Love crappy movies but are too ashamed to admit it? Are you a big Rob Schneider fan but you're tired of being burned? Not sure if you want to waste your money on the same old movie? That's why you have Joe.
Joe Loves Crappy Movies is by Joseph Dunn. Joe willingly goes to see the very worst that Hollywood has to offer. Whenever a crappy movie comes out Joe will be there to see it, make fun of it, and actually review it. Nothing is safe, and nothing is sacred. From the big budget action disasters to the low brow fart based comedies, to anything starring Martin Lawrence? Joe will tear it apart.
With each entry you'll get not only a comic poking fun at the movie, but also a detailed review. Joe's not educated in film or cinematography or acting, he's just a guy that draws comics and likes movies. So if you're looking for the everyman perspective and a little joke in comic form... you're in the right place.
The Adventures of Shark Boy and Lava Girl in 3-D
Released: 6/10/05
Viewed: 2:40pm 6/10/05
Starring: Taylor Dooley, Taylor Lautner, Cayden Boyd, Geore Lopez, Kristen Davis, David Arquette
Directed by: Robert Rodriguez
The movie sounds ridiculous. Like random words picked out of the dictionary clumsily slapped together with genders to create a title. What's more is ? I don't know these kids. Who did they get to play Lava girl? It's not Dakota Fanning. And surely they got the young Haley Joel Osment to play Shark boy. The role he was born to play. Guess again! Is Osment even a child anymore. Is he still acting. I bet he's a lawyer. Honestly Fanning is so in demand right now I'm surprised they didn't get her to play Shark Boy. She's THAT versatile!
But thank god, they didn't. Director Robert Rodriguez really dug up a couple of kids to fill these roles. And it shouldn't be that surprising. He did it 5 years ago with the Spy Kids movies, casting two unknowns that did great jobs and achieved moderate success. Shark boy Taylor Lautner, and Lava GirlTaylor Dooley (yep, both named Taylor. Did I just blow your mind?) Both come out of nowhere and really become these characters. Dooley comes off very sweet and noble with her flaming pink hair and little overbite. With her sweet demeanor, and crooked smile she'll be the summer crush for many a 10 year old boys this year.
Lautner , while gruff and a little over rehearsed in his line readings, really shines with the action. This kid can move, and if it's not him doing the moves then bravo to the special effects crew because this kid is all over the place. Great stuff too. Some of it must have been wire work, but it's never obvious. There's no extreme back flips or torpedo style twirling that looks fake as hell, just knuckle busting fighting. I would call this kid out as one of our future action kings, if it weren't for the rapping sequence. No this isn't a musical, but Shark Boy sings. Feel free to take a wiz during that scene.
Unfortunately the other two featured child actors don't step up quite as well.
Cayden Boyd as our hero Max, does a fine job carrying the movie. Got to show respect for having the flow of the movie rest squarely on his shoulders. Poor guys in every scene. That's not easy. But you can tell he was cracking. When his deer friends are presumed dead he reads the lines of a soul lost in terror. But you don't feel it. In the final battle against bully Linus (played byJacob Davich) we have the two squaring off with cheesy catch phrases, and lame put downs. Delivered clumsily on both sides. They both have good scenes so I'm not sure if it was delivery of dialogue, but it felt off. But what the hell do I know, the kid behind me was freaking out. I'm sure where ever he is now he's saying some ridiculous catch phrase from this movie. But for me, it'll always be?. I'm Batman.
George Lopez fills the Cheech Marin shoes this time around playing 4 different parts by my count. He and his new kidney do a fine job. I like Lopez ? I think he's damn funny, so I won't say anymore. But I'll also admit that I like the Family Guy joke where Chris refuses to watch The George Lopez Show because it "furthers the stereotype that George Lopez is funny."
Ok, so it's a kids movie, led by a list of unknown child actors, with an insanely ridiculous title. What was the draw? Really it was the 3-D aspect. I haven't seen a 3-D movie since that Michael Jackson Captain Nemo garbage at Disney World. I missed out on Spy kids 3-D, partly because I'm a grown man and no one would see it with me, and partly because Spy Kids 2 was a miss. I'm a huge fan of Spy Kids 1. Refreshing and fun from start to finish. But 2 was a lot of good ideas poorly executed. Thankfully it was a step in the right direction with SB&LG.
TONS of great ideas matched with really great special effects. More the 80% of the movie is in 3-D but even without that, the effects are far and beyond better then past Rodriguez kids films. His trip to Sin City was an excellent breather it seems. But I'll stress the ideas. It's easy to make cool looking tornados and talking sharks, but if you've got no real ideas, you might as well call it and can it. Rodriguez and his writing staff really brain stormed a lot of fun ideas. Not a lot of movies take the time to really create a universe. They did. Way to go guys.
The 3-D itself seemed a little pointless. There were some great moments. The duel between Max and Linus, while filled with crap dialogue, was filled with some of the better use of 3-D effects including a brain storm, and a battle of whose pillar can grow taller. Ok, that sounds bad. The other stand out was the scene at the Ice tower. Crossing the bridge over a huge pit, you felt the space. It looked great. For the most part though we were treated to cookies being spit at us and Shark boy talking aggressively with his fists. I'd be interested in seeing the movie as a regular cut. I think it would bring some clarity.
5.5 out of 10 It's a good movie. There are a few questionable plot holes, but keep your pants on ? it's a freakin' kids movie. And I have to respect Robert Rodriguez's work ethic. Dude does EVERYTHING. Writing, directing, editing, shooting, composing. It's like he does this for fun instead of for a living. That's cool.
DVD worthy?:Nah. This is a great movie to watch if you have a kid. Mainly because to adults it's entertaining, and never really lagging, but I got too many kids DVD's as it is.
Trailer HitchTough to choose for this one. I got a sneak at a a couple great upcoming kids movies with sports themes. But for different sports.
The Bad News Bears remake with Billy Bob Thorton looks like some good fun. Thorton is enough to get my interest, but as far as I can tell, this is a by the books remake. Right down to how Kelly joins the team. Hopefully they'll have a few updated elements. There's a kid in a wheel chair with an eye patch. That's pretty cool.
The second kids sports trailer was Rebound with Martin Lawrence. LOVE Martin Lawrence. The man is way too funny. When I heard he was doing a kids movie I wasn't thrilled, but after my first look at this extended trailer I've got some hope. It's from the director of Daddy Day Care, which was actually pretty descent. And it looks to be a sweet inspirational story. Underdogs turn it around and help the coach straighten out his life at the same time. Basically the Bad News Bears except with basketball. Honestly, it doesn't look like it's for everybody, but I'll be there.
Joe – The creator of the strip who has embraced giving crappy movies the chance they deserve. Like the majority of the cast he’s obsessed with boobs.
First Appearance - The Introduction
Yeo – Yeo is Joe’s wife and often the voice of reason in the strip. Having her act rational allows the rest of the cast to embrace being in a comic strip which primarily involves randomly punching people, interacting with fictional characters and talking about boobs. Yeo is smart, beautiful and way too good for Joe. Don’t tip her off.
First Appearance - Fever Pitch
Irv – Joe’s movie-going sidekick who’s always down for watching Jason Statham crescent moon kick some thug through a plate glass window and getting some drinks before after and during a Vin Diesel movie. Like the majority of the cast he’s obsessed with boobs.
First Appearance - Ong-Bak: The Thai Warrior
Agent 337 George Jones – A government Agent that took over for Joe after he was bad-mouthing President Bush in the V for Vendetta strip. George ran the show for over a month bring a much needed sense of patriotism and justice to both the strips and reviews. He eventually got too attached to his work, empathizing with Joe’s plight to give crappy movies a fair shake. In a way he came to love crappy movies as well and was pushed out of the position. He spiraled out of control and ended up in prison. His adventures will be told in the limited series JLCM Presents: 337 Locked Up which is set to début Christmas of 09.
First Appearance - V for Vendetta
Other Notable Appearances: Stay Alive, Ice age 2, Larry the Cable Guy: Health Inspector, Slither, Here Comes Guest week, Let’s Go To Prison
Leonidas – The former king of Sparta who has traveled into the future and is having trouble coping with the modern times. Yelling loudly and kicking people into giant holes doesn’t really work the same way it did in the olden days. As time as gone by he’s adjusted but it’s a safe bet that he’s always one bad message away from throwing a spear through someone.
First Appearance - 300
Other Notable Appearances: Four Brothers, Strip# 300, The Golden Compass, Rambo, Untraceable, The Ladies of Max Paybe
Palpatine – Former Senator, Emperor of the Galactic Empire, Sith Lord... He shows up in the Joe Loves Crappy movies galaxy on occasion to let people know that they’re being stupid. No one’s really sure how he shows up in this universe but chances are it breaks all kinds of copywrite laws.
First Appearance - Episode III: The Dark Side
Other Notable Appearances: Four Brothers, Night Watch, Saw 3, Are We Done Yet
Slow Billy – Billy is a sweet kid but he’s not the sharpest tool in the shed. If you’re watching him for the day be prepared to explain to him the plot of the movie or how popcorn works or, not so much where babies come from, but what babies are. He’s a complete moron.
First Appearance - Four Brothers
Other Notable Appearances: The Chronicles of Narnia, The Da Vinci Code, Vantage Point, Journey to the Center of the Earth
Kyle the Movie Snob – Be careful what fun facts about movies you tell your friends at a friendly gathering or in line for the latest blockbuster, because if you’re even slightly wrong, Kyle will be more than happy to let you know. He usually gets what’s coming to him though. Poor guy has cracked three ribs since joining the JLCM cast.
First Appearance - Ultraviolet
Other Notable Appearances: 16 Blocks, Pirates of the Caribbean: At World’s End, Transformers, Journey to the Center of the Earth
Jean-Luc Picard – Another lawsuit waiting to happen is Jean Luc Picard who, towards the end of the strip’s first year, became the go-to background character. If there was ever a seat to fill or a random person to place wandering around in the background, nine times out of ten it was Picard. While Picard has crossed paths with Irv he and Joe have never met. Perhaps they will some day but for now just can an eye on the background.
First Appearance - The Producers
Other Notable Appearances: I’m not telling you, that’s no fun. It’ like Where’s Waldo – go find him!
Ice Cream Sandwich – Delicious and… deadly? Usually when you see someone eating an Ice Cream sandwich, someone else is experiencing a substantial amount of pain. Still, how nice is an ice cream sandwich on a hot summer day?
First Appearance - Saw IV
Other Notable Appearances: Bee Movie, Run Fatboy Run, Saw V
