Love crappy movies but are too ashamed to admit it? Are you a big Rob Schneider fan but you're tired of being burned? Not sure if you want to waste your money on the same old movie? That's why you have Joe.
Joe Loves Crappy Movies is by Joseph Dunn. Joe willingly goes to see the very worst that Hollywood has to offer. Whenever a crappy movie comes out Joe will be there to see it, make fun of it, and actually review it. Nothing is safe, and nothing is sacred. From the big budget action disasters to the low brow fart based comedies, to anything starring Martin Lawrence? Joe will tear it apart.
With each entry you'll get not only a comic poking fun at the movie, but also a detailed review. Joe's not educated in film or cinematography or acting, he's just a guy that draws comics and likes movies. So if you're looking for the everyman perspective and a little joke in comic form... you're in the right place.
Fantastic Four - Mitch Clem guest strip
RELEASED: 07/08/05
VIEWED: Midnight, 07/08/05
STARRING: Ioan Gruffudd, Jessica Alba, Jessica Alba's underwear, Michael Chiklis, Chris Evans, Julian McMahon
DIRECTED BY: The same guy who directed Taxi. Not the show, the movie with Queen Latifah and that guy from SNL who thinks he's Adam Sandler.
Here's a quick recap of everything that happened in the first 30 or so minutes of the first Spider-Man movie:
Peter Parker, normal guy, got bitten by a radioactive spider. Upon realizing his powers, he, at first, didn't know what to make of them. He tried to use them for pride, for fortune... Ultimately, he paid a horrible price for his arrogance (that being the life of his beloved Uncle Ben), learned that "with great power, comes great responsibility", and started kicking some ass as a superhero, thus ending act one and setting us up for what is, in my opinion, the best superhero origin story ever done on film.
Oh wait, there was more. We also saw how Norman Osborn, wealthy scientist, was on the brink of losing his career as a scientist. He tested his last chance at success, a power enhancement formula for use in combat, on himself, which made him super strong, but also drove him completely insane. He stole a glider that was also being developed in his lab, killed all the other board members who were trying to force him out of the company, and thus we had a villain.
That was all in thirty minutes worth of screen time, give or take. Act one. The introduction to the real story.
Now let's compare that to what happened in the entire 106 minutes of the Fantastic Four:
Reed Richards, Benn Grimm, Susan and Johnny Storm, and Victor Von Doom all get on a space ship to conduct some scientific research. Their ship is hit with some cosmic rays and they all get superpowers. Upon realizing their powers, the first four, at first, didn't know what to make of them. Johnny tried to use them for pride, for fortune... While Reed worked on making them go away for the benefit of Ben (whose power was to be made out of rocks) and Sue randomly took off her clothes. Ultimately, there was a brief (10-15 minutes total?) conflict with a villain, whom they defeated, and I guess they decided they were a superhero team.
Oh wait, there was more. We also saw how Von Doom was given the exact same origin given to the Green Goblin in Spider-Man, right down to the huge science company, the board of directors kicking him out, him getting pissed about it and killing the board of directors... He also got angry because Sue was sort of his girlfriend or maybe not wait we're not sure and he got pissed at Reed for stealing her away from him. Blah blah blah, a million hours pass by, nothing interesting happens except for just a couple admittedly funny jokes (including a montage of the team using their powers around the house, Johnny turned a mound of snow in Vail into a hot tub, and the Thing walking into a bar with a jukebox and spurring a joke so smart and hilarious that it didn't really deserve to be in with the rest of the movie.
What I'm trying to say is that the Fantastic Four is the first half hour of Spider-Man dragged out across almost two hours of film. The script, obviously, was bad. The acting, for the most part, was bad (Chris Evans was very well cast as Johnny Storm, and pulled off very well being totally arrogant and making the audience sort of hate him).
Jessica Alba should not be allowed to act anymore, I'm sorry. At this point the only thing she seems capable of doing on screen is being hot, which doesn't quite cut it for me because I can find hot things all over the internet for free, most of which aren't ruining one of the best comics out there. Anyhow, their way of making Susan Storm a strong female character was the same as every Hollywood interpretation of feminism: Make her kind of a bitch, but still hot enough to where you want to be nice to her so she'll sleep with you. Woo, go team.
I have to leave a lot out of this review because there's so much to hate. The special effects were awful, especially on Reed (every time he used his powers it looked so obviously like really bad CG that it just took you right out of the movie). The final battle was like two seconds long and consisted of a very generic "thing brought up briefly early on in the film turns out to be the pivotal thing that saves them all" type of plot-device. There was no good build-up to the final battle, it just kinda happened, and all of a sudden tons of people were cheering even though they had no idea what was going on. Ugh, what a stupid movie.
HOWEVER. For all it's plot holes and mis-characterizations and bad special effects and being kinda boring and ruining the franchise and everything, it's still the Fantastic Four made into a movie, so you're all still gonna see it and be entertained no matter how bad it is. I did. We're all whores, what can I say.
OVERALL SCORE: 4 out of 10. It only evades being totally unwatchable by being a Fantastic Four movie, which in and of itself gets a 4 by default.
DVD WORTHY?: Ugh. Maybe? I didn't buy Daredevil or Punisher or any of the other sucky film adaptations of my favorite comics, why would I start here? Maybe you disagree, though. Maybe you LIKED Daredevil. Is it true? Do you have bad taste in movies?
IF YOU LIKED IT, CHECK OUT: The first half hour of Spider-Man
TRAILER HITCH:
I'm sorry, but Transporter 2 is gonna kick ass. The first one was the perfect example of how a movie with a terrible plot full of holes and no real point can be really entertaining, and the second one looks pretty much exactly the same. I'll be there.
There was also a trailer for some stupid looking movie about a war plane that turns alive and starts killing people. Jamie Foxx is in it. Savor that Oscar while you can, Jamie, you'll be mopping up my toilets by the time I'm famous.
Joe – The creator of the strip who has embraced giving crappy movies the chance they deserve. Like the majority of the cast he’s obsessed with boobs.
First Appearance - The Introduction
Yeo – Yeo is Joe’s wife and often the voice of reason in the strip. Having her act rational allows the rest of the cast to embrace being in a comic strip which primarily involves randomly punching people, interacting with fictional characters and talking about boobs. Yeo is smart, beautiful and way too good for Joe. Don’t tip her off.
First Appearance - Fever Pitch
Irv – Joe’s movie-going sidekick who’s always down for watching Jason Statham crescent moon kick some thug through a plate glass window and getting some drinks before after and during a Vin Diesel movie. Like the majority of the cast he’s obsessed with boobs.
First Appearance - Ong-Bak: The Thai Warrior
Agent 337 George Jones – A government Agent that took over for Joe after he was bad-mouthing President Bush in the V for Vendetta strip. George ran the show for over a month bring a much needed sense of patriotism and justice to both the strips and reviews. He eventually got too attached to his work, empathizing with Joe’s plight to give crappy movies a fair shake. In a way he came to love crappy movies as well and was pushed out of the position. He spiraled out of control and ended up in prison. His adventures will be told in the limited series JLCM Presents: 337 Locked Up which is set to début Christmas of 09.
First Appearance - V for Vendetta
Other Notable Appearances: Stay Alive, Ice age 2, Larry the Cable Guy: Health Inspector, Slither, Here Comes Guest week, Let’s Go To Prison
Leonidas – The former king of Sparta who has traveled into the future and is having trouble coping with the modern times. Yelling loudly and kicking people into giant holes doesn’t really work the same way it did in the olden days. As time as gone by he’s adjusted but it’s a safe bet that he’s always one bad message away from throwing a spear through someone.
First Appearance - 300
Other Notable Appearances: Four Brothers, Strip# 300, The Golden Compass, Rambo, Untraceable, The Ladies of Max Paybe
Palpatine – Former Senator, Emperor of the Galactic Empire, Sith Lord... He shows up in the Joe Loves Crappy movies galaxy on occasion to let people know that they’re being stupid. No one’s really sure how he shows up in this universe but chances are it breaks all kinds of copywrite laws.
First Appearance - Episode III: The Dark Side
Other Notable Appearances: Four Brothers, Night Watch, Saw 3, Are We Done Yet
Slow Billy – Billy is a sweet kid but he’s not the sharpest tool in the shed. If you’re watching him for the day be prepared to explain to him the plot of the movie or how popcorn works or, not so much where babies come from, but what babies are. He’s a complete moron.
First Appearance - Four Brothers
Other Notable Appearances: The Chronicles of Narnia, The Da Vinci Code, Vantage Point, Journey to the Center of the Earth
Kyle the Movie Snob – Be careful what fun facts about movies you tell your friends at a friendly gathering or in line for the latest blockbuster, because if you’re even slightly wrong, Kyle will be more than happy to let you know. He usually gets what’s coming to him though. Poor guy has cracked three ribs since joining the JLCM cast.
First Appearance - Ultraviolet
Other Notable Appearances: 16 Blocks, Pirates of the Caribbean: At World’s End, Transformers, Journey to the Center of the Earth
Jean-Luc Picard – Another lawsuit waiting to happen is Jean Luc Picard who, towards the end of the strip’s first year, became the go-to background character. If there was ever a seat to fill or a random person to place wandering around in the background, nine times out of ten it was Picard. While Picard has crossed paths with Irv he and Joe have never met. Perhaps they will some day but for now just can an eye on the background.
First Appearance - The Producers
Other Notable Appearances: I’m not telling you, that’s no fun. It’ like Where’s Waldo – go find him!
Ice Cream Sandwich – Delicious and… deadly? Usually when you see someone eating an Ice Cream sandwich, someone else is experiencing a substantial amount of pain. Still, how nice is an ice cream sandwich on a hot summer day?
First Appearance - Saw IV
Other Notable Appearances: Bee Movie, Run Fatboy Run, Saw V
