Love crappy movies but are too ashamed to admit it? Are you a big Rob Schneider fan but you're tired of being burned? Not sure if you want to waste your money on the same old movie? That's why you have Joe.
Joe Loves Crappy Movies is by Joseph Dunn. Joe willingly goes to see the very worst that Hollywood has to offer. Whenever a crappy movie comes out Joe will be there to see it, make fun of it, and actually review it. Nothing is safe, and nothing is sacred. From the big budget action disasters to the low brow fart based comedies, to anything starring Martin Lawrence? Joe will tear it apart.
With each entry you'll get not only a comic poking fun at the movie, but also a detailed review. Joe's not educated in film or cinematography or acting, he's just a guy that draws comics and likes movies. So if you're looking for the everyman perspective and a little joke in comic form... you're in the right place.
The Benchwarmers
Released: 04/06/06
Viewed: 1:10pm 04/06/06
Starring: Rob Schneider, David Spade, Jon Heder, Jon Lovitz, Craig Kilborn, Reggie Jackson
Directed by: Dennis Dugan
Sony Pictures Official Site of the movie
Report from George Jones agent 337 11:29 04/10/06
The Benchwarmers continues the pain train of Adam Sandler’s production companyHappy Madison, as it reaches into the new year and smacks us in the teeth with disappointment. All the while making It’s fellow HM brothers from the last year Grandma’s Boy and Deuce Bigalo: European Gigolo look like pinnacle achievements of comedy and storytelling. They pull out every stop to make you feel for the nerd inside all of us, but you fell asleep half an hour ago so it never really resonates.
Benchwarmer’s makes watching baseball as entertaining as watching a painting of dogs playing poker. It’s a funny idea but as soon as you see the bulldog is bluffing, the thrill is gone. All the tension and excitement of America’s favorite past time are sucked out by the fact that 3 grown men are playing against children. Although Spade and Schneider height wise could technically qualify for “little” leaguers. And Heder’s impression of, what I can only guess is supposed to be a partially brain damaged, undeveloped hill person, could easily be described as “little”. It’s still stinks of vanity and bullying as adults demolish children in America’s favorite past time.
The most vile piece is that they try to make it out like they’re the good guys. That bullying the bullies is noble and just. But it’s still bullying. I personally have no problem with a little bullying. Bullying, or “tough love” as I call it, never hurt anyone. Gives people stronger character, thicker skin. It’s an ugly world people, and that’s a lot easier to see through the waist ban of a pair of tighty-whity’s stretched over the back of your head.
The most laughable thing in this movie is Schneider’s role as the man’s man of the group. He’s funny, smart, great at baseball… hell, he’s even banging Molly Sims. On what planet does that make any sense? Schneider is so cool and capable in Benchwarmers that he makes Spade and Heder look like Rob Schneider in any other movie. Yeah, that bad.
All of this could have been tolerable if there were big laughs. Anything that could distract us from the messy story, unbelievable scenarios and disrespectful use of Reggie Jackson. Sadly when it comes to lack of laughs, the Happy Madison Company turns into an old reliable source of dried up gags and gimmicks that fall flat in the silence of an audience drifting off to sleep. When a 4 year old doesn’t laugh at David Spade getting a rock hurled into his scrotum, then something is dreadfully wrong.
Rating: 5 out of 10
A bench full of good intentions but none strong enough to step up and play ball. I’m rating it middle of the road because there are a few good tips in this movie to up and coming bullies. Take what you’ve learned, find a nerd, and unleash hell.
DVD worthy?:
God, no. If I wanted to watch people get humiliated on a baseball diamond I would just got to a Met game.
Trailer Hitch: The Break Up
If the Failure to Launch strip showed us how whipped men are The Break Up will show us how to really behave. It doesn’t matter how hot women are, if they give you lip, you draw a line in the sand and make your stand!
Of course the Vince Vaughn character will inevitably buckle under the pressure and go running back to Aniston delivering a quick blow to the balls of every man out there. Because women run Hollywood too, and there’s nothing we can do about it.
If you liked this movie check out: Real Baseball
How about this: instead of me recommending another movie that will do little except add to the expansion of your ass, why not go outside and participate in some sporting activity yourself? You could use the exercise couldn’t you? Couldn’t you….?
Non movie related stuff:
Today we welcome back Drastic Comics as a returning sponsor. They must have seen that a real pro was running things now and wanted a piece of that action. Murray and Smyth recently took their slice of life with extra sideburns strip past the 100 mark. A hearty congratulation on that achievement, gentlemen. Do yourself a favor and join in on the fun.
Joe’s reviews continue to go up but it doesn’t concern me. The overwhelming support I’ve been receiving from readers indicates that none of you care about his reviews, or even care about his return at all. You’ve all got George Fever and I’m the only prescription. Beautiful.
So read his reviews if you must, but you all know whose in charge.
Also, if this comic wasn’t good enough for you there is a second Benchwarmers comic up over a Clickwheel featuring Brandon J. Carr. The second gives you a peek at Dunn’s day to day life in custody. But since mine went up first it’s the one that will remain up there forever. Dunn’s will have to settle for being exclusive to Clickwheel MWAHAHAHAHAHAAHA!
Joe – The creator of the strip who has embraced giving crappy movies the chance they deserve. Like the majority of the cast he’s obsessed with boobs.
First Appearance - The Introduction
Yeo – Yeo is Joe’s wife and often the voice of reason in the strip. Having her act rational allows the rest of the cast to embrace being in a comic strip which primarily involves randomly punching people, interacting with fictional characters and talking about boobs. Yeo is smart, beautiful and way too good for Joe. Don’t tip her off.
First Appearance - Fever Pitch
Irv – Joe’s movie-going sidekick who’s always down for watching Jason Statham crescent moon kick some thug through a plate glass window and getting some drinks before after and during a Vin Diesel movie. Like the majority of the cast he’s obsessed with boobs.
First Appearance - Ong-Bak: The Thai Warrior
Agent 337 George Jones – A government Agent that took over for Joe after he was bad-mouthing President Bush in the V for Vendetta strip. George ran the show for over a month bring a much needed sense of patriotism and justice to both the strips and reviews. He eventually got too attached to his work, empathizing with Joe’s plight to give crappy movies a fair shake. In a way he came to love crappy movies as well and was pushed out of the position. He spiraled out of control and ended up in prison. His adventures will be told in the limited series JLCM Presents: 337 Locked Up which is set to début Christmas of 09.
First Appearance - V for Vendetta
Other Notable Appearances: Stay Alive, Ice age 2, Larry the Cable Guy: Health Inspector, Slither, Here Comes Guest week, Let’s Go To Prison
Leonidas – The former king of Sparta who has traveled into the future and is having trouble coping with the modern times. Yelling loudly and kicking people into giant holes doesn’t really work the same way it did in the olden days. As time as gone by he’s adjusted but it’s a safe bet that he’s always one bad message away from throwing a spear through someone.
First Appearance - 300
Other Notable Appearances: Four Brothers, Strip# 300, The Golden Compass, Rambo, Untraceable, The Ladies of Max Paybe
Palpatine – Former Senator, Emperor of the Galactic Empire, Sith Lord... He shows up in the Joe Loves Crappy movies galaxy on occasion to let people know that they’re being stupid. No one’s really sure how he shows up in this universe but chances are it breaks all kinds of copywrite laws.
First Appearance - Episode III: The Dark Side
Other Notable Appearances: Four Brothers, Night Watch, Saw 3, Are We Done Yet
Slow Billy – Billy is a sweet kid but he’s not the sharpest tool in the shed. If you’re watching him for the day be prepared to explain to him the plot of the movie or how popcorn works or, not so much where babies come from, but what babies are. He’s a complete moron.
First Appearance - Four Brothers
Other Notable Appearances: The Chronicles of Narnia, The Da Vinci Code, Vantage Point, Journey to the Center of the Earth
Kyle the Movie Snob – Be careful what fun facts about movies you tell your friends at a friendly gathering or in line for the latest blockbuster, because if you’re even slightly wrong, Kyle will be more than happy to let you know. He usually gets what’s coming to him though. Poor guy has cracked three ribs since joining the JLCM cast.
First Appearance - Ultraviolet
Other Notable Appearances: 16 Blocks, Pirates of the Caribbean: At World’s End, Transformers, Journey to the Center of the Earth
Jean-Luc Picard – Another lawsuit waiting to happen is Jean Luc Picard who, towards the end of the strip’s first year, became the go-to background character. If there was ever a seat to fill or a random person to place wandering around in the background, nine times out of ten it was Picard. While Picard has crossed paths with Irv he and Joe have never met. Perhaps they will some day but for now just can an eye on the background.
First Appearance - The Producers
Other Notable Appearances: I’m not telling you, that’s no fun. It’ like Where’s Waldo – go find him!
Ice Cream Sandwich – Delicious and… deadly? Usually when you see someone eating an Ice Cream sandwich, someone else is experiencing a substantial amount of pain. Still, how nice is an ice cream sandwich on a hot summer day?
First Appearance - Saw IV
Other Notable Appearances: Bee Movie, Run Fatboy Run, Saw V
