Love crappy movies but are too ashamed to admit it? Are you a big Rob Schneider fan but you're tired of being burned? Not sure if you want to waste your money on the same old movie? That's why you have Joe.
Joe Loves Crappy Movies is by Joseph Dunn. Joe willingly goes to see the very worst that Hollywood has to offer. Whenever a crappy movie comes out Joe will be there to see it, make fun of it, and actually review it. Nothing is safe, and nothing is sacred. From the big budget action disasters to the low brow fart based comedies, to anything starring Martin Lawrence? Joe will tear it apart.
With each entry you'll get not only a comic poking fun at the movie, but also a detailed review. Joe's not educated in film or cinematography or acting, he's just a guy that draws comics and likes movies. So if you're looking for the everyman perspective and a little joke in comic form... you're in the right place.
Stay Alive
Released: 03/24/06
Viewed: 1:20pm 03/24/06
Starring: Jon Foster, Samaire Armstrong, Frankie Muniz, Sophia Bush, Jimmi Simpson, Adam Goldberg, Milo Ventimigilia
Directed by: William Brent Bell
Touchstone Pictures Official Site of the movie
Report from George Jones agent 337 11:58 03/26/06
Video games have made America soft. A once proud nation of doers has gotten fat and sloppy since the invention of the home video system. No reason for kids to go outside and play sports when they can be Reggie Jackson and Dick Butkus in their own living rooms. When I was a kid we didn't have video games. We grew up just fine playing with trucks, toy guns, and dead frogs. And we got healthy doing it. It was the American way to play. Don't believe me, go ahead and punch me in the stomach. Feel that? It's called America!
Stay Alive is a movie about a haunted video game. It reminds me of another game I played a long time ago where one of the rules was to "Stay Alive". We called that game Vietnam and despite what your crazy uncle Jester tells you ? we won.
Where was I? A yes, the haunted video game. Seems these kids find an untested game and play one evening. They soon learn that if you die in the game you die in real life. One by one these Generation Y stereotype placeholders drop like flies at the hands of the Blood Queen (an actual historical woman who ran a school for girls as a rouge to kidnap them and bathe in their blood).
Now that's a lady that knows how to party!
I'm not going to lie to you. The government has had something like this in development since the late 80's. It's a program called Project Deadweight, where in all video games are fitted with Blood Queen equivalents that efficiently take out slack ass losers that do nothing but play games all day long and drag down the economy. Who needs ?em? Let Qubert stomp them out. Sadly it turns out that some sort of magic or witchcraft or unicorn blood is needed to complete the process and 2 of those three things don't exist.
Even if we can't perfect it, it's nice to see Hollywood bring the idea to life. If anything the merciless gore and inconsistent special effects will scare newer potential gamers off of making home gaming a bad habit.
Rating: 6.5 out of 10
3 points for the Blood Queen, and 3.5 points for Frankie Muniz who never leaves a man behind. Way to go, Malcolm!
DVD worthy?:
Do you want this on DVD? Horror DVD's are for little boys, slack jawed lay abouts, and devil worshipers. Which one are you?
If you liked this movie check out: Duck Hunt
Forget movies, have you guys played this game before? It's awesome!
Non movie related stuff:
We discovered Joe's method of getting his own reviews up on the boards and I'm happy to report his messenger pigeon is dead. I killed him myself with a rubber band and my upper right wisdom tooth. The rat with wings was delicious. Good luck getting your next pack of lies online Dunn. I hope you've got some back-up's in your chicken coop.
Joe – The creator of the strip who has embraced giving crappy movies the chance they deserve. Like the majority of the cast he’s obsessed with boobs.
First Appearance - The Introduction
Yeo – Yeo is Joe’s wife and often the voice of reason in the strip. Having her act rational allows the rest of the cast to embrace being in a comic strip which primarily involves randomly punching people, interacting with fictional characters and talking about boobs. Yeo is smart, beautiful and way too good for Joe. Don’t tip her off.
First Appearance - Fever Pitch
Irv – Joe’s movie-going sidekick who’s always down for watching Jason Statham crescent moon kick some thug through a plate glass window and getting some drinks before after and during a Vin Diesel movie. Like the majority of the cast he’s obsessed with boobs.
First Appearance - Ong-Bak: The Thai Warrior
Agent 337 George Jones – A government Agent that took over for Joe after he was bad-mouthing President Bush in the V for Vendetta strip. George ran the show for over a month bring a much needed sense of patriotism and justice to both the strips and reviews. He eventually got too attached to his work, empathizing with Joe’s plight to give crappy movies a fair shake. In a way he came to love crappy movies as well and was pushed out of the position. He spiraled out of control and ended up in prison. His adventures will be told in the limited series JLCM Presents: 337 Locked Up which is set to début Christmas of 09.
First Appearance - V for Vendetta
Other Notable Appearances: Stay Alive, Ice age 2, Larry the Cable Guy: Health Inspector, Slither, Here Comes Guest week, Let’s Go To Prison
Leonidas – The former king of Sparta who has traveled into the future and is having trouble coping with the modern times. Yelling loudly and kicking people into giant holes doesn’t really work the same way it did in the olden days. As time as gone by he’s adjusted but it’s a safe bet that he’s always one bad message away from throwing a spear through someone.
First Appearance - 300
Other Notable Appearances: Four Brothers, Strip# 300, The Golden Compass, Rambo, Untraceable, The Ladies of Max Paybe
Palpatine – Former Senator, Emperor of the Galactic Empire, Sith Lord... He shows up in the Joe Loves Crappy movies galaxy on occasion to let people know that they’re being stupid. No one’s really sure how he shows up in this universe but chances are it breaks all kinds of copywrite laws.
First Appearance - Episode III: The Dark Side
Other Notable Appearances: Four Brothers, Night Watch, Saw 3, Are We Done Yet
Slow Billy – Billy is a sweet kid but he’s not the sharpest tool in the shed. If you’re watching him for the day be prepared to explain to him the plot of the movie or how popcorn works or, not so much where babies come from, but what babies are. He’s a complete moron.
First Appearance - Four Brothers
Other Notable Appearances: The Chronicles of Narnia, The Da Vinci Code, Vantage Point, Journey to the Center of the Earth
Kyle the Movie Snob – Be careful what fun facts about movies you tell your friends at a friendly gathering or in line for the latest blockbuster, because if you’re even slightly wrong, Kyle will be more than happy to let you know. He usually gets what’s coming to him though. Poor guy has cracked three ribs since joining the JLCM cast.
First Appearance - Ultraviolet
Other Notable Appearances: 16 Blocks, Pirates of the Caribbean: At World’s End, Transformers, Journey to the Center of the Earth
Jean-Luc Picard – Another lawsuit waiting to happen is Jean Luc Picard who, towards the end of the strip’s first year, became the go-to background character. If there was ever a seat to fill or a random person to place wandering around in the background, nine times out of ten it was Picard. While Picard has crossed paths with Irv he and Joe have never met. Perhaps they will some day but for now just can an eye on the background.
First Appearance - The Producers
Other Notable Appearances: I’m not telling you, that’s no fun. It’ like Where’s Waldo – go find him!
Ice Cream Sandwich – Delicious and… deadly? Usually when you see someone eating an Ice Cream sandwich, someone else is experiencing a substantial amount of pain. Still, how nice is an ice cream sandwich on a hot summer day?
First Appearance - Saw IV
Other Notable Appearances: Bee Movie, Run Fatboy Run, Saw V
