Released: 09/1/06

Viewed: 10:10 pm 09/03/06

Starring: Nicholas Cage, Ellen Burstyn, Kate Beahan, Leelee Sobieski

Directed by: Neil LaBute

Warner Brothers Official Site of the movie

About the Comic: Ok, so this movie ends and Sam (brother-in-law/horror fan) and I are completely shell shocked over how bad it was and then the dedication comes up. “Dedicated to Johnny Ramone.� Pardon? Johnny Ramone as in the guitar player for the Ramones? The Wicker Man was dedicated to a Ramone? I guess?

I checked Wikipedia and it turns out Johnny is the one that introduced the original Wicker Man to Nick Cage so in some weird way it makes sense, but it still makes me scratch my head. Seriously? Johnny Ramone? I guess I wouldn’t question it so much if the movie was good. Oh well. On to the review:

There are dozens of reasons why The Wicker Man sucks. None of them have to do with the fact that it’s a remake, something far too common these days and rarely done well, but to call this an error on the attempted remake of a classic is far too kind on wooden acting, sluggish pacing, and senseless direction. The Wicker Man fumbled through all of those essentials and shamelessly couldn’t even get this “horror� movie even relatively close to horrific. It’s a sad day when a loud dial tone passes for a scary moment.

The Wicker Man stars Nicolas Cage as Edward Malus, a police officer who has lost the will to live after being unable to save a mother and daughter from a fatal car accident. While dealing with his grief he receives a letter from an ex-fiancé (the very fetching Kate Beahan) pleading for his help to find her lost daughter. Edward reluctantly accepts and makes his way to the privately owned island where the two reside in a pagan feminist community, only to find a mysterious civilization that has as many secrets as they have weird bonnets.

When did bonnets go out of style?

I sort of wish I was ready for the bonnets and the minimalist lifestyle element of the film, but to be honest it sort of through me for a loop. Still, it presented an opportunity to have Cage riding a bike through the woods, and for him to run around in a bear costume, (both laugh out loud funny) and how often in your life does that really come up? If only Cage, as the bear, had decided to ride the bicycle. This would have been the number 1 comedy of the year!

For the record, that set up is a lot like the original which has a Scottish police sergeant drawn into a pagan society where he meets Christopher Lee (awesome), the leader of the civilization and mastermind behind their mysterious ways. Writer/director Neil LaBute replaced Lee’s character with Ellen Burstyn and added the feminist spin on the tale, which to me isn’t such a bad idea. I think it actually helps to reinforce the twist ending, which I won’t reveal here but will say is, a clever idea that (like the rest of the film) is poorly revealed. It would have had some nice impact had any of what led up to it been compelling whatsoever.

And I think that’s the problem. This revamp of The Wicker Man is a solid idea, even as remakes go, but that’s all it is. And a great movie is so much more then just a great idea.

The acting all around is a mess, and it pains me to say that because I’m a big fan of Nick Cage. I think he’s got a great eye for crowd-pleasing action and critic-pleasing characters. From Adaptation to National Treasure, the guy knows how to make a good movie. In The Wicker Man, I don’t know if it’s all the overdone performances around him but Cage goes big and he goes hard. And it’s bad.

One choice he made with his character that I didn’t think quite fit was a short temper and aggressive tendencies. I’m not an idiot, I realize that his false sense of security as a man and police officer, adds another dimension to the overall story of a society of woman that don’t need men. Not only that but his character is naturally going to be on edge because he’s looking for a lost child, and he’s smart enough to know these people are lying to him, but he just keeps pushing harder. If he were smart he would have played them right back, instead his aggressiveness comes off like a pouting child that doesn’t get what he wants. Everyone knows you catch more flies with honey, but this characters allergic to bees so… well, there you have it.

Bad acting in a good structured story is one thing but there are a lot of unnecessary scenes added in that quickly become ridiculous. The last 20 minutes in particular has so many “What the hell!?� moments that you’ll be fighting back your laughter just so you don’t miss any of the “jokes�. Now, just to be clear, these aren’t moments like, “What the hell!? Vader is Luke’s Father!?� or “What the Hell!? Norton and Pitt are the same dude!?� It’s more, “What the hell!? Did he just punch a lady?� Seriously. It’s fantastically insane. If I listed these moments and presented them to the filmmakers I’m sure they could come up with their explanations but it doesn’t make them play out any better. Cage franticly running around town, knocking down doors like a madman is supposed to feel like the last attempt of a desperate man, but it came off much more as the last attempt of a desperate filmmaker who didn’t know how to advance the story.

Bad acting and sloppy storytelling is a dangerous combo but a few real scares could have kept the tone intact and the pacing brisk. But they just aren’t there. I want to blame the lack of scares on its PG-13 rating, but the truth is, you can get away with a lot these days in PG-13 films. No blood and guts or anything too graphic, but certainly something more terrifying than an old woman asking you a question or a ravenous pack of bees. I don’t care if you are allergic to bees. If you are allergic to bees, don’t go near BEES. Problem solved.

The best (funniest) false fright in the movie is this set of deformed twins that talk in unison. This pair of elderly wall-eyed women were scary enough in LaBute’s mind to justify them popping up half a dozen times in the film. But they never come off as scary as much as they are creepy, which in and of itself is fine - creepy certainly sets the tone and allows for real horror to develop, but these two keep coming back. And the more they turn up the more you get used to them, and the funnier they become. At one point Cage is yelling at a crowd of people to “back up� and the gruesome twosome pipe in with some prophetic nonsense, and Cage turns to them specifically and yells, “BACK OFF!� And it’s HYSTERICAL. I couldn’t contain myself. I have no idea why but it wasn’t just me, it was the entire theater. And believe me, it was not the best moment in the movie to lose the audience in a fit of laughter, but really… it doesn’t matter. We were long gone by that point anyway.

While I think story of The Wicker Man is far from bad, it’s told SO poorly that I couldn’t possibly recommend it. If you’re a fan of horror, just rent the original. I’ve never seen it but there’s no way it’s as bad as this one. If you’re a fan of making fun of movies, then hit the ATM and make your way to the multiplex because this pile of kindling is easy pickin’s

Rating: 1 out of 10

This is hands down the worst movie I’ve seen since starting JLCM and while I expected it to suck my socks off, there’s no way I could have anticipated this level of hot air. And you know what, it sucks, because the movie did Ok. People went to see it and other Cage movies like last falls Lord of War and The Weather Man, that are actually GOOD, fell completely through the cracks and went unseen. It just bums me out.

But I’m willing to let it go and look forward to Cage in the future. I have high hopes for next years Ghost Rider which looks a little lame, but has some potential. Knock on wood.

DVD Worthy?:

There is no way.

I might recommend it as a rental if you and your friends are in a mood to really tear a movie a part and laugh your asses off. But for what it’s intended to be, an edgy thriller with a haunting mystery, The Wicker Man is a mistake of a film.

If you liked this movie check out: The Village

I was at such a loss for a recommendation based on The Wicker Man that I turned to IMDB’s recommendation page. There are a couple of good suggestions there, I mean if you’re looking for a horror/mystery featuring a creepy kid then Silent Hill is certainly a good choice, but based on what kind of movie The Wicker Man is trying to be, I thought The Village was a closer match.

In its heart, The Wicker Man desperately wants to be a serious story about manipulation and beliefs intended to chill you to the bone with its horrific imagery, subject matter, and twist ending. It’s very clear that this was the goal but it falls far short.

The Village, the fourth film from director M. Night Shyamalan, manages to cover all that The Wicker Man aspired to, including the creepy olden days way of life. Even as a horror film with fear and tension throughout, the Village still has an air of respectability. It’s a serious movie that just happens to be about monsters in the woods. I get the feeling that The Wicker Man wanted the same tone, based on how they tip toed around easy scares and cheap thrills.

While the Village certainly isn’t Shyamalan’s best film or his best twist ending, it’s far from bad. I think the movie has a lot of good things to say, and the importance of beliefs and manipulation are strongly represented. Far stronger than in The Wicker Man.

Trailer Hitch: The Return

My Brother, Mitch Clem, started a new comic updating every Wednesday called Kittens. So far it’s just cats chasing bubbles but he drew a lot of cats during his month at Joe and Monkey and that was pretty cool. What bothers me though is that this is clearly a ploy to take over Wednesdays, and I have a comic that updates on Wednesdays. So are the rest of us with Wednesday comics expected to just sit back and watch while Mitch and his bubble hugging pussys take over our day. I think not. This means war!

Or not. It’s been a weird week and I’m not really all about “war� right now. Maybe later in the month.

In all seriousness I have to give credit where credit is due. Mitch has announced that he’s quitting his job and making a full go at art as his full source of income. It’s something I’ve dreamt about doing for years but haven’t even come close to. Good luck Mitch. You can do it!

Speaking of achievements I’ll never fulfill, today Tom Brazelbomb from Theater Hopper announced presales on Theater Hopper: Year Two, with a killer cover parodying the Ghostbusters 2 poster. He’s got a nice deal right now if you buy both books, including a chance to win a rare homemade Truman the dog doll. But you don’t need me to push it down your throat, the strip’s good, the first collection’s commentaries added so much to the experience, and Tom’s a decent guy. Do the right thing. Support independent comics.

A couple of weeks ago I teased you with the promise of a story about my experience with Theater Hopper: Year one, and now’s as good a time as any to tell that story, I suppose.

Like any solid Theater Hopper fan, when the presale on year one was announced back this past spring, I jumped on it and laid down my 20 dollars with full knowledge that the book wouldn’t be released until late summer. There’s something nice about supporting the comics you love, so even though there would be no return for some time, it was still a worthy purchase in my mind. I think a lot of people feel that way, and I hope a lot of YOU feel that way if I ever manage to scrape a JLCM book together.

Tom announced shortly after that the book would debut at Wizard World Chicago, which worked out great for me because I was scheduled to sit down next to him for three days at that show. The book was so close I could taste it! And it tasted like cookies!

On Friday, the first day of the show, I flipped through the book and watched as Tom drew sketches inside as people purchased them. He did a lot of drawings of the characters heads or of them waving or something. When asked he would draw something on request, I specifically remember him having to draw Tom being chased by Jason Voorhees twice, because he gave the first one away by mistake. So near the middle of the first day I said to Tom, “Dude, I don’t care what you draw in my copy but it has to be EPIC. Something big, like… like Truman and Cami fighting on top of a mountain.� We laughed and joked about it for a while and I told him there was no hurry, that I wanted him to take his time and think about it. After all, we had the whole weekend.

On Sunday, the last day of the show, I was anxious for a hint at what marvelous masterpiece he was cooking up. “Is it epic? It’s got to be epic!� His aloofness quickly made it clear that I would not be leaving Wizard World Chicago with my copy of Theater Hopper: Year One. At the time, I admit I was pretty pissed. Like anyone, I was looking forward to it, and it was hard for me to come to grips with the idea that there were hundreds of copies RIGHT THERE, and that I wouldn’t be leaving with the one I paid for 4 months ago. Tom would eventually explain that he didn’t want to rush the sketch. That he wanted to put in the time with it, and believe me, I can relate to that, but the damage was done. I had built it up in my head. I tried to let it slide, but I really was bummed out.

A couple of weeks later while sitting at home sticking pins in my Tom voodoo doll, Yeo came home with a slip form the post office saying there was a package there for me. I scowled and said “Hmmph! I bet it’s the Theater Hopper book. I’m not even sure I want it anymore.� Well, it was a little less dramatic then that, I was still really curious about how the commentaries turned out.

I trotted down to the post office and it was in fact the Theater Hopper book. Opening the package as I returned home I pulled out the book and examined it. I shoved the envelope under my arm and held the book with both hands, treating it with care as if opening it was like opening the Ark of the Covenant. I looked at it for a moment wondering what the sketch inside would reveal. Staring at the cover I said out loud, “This better be fucking epic.� And I dove right in to opening the book.

The finished sketch… Epic. I laughed out loud and tucked the book back in its envelope determined to return home and take a couple of pins out of the voodoo doll. Well played, Brazelton. This round goes to Theater Hopper.

Be sure to pick up both Year One and Year Two of the Theatre Hopper collection. Both available for only 25 dollars for a limited time.