Love crappy movies but are too ashamed to admit it? Are you a big Rob Schneider fan but you're tired of being burned? Not sure if you want to waste your money on the same old movie? That's why you have Joe.
Joe Loves Crappy Movies is by Joseph Dunn. Joe willingly goes to see the very worst that Hollywood has to offer. Whenever a crappy movie comes out Joe will be there to see it, make fun of it, and actually review it. Nothing is safe, and nothing is sacred. From the big budget action disasters to the low brow fart based comedies, to anything starring Martin Lawrence? Joe will tear it apart.
With each entry you'll get not only a comic poking fun at the movie, but also a detailed review. Joe's not educated in film or cinematography or acting, he's just a guy that draws comics and likes movies. So if you're looking for the everyman perspective and a little joke in comic form... you're in the right place.
Shooter
Starring: Mark Wahlberg, Michael Peña, Danny Glover, Kate Mara, Elias Koteas, Rhona Miltra, Rade Serbedzija, Ned Beatty, Lane Garrison
Directed by: Antoine Fuqua
Paramount - Official Site of the Movie
In a fight who would win? A “smart” action movie” or a “regular action movie”? That’s right, the “regular one”. Because he fights dirty. Hollywood churns out a lot of action throughout the year and for the most part it’s just a glorified montage of exploding cars, loud guns, and sexy ladies. But every once and a while a smart action movie will come along and use those same cars, guns, and ladies to tell a smart sophisticated thriller. Usually with less boobs, but some sacrifices are necessary.
Mark Wahlberg’s new movie Shooter wants to be the smart action movie. And as hard as it tries you really want it to be too, but it’s too heavy on the BOOM and too light on the reason why stuff is going boom. It’s not a huge deal, I can appreciate it for what it is, but I just hate it when people get hung up on excessive action as a bad thing. What’s wrong with excessive action? Do you see so many car chases on your way to work that you’re completely jaded to it? Movies are an escape and it’s just as nice to escape to a movie with an intellectual conversation, as it is to escape to one where someone shoots a helicopter down with a pistol. Shooter is out to satisfy that need. And regardless of what side you’re on, one thing’s for sure… no one walks away from an explosion in slow motion like Whalberg does.
I say that as a joke but there’s some truth to it. Wahlberg brings a certain confidence and cool to all his roles that really helps define his vague character in Shooter. Even though we’re only given a few facts about his military past we can a learn a lot about what kind of man he is from the way he carries himself. Including the way he talks and walks. The fact that the character’s name is Swagger is just an annoying coincidence.
Swagger is a loner that has taken a liberal stance against a government that left him for dead in enemy territory 3 years ago. To emphasize his transformation Whalberg dons a ponytail and wispy patchwork beard that would make Keanu Reeves proud. (Seriously, Keanue’s beard is a lot of things but consistent it’s not. Sorry, I find it impossible to ignore). As a creepy mountain man Swagger finds peace in questioning the government and cleaning his guns.
A grizzled Danny Glover comes calling one day, and after questioning Swagger’s patriotism, the former solider falls in line and does what he’s told. From there he becomes a pawn in an assassination attempt that the trailers make seem pretty cut and dry. I was pleased to learn that the trailer was hiding a few details that made this story a little less contrived than it appears on the surface.
That’s not the only thing that the trailers threw me off on. Shooter is really a movie featuring two heroes working from opposite ends of the same problem. As Swagger evades the authorities and tries to work the system from the outside, we’re also given Michael Peña’s character, a young FBI agent that encounters Swagger just after the shooting and uses some first hand information to work the system from the inside. (It’s a bad example but I equate it to the Cusack and Cage characters in Con Air. Great movie. Bad mullet.) The trailers depicted a loners struggle against the big bad government but adding this second path really beefed up a story that otherwise could have come dangerously close to being a bad Fugitive rip-off.
There’s a lot of misleading qualities in the promotion for this film though some things are hit square on the head. Shooter wants desperately to be the new Bourne Identity. Form its tone to its action style to certain aspects of the main characters, there’s a lot of familiarity between the two. I’m not complaining because… well, it works. Shooter is loud and fun and smart, plus if you have to rip-off a movie it might as well be a good one.
The most original aspect about Shooter is its insight into the world of a sniper. You learn about distance and speed and wind, and a half a dozen other factors that can throw off a target as well as tools and methods for making the job more effective. I really appreciated this approach to the film and missed it during the second half when his skills as a marksman were dropped in favor of spotlighting his survivor skills on the run. It’s still fun but I was thirsty for a more complex target.
Swagger seeks help in a love interest is played by Kate Mara, a young star on the rise that has appeared in movies like We Are Marshall and Brokeback Mountain, but finds her first real big chance at success with Shooter. The camera loves her. She’s absolutely gorgeous and impossible to take your eyes off of, but while Shooter offers her a lot of exposure, it doesn’t give her as much of a chance to expose her skills as it does her cleavage. The movie depicts her as the stereotypical “damsel in distress” who’s in the movie to give the hero something to fight for, and show off her goods. Her flowing red locks and chest deserve as much of a credit as her acting does. Did she really need to wear a push-up bra while removing a bullet from Swagger’s shoulder?
Mara’s character is given a small chance to show that women can take car e of themselves, but it would have held more weight is she had a shirt on while she was doing it. Regardless, Mara is a lot of fun to watch (shirt or no shirt) and I’m really looking forward to seeing where she takes Shooter’s success.
Shooter features another would be up-and-comer that might not be going much of anywhere after a recent run in with the law. Lane Garrison, who has a small part as Whalberg’s spotter in the film, was convicted of manslaughter earlier this year after an underage boy was killed in a car accident in which he was drunk driving. He faces up to 6 years in prison, which will certainly negate all of the good buzz he had coming off of Shooter and the work he did in the first two seasons of Prison Break. I’m a big fan of that show and was amazed how he was able to take a nothing character and really make him one of the coolest people on a show. A show that was already filled with cool people. It’s a shame the way things have turned.
Shooter’s ending is sloppy and a little undefined, as if they weren’t sure how to end it so it goes through a bunch of missteps before it decides to wrap up in the most devastating way possible. As Wahlberg’s adversary, Glover is given a few too many back doors to escape through and even though in reality he would escape free and clear, there’s no way the good guy won’t win in this kind of action movie.
There’s a certain general “action movie” quality to Shooter, as much as Whalberg would like to think it’s a “smart-action film”, making silencers and IVs MacGuyver style from house hold items is cool, but not really “smart”. It’s a gimmick that is used to fool people into thinking they’ve seen something smart. But Shooters not dumb either. It’s got plenty of explosions and beautiful women and badass revenge, and as cool as the IV really was, it’s these things the audience will remember when it comes time to buy the DVD. And you gave it to us. THAT’S “smart action movie” making.
Rating: 7 out of 10 - Director Antoine Fuqua who hit big with Training Day polishes things up a little and then blows them up. Shooter is slick and fun, and though most reviews have questioned the length or theme, I feel confident that most action junkies will be able to get their fix from this fun, explosive film.
Part of me says yes because I’ve had a lot of luck with Wahlberg films in the past. His early stuff like Fear and The Bight Hit where regular staples in my VCR during college, and more recently I found a new home video favorite in The Italian Job. A movie I was under-whelmed by in theaters but learned to love once I got it into my DVD player. Could Shooter follow suit? I think it’s got as much a chances as anything. The action is fun and escalates in scale the way you would want it to, and though it falls short of being as powerful as a Bourne movie it manages to move quickly and keep you on board. I’m going to say yes, but only if there’s an explanation why “Shooter” is the best title they could come up with.
SO this joke might go over the head of a few people, but I like to think that the majority of the people that might be reading this have in fact seen and loved Happy Gilmore, the funniest movie that Adam Sandler has ever done. And I love even his worst movies so the fact that I’m putting this golf inspired property dispute at the top of the heap says a lot.
Part fo the reason it’s so great is because of its villain Shooter McGavin played with comic perfection by Christopher McDonald. It’s a situation where you hate him so much that somewhere along the line you start to admire him. He’s seriously one of the best comedy villains in the history of film. Here’s a taste courtesy of YouTube.
In all honesty I did not think of this character when I first heard the title of this movie. What I did think was, “I can’t believe this is the best title the could come up with.” I hate titles that are too specific, titles that are too “spelled out” for the audience. The Marine The Guardian and so on. Will a creative title really scare off business?
Shooter is based on a novel by Stephen Hunter called Point of Impact which is only slightly less lame, but if half the amount of effort was spent on a title as was spent on getting Kate Mara’s clothes off, then we might have something passable. I mean why not just call it Shooter’s Topless Girlfriend? Can you hear the crowds lining up?
Live Free or Die Hard - I kind of feel bad that I don’t like this trailer better. I’m very excited about the movie. I have my favorites and one that I don’t love, but for the most part I’m a big fan of the Die Hard franchise, but I felt there was very little to grab hold of in this trailer. A great trailer should be filled with moments that you’re talking about days afterwards. Nothing really leaps out to me here. And what makes that even sadder is that a car launches into a helicopter at the end. That should be awesome, but if I hadn’t just rewatched it now I wouldn’t have remembered it at all.
But my blasé reaction to this first look is a bad indicator to how excited I really am about the finished product. I have faith that the actual film will be more than quick cuts of cars racing in different directions, and I’m thrilled to see where this new director and fresh cast can take one of the best action franchises ever. But other than faith, I don’t see a real strong reason to get excited just yet.
It has been a big week for us at Digital Pimp. On Wednesday, one of our first comics, Matriculated hit the 200 strip mark. For a weekly strip that’s a long road and Phil and I, who have been doing this comic since 2003, are still shocked that it made it this far. We love this strip and don’t intend to stop any time soon, but it all just goes by so fast.
If you have some time to spare, dig in and read through some of Matriculated’s archives. 200 strips is a lot of back reading but I’m so proud of what we’ve built there. More proud than anything I’ve done on my own, and I think it’s a worthy time waster.
I hate pimping so blatantly, but if you like the Matriculated strips be sure to check out our first collection for just 15 bucks. This trade brings together the first 13 months of the series complete with commentary and extra artwork. The collection is also available in a bundle package that includes 5 other comics and a T-shirt of your choosing.
Also be sure to check in Tuesday’s and Thursdays with Turtle vs. Bunny, which is still going strong. I think that’s all the strips I’m working on now. Between that and my taxes I can’t quite keep track. I’ll keep you updated though if another strip pops up somewhere.
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Joe – The creator of the strip who has embraced giving crappy movies the chance they deserve. Like the majority of the cast he’s obsessed with boobs.
First Appearance - The Introduction
Yeo – Yeo is Joe’s wife and often the voice of reason in the strip. Having her act rational allows the rest of the cast to embrace being in a comic strip which primarily involves randomly punching people, interacting with fictional characters and talking about boobs. Yeo is smart, beautiful and way too good for Joe. Don’t tip her off.
First Appearance - Fever Pitch
Irv – Joe’s movie-going sidekick who’s always down for watching Jason Statham crescent moon kick some thug through a plate glass window and getting some drinks before after and during a Vin Diesel movie. Like the majority of the cast he’s obsessed with boobs.
First Appearance - Ong-Bak: The Thai Warrior
Agent 337 George Jones – A government Agent that took over for Joe after he was bad-mouthing President Bush in the V for Vendetta strip. George ran the show for over a month bring a much needed sense of patriotism and justice to both the strips and reviews. He eventually got too attached to his work, empathizing with Joe’s plight to give crappy movies a fair shake. In a way he came to love crappy movies as well and was pushed out of the position. He spiraled out of control and ended up in prison. His adventures will be told in the limited series JLCM Presents: 337 Locked Up which is set to début Christmas of 09.
First Appearance - V for Vendetta
Other Notable Appearances: Stay Alive, Ice age 2, Larry the Cable Guy: Health Inspector, Slither, Here Comes Guest week, Let’s Go To Prison
Leonidas – The former king of Sparta who has traveled into the future and is having trouble coping with the modern times. Yelling loudly and kicking people into giant holes doesn’t really work the same way it did in the olden days. As time as gone by he’s adjusted but it’s a safe bet that he’s always one bad message away from throwing a spear through someone.
First Appearance - 300
Other Notable Appearances: Four Brothers, Strip# 300, The Golden Compass, Rambo, Untraceable, The Ladies of Max Paybe
Palpatine – Former Senator, Emperor of the Galactic Empire, Sith Lord... He shows up in the Joe Loves Crappy movies galaxy on occasion to let people know that they’re being stupid. No one’s really sure how he shows up in this universe but chances are it breaks all kinds of copywrite laws.
First Appearance - Episode III: The Dark Side
Other Notable Appearances: Four Brothers, Night Watch, Saw 3, Are We Done Yet
Slow Billy – Billy is a sweet kid but he’s not the sharpest tool in the shed. If you’re watching him for the day be prepared to explain to him the plot of the movie or how popcorn works or, not so much where babies come from, but what babies are. He’s a complete moron.
First Appearance - Four Brothers
Other Notable Appearances: The Chronicles of Narnia, The Da Vinci Code, Vantage Point, Journey to the Center of the Earth
Kyle the Movie Snob – Be careful what fun facts about movies you tell your friends at a friendly gathering or in line for the latest blockbuster, because if you’re even slightly wrong, Kyle will be more than happy to let you know. He usually gets what’s coming to him though. Poor guy has cracked three ribs since joining the JLCM cast.
First Appearance - Ultraviolet
Other Notable Appearances: 16 Blocks, Pirates of the Caribbean: At World’s End, Transformers, Journey to the Center of the Earth
Jean-Luc Picard – Another lawsuit waiting to happen is Jean Luc Picard who, towards the end of the strip’s first year, became the go-to background character. If there was ever a seat to fill or a random person to place wandering around in the background, nine times out of ten it was Picard. While Picard has crossed paths with Irv he and Joe have never met. Perhaps they will some day but for now just can an eye on the background.
First Appearance - The Producers
Other Notable Appearances: I’m not telling you, that’s no fun. It’ like Where’s Waldo – go find him!
Ice Cream Sandwich – Delicious and… deadly? Usually when you see someone eating an Ice Cream sandwich, someone else is experiencing a substantial amount of pain. Still, how nice is an ice cream sandwich on a hot summer day?
First Appearance - Saw IV
Other Notable Appearances: Bee Movie, Run Fatboy Run, Saw V