Brothers, Night Watch, Saw 3, Are We Done Yet
Slow Billy – Billy is a sweet kid but he’s not the sharpest tool in the shed. If you’re watching him for the day be prepared to explain to him the plot of the movie or how popcorn works or, not so much where babies come from, but what babies are. He’s a complete moron.
First Appearance - Four Brothers
Other Notable Appearances: The Chronicles of Narnia, The Da Vinci Code, Vantage Point, Journey to the Center of the Earth
Kyle the Movie Snob – Be careful what fun facts about movies you tell your friends at a friendly gathering or in line for the latest blockbuster, because if you’re even slightly wrong, Kyle will be more than happy to let you know. He usually gets what’s coming to him though. Poor guy has cracked three ribs since joining the JLCM cast.
First Appearance - Ultraviolet
Other Notable Appearances: 16 Blocks, Pirates of the Caribbean: At World’s End, Transformers, Journey to the Center of the Earth
Jean-Luc Picard – Another lawsuit waiting to happen is Jean Luc Picard who, towards the end of the strip’s first year, became the go-to background character. If there was ever a seat to fill or a random person to place wandering around in the background, nine times out of ten it was Picard. While Picard has crossed paths with Irv he and Joe have never met. Perhaps they will some day but for now just can an eye on the background.
First Appearance - The Producers
Other Notable Appearances: I’m not telling you, that’s no fun. It’ like Where’s Waldo – go find him!
Ice Cream Sandwich – Delicious and… deadly? Usually when you see someone eating an Ice Cream sandwich, someone else is experiencing a substantial amount of pain. Still, how nice is an ice cream sandwich on a hot summer day?
First Appearance - Saw IV
Other Notable Appearances: Bee Movie, Run Fatboy Run, Saw V