Love crappy movies but are too ashamed to admit it? Are you a big Rob Schneider fan but you're tired of being burned? Not sure if you want to waste your money on the same old movie? That's why you have Joe.
Joe Loves Crappy Movies is by Joseph Dunn. Joe willingly goes to see the very worst that Hollywood has to offer. Whenever a crappy movie comes out Joe will be there to see it, make fun of it, and actually review it. Nothing is safe, and nothing is sacred. From the big budget action disasters to the low brow fart based comedies, to anything starring Martin Lawrence? Joe will tear it apart.
With each entry you'll get not only a comic poking fun at the movie, but also a detailed review. Joe's not educated in film or cinematography or acting, he's just a guy that draws comics and likes movies. So if you're looking for the everyman perspective and a little joke in comic form... you're in the right place.
Underworld: Rise of the Lycans
Starring: Michael Sheen, Bill Nighy, Rhona Mitra
Directed by: Patrick Tatopoulos
Lakeshore Entertainment
The Official Site of Underworld: Rise of the Lycans
Discuss Underworld: Rise of the Lycanson the boards!
There’s not much to the Underworld franchise. Deep inside we all secretly want to see werewolves and vampires wail on each other with sub-machineguns and it gave us that plus Kate Beckinsale in a cat suit. I found the first movie to be cluttered with content. It became buried in its own back-story. The second, Underworld Evolution, stripped down the drama for a simple on-the-run action flick that focused on the highlights from the first one – gruesome, modern day action between horror’s two most classic monsters. I was relieved to see a franchise with so much potential find its satisfying comfort zone.
When news of a third Underworld film first hit the Internet I was excited about them continuing that pace. Finding out it was a prequel set in The Dark Ages squashed that excitement pretty quickly. The greatest appeal of Underworld has always been watching this age-old struggle in a modern setting. In 2003 this movie was practically marketed as “Monsters in the Matrix”. What happens when you get rid of the bullet time, shiny leather outfits and originality? Underworld: Rise of the Lycans happens. An age-old struggle set in an old age.
Rise of the Lycans tells the story of the werewolf uprising, transitioning from the slaves and daytime protectors of the vampires to a free race. Bill “I ran it under a cold tap” Nighy returns as Viktor, the oppressive ruler of the vampire clan who shows mercy in allowing the werewolf race to evolve and regrets his action after being confronted by Lucian. Lucian (played by a bearded Michael Sheen from Forst/Nixon) is the first of his kind. The first werewolf able to transform at will. He’s used to infect humans and help the vampires build their new army of housebroken werewolves. Both are interesting characters but not so much that I’d choose to show a picture of them. I went with instead, the woman that comes between them. Rhona Mitra plays Sonja, Viktor’s daughter and Lucian’s secret lover (creepy when you think of it as bestiality, even CREEPIER when you find out werewolves and vampires descend from the same blood line. I told you these movies work better when they keep things simple…) Sonja helps Lucian escape and build up his own army to free his kind.
It’s a great onscreen trio though I’ve preferred each in other roles. Sheen’s been in so many prestige pictures recently and I admire his willingness to return to the franchise that introduced him to Americans, even at the risk of a few too many ass shots and one ridiculous love scene. Rhona Mitra deserves more leading lady work but I couldn’t help but wish the vicious but vulnerable Sonja had the same presence as her character in last year’s Doomsday. Nighy is always a treat to see. He brought life to a CGI squid head so I trust him as a stoic old vampire.
As simple of a story as this is, it’s told very well and it looks great. Trading automatic weapons for crossbows might not seem like a fair downgrade but director Patrick Tatopoulos makes the most of the medieval weaponry with some beautifully inventive action that horror fans should love. I adored the Lycan escape sequence where the prisoners were corralled by heavy bolts bursting through the castle windows. They were certainly making the most of their chronological limitations.
The film’s only true failing visually is that they still have not mastered putting a convincing werewolf on screen. There’s a nice combination of practical and computer generated effects used throughout but if you asked me it’s just a back and forth of puppets and cartoons. At the same time this franchise continues to excel when it comes to the werewolf transformations. I love the organic popping of the bones resetting themselves all through the screams and growls of the morphing figure. Good stuff but not good enough.
The trip back in time to tell this story we’ve already been told in passing was far from worthless. Rise of the Lycans is a complete and exciting adventure but I can’t help but wonder what this means for the franchise in the long run. They’ve filled in the gaps but do things end there? Can they really jerk the audience through time again to a story in the future without there being some kind of backlash or does the future of Underworld rest in the more forgiving medium of Direct-to-DVD sales?
Rating: 6 out of 10 - Fun stuff but worth waiting for. This movie should have been an easy pay day for Sony at the box office and, while it did solid business, it was really overshadowed by, of all things, Paul Blart: Mall Cop. 2009 has been good year for box office business but from week to week I’m always surprised at what wins out.
Underworld purists should feel no shame in adding this to their shelves. For me though, after a couple times through I’d miss the heavy firepower and Lycans would do little but collect dust.
I like werewolves and vampires as much as the next guy but enough is enough already. There are other monster team-ups out there just waiting to happen and they’ll never get a chance until on of these Underworld movies really tanks. Seriously… I can’t be the only one that wants to see Underwater: Mummies in the Swamp. Make it happen Hollywood…
This one was a lot of fun to draw. I love trying different looks like this and my only real regret is that I confined the space to two panels. Had I let this go a little bigger there might have even been enough room for a shot of the two classic monsters making out! …Perhaps it’s best it turned out this way.
A quick reminder to cast your vote for which comic you’d like to see me tackle next, though I do hope to cram in one more recent release before the ghosts of movie’s past. If you’re enjoying these strips and this chance to have your say I’d love to hear your thoughts. I’m hopeful to make this a regular thing.
Thanks so much for reading!
Joe – The creator of the strip who has embraced giving crappy movies the chance they deserve. Like the majority of the cast he’s obsessed with boobs.
First Appearance - The Introduction
Yeo – Yeo is Joe’s wife and often the voice of reason in the strip. Having her act rational allows the rest of the cast to embrace being in a comic strip which primarily involves randomly punching people, interacting with fictional characters and talking about boobs. Yeo is smart, beautiful and way too good for Joe. Don’t tip her off.
First Appearance - Fever Pitch
Irv – Joe’s movie-going sidekick who’s always down for watching Jason Statham crescent moon kick some thug through a plate glass window and getting some drinks before after and during a Vin Diesel movie. Like the majority of the cast he’s obsessed with boobs.
First Appearance - Ong-Bak: The Thai Warrior
Agent 337 George Jones – A government Agent that took over for Joe after he was bad-mouthing President Bush in the V for Vendetta strip. George ran the show for over a month bring a much needed sense of patriotism and justice to both the strips and reviews. He eventually got too attached to his work, empathizing with Joe’s plight to give crappy movies a fair shake. In a way he came to love crappy movies as well and was pushed out of the position. He spiraled out of control and ended up in prison. His adventures will be told in the limited series JLCM Presents: 337 Locked Up which is set to début Christmas of 09.
First Appearance - V for Vendetta
Other Notable Appearances: Stay Alive, Ice age 2, Larry the Cable Guy: Health Inspector, Slither, Here Comes Guest week, Let’s Go To Prison
Leonidas – The former king of Sparta who has traveled into the future and is having trouble coping with the modern times. Yelling loudly and kicking people into giant holes doesn’t really work the same way it did in the olden days. As time as gone by he’s adjusted but it’s a safe bet that he’s always one bad message away from throwing a spear through someone.
First Appearance - 300
Other Notable Appearances: Four Brothers, Strip# 300, The Golden Compass, Rambo, Untraceable, The Ladies of Max Paybe
Palpatine – Former Senator, Emperor of the Galactic Empire, Sith Lord... He shows up in the Joe Loves Crappy movies galaxy on occasion to let people know that they’re being stupid. No one’s really sure how he shows up in this universe but chances are it breaks all kinds of copywrite laws.
First Appearance - Episode III: The Dark Side
Other Notable Appearances: Four Brothers, Night Watch, Saw 3, Are We Done Yet
Slow Billy – Billy is a sweet kid but he’s not the sharpest tool in the shed. If you’re watching him for the day be prepared to explain to him the plot of the movie or how popcorn works or, not so much where babies come from, but what babies are. He’s a complete moron.
First Appearance - Four Brothers
Other Notable Appearances: The Chronicles of Narnia, The Da Vinci Code, Vantage Point, Journey to the Center of the Earth
Kyle the Movie Snob – Be careful what fun facts about movies you tell your friends at a friendly gathering or in line for the latest blockbuster, because if you’re even slightly wrong, Kyle will be more than happy to let you know. He usually gets what’s coming to him though. Poor guy has cracked three ribs since joining the JLCM cast.
First Appearance - Ultraviolet
Other Notable Appearances: 16 Blocks, Pirates of the Caribbean: At World’s End, Transformers, Journey to the Center of the Earth
Jean-Luc Picard – Another lawsuit waiting to happen is Jean Luc Picard who, towards the end of the strip’s first year, became the go-to background character. If there was ever a seat to fill or a random person to place wandering around in the background, nine times out of ten it was Picard. While Picard has crossed paths with Irv he and Joe have never met. Perhaps they will some day but for now just can an eye on the background.
First Appearance - The Producers
Other Notable Appearances: I’m not telling you, that’s no fun. It’ like Where’s Waldo – go find him!
Ice Cream Sandwich – Delicious and… deadly? Usually when you see someone eating an Ice Cream sandwich, someone else is experiencing a substantial amount of pain. Still, how nice is an ice cream sandwich on a hot summer day?
First Appearance - Saw IV
Other Notable Appearances: Bee Movie, Run Fatboy Run, Saw V