Love crappy movies but are too ashamed to admit it? Are you a big Rob Schneider fan but you're tired of being burned? Not sure if you want to waste your money on the same old movie? That's why you have Joe.
Joe Loves Crappy Movies is by Joseph Dunn. Joe willingly goes to see the very worst that Hollywood has to offer. Whenever a crappy movie comes out Joe will be there to see it, make fun of it, and actually review it. Nothing is safe, and nothing is sacred. From the big budget action disasters to the low brow fart based comedies, to anything starring Martin Lawrence? Joe will tear it apart.
With each entry you'll get not only a comic poking fun at the movie, but also a detailed review. Joe's not educated in film or cinematography or acting, he's just a guy that draws comics and likes movies. So if you're looking for the everyman perspective and a little joke in comic form... you're in the right place.
The Fantastic Four - Brandon J. Carr guest strip
RELEASED: 7/8/05
VIEWED: Midnight, 07/8/05
As with any movie based on a comic book, I went into "Fantastic Four" with a bit of excitement and a lot of worry. Translating the classic Marvel super family to the big screen is a monumental task. And what can I say? THIS MOVIE ROCKED! This review is going to be chock full of spoilers because I'm so dang excited!
I was happy to find out that the whole story took place in 1961, the year the first Fantastic Four funnybook hit the stands. Capturing the original time period really nailed down the fact that the filmmakers were interested in making the essential FF movie everyone was raring to see. The sets, styled in the fashion of Kirby's vision of New York, were incredibly created digitally, like the Gotham City of Batman Begins, especially the frequent glimpses of the Baxter Building in the distance. I really got the feel of the Fantastic Four?that ground level look at the world of the incredible that Kirby did so well. I think that style will definitely come in handy in the inevitable sequel.
The opening sequence, an experienced Four battling the Mole Man, was visually incredible. The momentary tableau mimicking the cover of FF #1 was priceless, raising goosebumps on the arms of this long-time Four Fan. They clipped the Mole Man story, not carrying it out like it was done in the book, but THAT is how you open a movie. The opening credits were brief but included the most important credits of all in HUGE letters: CREATED BY STAN LEE AND JACK KIRBY.
After the preface, they dove right into the origin. The usual?a test ship, cosmic rays, the works. I love that they kept the concept of Reed launching the ship before schedule to "beat the Commies into space." The experience with the cosmic rays was stylized, but not corny?a tough trick to pull off. The moments in which they first realized their powers and started using them for the first time were priceless and, thank goodness, didn't lead into a cheesy montage of degrading slapstick. While Marvel characters are known for their flaws, they're still heroes at heart and I don't want to watch them fumbling around like idiots for 10 minutes if I can help it.
They introduced Victor Von Doom but, thankfully, didn't do anything with him. The audience now knows who he is, knows there's some deep-seated rivalry, but there was no mask, no green cloak?not yet, anyway. One cheesy line that I still liked was the first time Victor referred to himself as Reed was leaving his lab. With a smirk (of course not knowing about the "adjustments" Reed made to his machinery while they were talking), he said, "You haven't heard the last of?Doctor Doom." Goosebumps AGAIN!
Most of the rest of the movie was filled with setting up the Baxter Building, stopping some random crimes in incredibly creative fashion, and squabbling like the family the FF really are at heart.
Now this is the total spoiler, but it was made me leave the theater wishing the sequel was coming out an hour later (enough time to pee, grab some more popcorn, and get a good seat). Reed, Sue, Ben and Johnny, finally relaxing after a movie's worth of fighting the bad guys, are chatting it up and don't notice the ball of fire headed in from the sky. It races towards them until we can finally see it cool down to one silvery figure on a surfboard. With a stern look on his face, the mysterious surfer says, "He's coming." CUT TO BLACK.
I couldn't have asked for a better FF movie. I'd thought that The Incredibles was as good as it could get, but seeing the real team in their real uniforms was amazing.
OVERALL SCORE: 9 out of 10, but only because I don't give out 10s.
DVD WORTHY? Absolutely. I want to watch this visual feast again and again until my eyes rot out of my head.
IF YOU LIKED IT, CHECK OUT: The Incredibles
TRAILER HITCH: The Free Lunch movie looks pretty average?the trailer was about as amusing as one of the strips (not very). I was a little bit more interested in the trailer for the movie Matriculated, but was surprised by their decision to make the whole cast black. And gay. And instead of a college, they were executives at a root beer company. Finally, the Nothing Nice to Say movie looks okay, but I don't think it's punk enough.
Joe – The creator of the strip who has embraced giving crappy movies the chance they deserve. Like the majority of the cast he’s obsessed with boobs.
First Appearance - The Introduction
Yeo – Yeo is Joe’s wife and often the voice of reason in the strip. Having her act rational allows the rest of the cast to embrace being in a comic strip which primarily involves randomly punching people, interacting with fictional characters and talking about boobs. Yeo is smart, beautiful and way too good for Joe. Don’t tip her off.
First Appearance - Fever Pitch
Irv – Joe’s movie-going sidekick who’s always down for watching Jason Statham crescent moon kick some thug through a plate glass window and getting some drinks before after and during a Vin Diesel movie. Like the majority of the cast he’s obsessed with boobs.
First Appearance - Ong-Bak: The Thai Warrior
Agent 337 George Jones – A government Agent that took over for Joe after he was bad-mouthing President Bush in the V for Vendetta strip. George ran the show for over a month bring a much needed sense of patriotism and justice to both the strips and reviews. He eventually got too attached to his work, empathizing with Joe’s plight to give crappy movies a fair shake. In a way he came to love crappy movies as well and was pushed out of the position. He spiraled out of control and ended up in prison. His adventures will be told in the limited series JLCM Presents: 337 Locked Up which is set to début Christmas of 09.
First Appearance - V for Vendetta
Other Notable Appearances: Stay Alive, Ice age 2, Larry the Cable Guy: Health Inspector, Slither, Here Comes Guest week, Let’s Go To Prison
Leonidas – The former king of Sparta who has traveled into the future and is having trouble coping with the modern times. Yelling loudly and kicking people into giant holes doesn’t really work the same way it did in the olden days. As time as gone by he’s adjusted but it’s a safe bet that he’s always one bad message away from throwing a spear through someone.
First Appearance - 300
Other Notable Appearances: Four Brothers, Strip# 300, The Golden Compass, Rambo, Untraceable, The Ladies of Max Paybe
Palpatine – Former Senator, Emperor of the Galactic Empire, Sith Lord... He shows up in the Joe Loves Crappy movies galaxy on occasion to let people know that they’re being stupid. No one’s really sure how he shows up in this universe but chances are it breaks all kinds of copywrite laws.
First Appearance - Episode III: The Dark Side
Other Notable Appearances: Four Brothers, Night Watch, Saw 3, Are We Done Yet
Slow Billy – Billy is a sweet kid but he’s not the sharpest tool in the shed. If you’re watching him for the day be prepared to explain to him the plot of the movie or how popcorn works or, not so much where babies come from, but what babies are. He’s a complete moron.
First Appearance - Four Brothers
Other Notable Appearances: The Chronicles of Narnia, The Da Vinci Code, Vantage Point, Journey to the Center of the Earth
Kyle the Movie Snob – Be careful what fun facts about movies you tell your friends at a friendly gathering or in line for the latest blockbuster, because if you’re even slightly wrong, Kyle will be more than happy to let you know. He usually gets what’s coming to him though. Poor guy has cracked three ribs since joining the JLCM cast.
First Appearance - Ultraviolet
Other Notable Appearances: 16 Blocks, Pirates of the Caribbean: At World’s End, Transformers, Journey to the Center of the Earth
Jean-Luc Picard – Another lawsuit waiting to happen is Jean Luc Picard who, towards the end of the strip’s first year, became the go-to background character. If there was ever a seat to fill or a random person to place wandering around in the background, nine times out of ten it was Picard. While Picard has crossed paths with Irv he and Joe have never met. Perhaps they will some day but for now just can an eye on the background.
First Appearance - The Producers
Other Notable Appearances: I’m not telling you, that’s no fun. It’ like Where’s Waldo – go find him!
Ice Cream Sandwich – Delicious and… deadly? Usually when you see someone eating an Ice Cream sandwich, someone else is experiencing a substantial amount of pain. Still, how nice is an ice cream sandwich on a hot summer day?
First Appearance - Saw IV
Other Notable Appearances: Bee Movie, Run Fatboy Run, Saw V
