Starring: Jensen Ackles, Jamie Kine, Kerr Smith, Betsy Rue, Edi Gathegi

Directed by: Patrick Lussier

Lionsgate Pictures

The Official Site of My Bloody Valentine 3-D

Discuss My Bloody Valentine 3-D on the boards!

Why is a movie with “Valentine� in the title coming out on a Martin Luther King Day weekend? For that matter what does a coal miner have to do with Valentine’s Day? And why are there horny teenagers hanging out in the abandon mineshaft where a dozen people were recently butchered? Don’t they have anything better to do? If you’re asking yourself these questions then you’re already over thinking things, a dangerous way to approach any horror movie let alone a slasher remake that’s been given the gimmicky glory of 3-D special effects!

There are answers to all of these questions but none of them will make My Bloody Valentine 3-D a better film. This story focuses on a town that has been trying to recover from the murder spree of a mad coal miner who rips out people’s hearts and shoves them in candy boxes. (See? That’s where the “Valentines� connection comes in. Did it make it any better? No, not for me either.) A decade later, the CW heartthrob cast are all grown up and suddenly forced to deal with a copycat killer that has a little person being scooped up at the end of a pick axe and a would be hooker running buck naked through a motel parking lot in search of safety.

The guessing game of who has taken up the mantel of the crazed maniac is often the best thing about a movie like this. But My Bloody Valentine picks an obvious favorite and works very hard to convince you to follow those clues. I’m hesitant to point out if they favor the lonely townie trapped in a loveless marriage, the prodigal son who’s return to town to settle unfinished business, the power obsessed sheriff with a secret or two or even the ghostly remains of the original killer come back to life. For the sake of not spoiling things I’ll not spotlight any of them but I will say that the film’s ending was a bit of a surprise. In this case though “surprise� and “impressed� are not bedfellows.

The cast does little to help the material. Jamie King, as lovely as she may be, proves here that she can’t act in any dimension and Jensen Ackles (who I hear is fantastic in Supernatural) manages to bring bland to a whole new level. The film’s real star though is Kerr Smith (Dawson’s Creek) who, as a Sheriff named Axel, perfectly embraces the essence of a B-movie badass. Unfortunately he’s the kind you like to laugh at instead of laugh with. If Smith wants a future as a weirdo that appears suddenly from behind curtains and shouts inappropriate things to prove his points, then he’s certainly headed in the right direction.

My Bloody Valentine is not impossible to enjoy. It’s filled with genuine tension and a few unintentional laughs which, with the right crowd, should be a lot of fun. Unfortunately if you haven’t seen the movie by now then the chances of a big crowd behind you are quickly dwindling.

There are of course the 3-D effects which, in the weeks before the film’s release the cast had been promoting harder than the film’s actual content. Praising it as “state of the art� and “never before seen� is a little generous. There are some nice tricks and a few jumps but the technology still suffers from being too dark and too blurry. Those are two adjectives that would probably enhance an average horror movie but I wasn’t really buying into it. This isn’t as much a giant leap in technology as it is a safe gimmick to sell a few more seats.

I wish I could say that it’s the kind of movie you could wait to rent and make fun of in the comfort of your own home but let’s be real with each other – the only thing My Bloody Valentine has going for it is the 3-D effects. And on your modest TV set with a cat occasionally wandering in front of the screen, is that really going to cut it? If the alternative though is actually paying to see it then your best bet is to probably let this one go because, with all the questions that a film like My Bloody Valentine 3-D may have you asking yourself afterwards, it seems that the most important one is, “Why did I just pay to watch this?�

Rating: 3 out of 10 - Let’s be real – this movie was a 3 from conception. To have gone beyond that it would have to really capitalize on creative deaths and the 3-D. As much as the Internet loves how it handled these crucial elopements I felt like it did the bare minimum.

This movie would have little appeal if it weren’t for its 3-D effects, in fact the shots made specifically for the gimmick would make this already borderline B-movie adventure seem even cheaper and less original. If you’re even vaguely interested your best bet is to catch it with the glasses. Otherwise start hoping and praying it becomes the sort of cult classic people like to gather in groups to heckle.

Shockingly enough, stabbings and shootings are becoming pretty common these days at the multiplex. It’s a shame really. It used to be that you could go to the movies and watch some girl get decapitated by a shovel and everyone would go home with a smile on their face. Body armor will soon be a requirement for watching a good zombie movie. The worlds going to hell.

Originally I thought to do this comic with me in the suit but that makes no sense really. It seemed more natural to have a poor employee pressured by an overbearing boss get the scars on this one. Ms. Patel is based on a real manager that works at my local theater. I don’t know her name and I haven’t said more to her in my life than, “One for Failure to Launch, please� but she terrifies me in a way. I’m sure she’s a lovely woman but I prefer to think of her as this stubborn overlord of the multiplex. At least that’s how she’ll be in the comic.

Heads up for those of you that live in the New York area or plan on visiting there in the second week of February. On February 6th through 8th at New York Comic Con, you’ll have a chance to meet not only Peter from Heroes and the old dude from Fringe but also me, Irv, Phil and if you’re lucky enough to show up around the right time – Yeo. That’s right, the pimps will be represented in full force at New York Comic Con where we’ll be debuting JLCM Volume 1!

We’ll have special incentives that I’ll announce later in the week (I mean, other incentives than the chance to meet Irv) but for now mark your calendars and stop on by!

I wanted to send a quick word of congratulations to Clay and Hampton over at Rob and Elliot who have hit the 300 mark on their wonderful strip. Keep up the great work guys!

Lastly, the Oscar nominations came out very early this morning and my reaction is a little surprised, a little disappointed. I guess you could say that there wee no real surprises and that because of that I’m a little disappointed. While there are some good films in the race for best picture, I just don’t think any of them were actually the best film of the year. There’s a couple months left before the winners are announced and I’m hopeful to dedicate some time and a comic to the nominees before then.

Oh! Lastly (for reals this time) Don’t forget to cast your vote over on the boards for which movie form my top ten list of 2008 should get a comic and review next. So far it looks like runner-up Iron Man is the easy winner, but Forgetting Sarah Marshall isn’t too far behind. Make sure you get your two cents in there. And thanks for reading!