Love crappy movies but are too ashamed to admit it? Are you a big Rob Schneider fan but you're tired of being burned? Not sure if you want to waste your money on the same old movie? That's why you have Joe.
Joe Loves Crappy Movies is by Joseph Dunn. Joe willingly goes to see the very worst that Hollywood has to offer. Whenever a crappy movie comes out Joe will be there to see it, make fun of it, and actually review it. Nothing is safe, and nothing is sacred. From the big budget action disasters to the low brow fart based comedies, to anything starring Martin Lawrence? Joe will tear it apart.
With each entry you'll get not only a comic poking fun at the movie, but also a detailed review. Joe's not educated in film or cinematography or acting, he's just a guy that draws comics and likes movies. So if you're looking for the everyman perspective and a little joke in comic form... you're in the right place.
Find Me Guilty
Released: 03/17/06
Viewed: 4:45pm 03/23/06
Starring: Vin Diesel, Peter Dinklage, Linus Roache, Alex Rocco
Directed by: Sidney Lumet
Official Site of the movie
Report from George Jones agent 337 10:17 03/23/06
Normally a movie about the judicial system will give me a patriotic boner. Regrettably tonight that was not the case. Find Me Guilty is the first Vin Diesel movie, as a matter of fact, that hasn't come close to giving me any kind of boner. Is it wrong that I expect a certain amount of explosions from every Vin Diesel movie? The Pacifier was barely acceptable. I'll tell you to your face Vin, that duck saved that piece of crap, poor man's Kindergarten Cop, from being a complete disaster. So when hour 2 rolled around in this bland wise guy courtroom dramedy, and there were still no explosions, I was out for blood.
Things kick off promisingly as Diesel's character Jack DiNorscio gets shot 4 times in his bedroom. The action starts and stops right there. Unless you consider idiotic courtroom banter and old guys falling out of bed action. If you do, then hold on to your seats because you're about to go into action heaven ? full speed. Enjoy your trip, grandpa!
Not to say that court and law cannot be entertaining things. Nothing gets the hair on my ass to stand at attention like seeing a guilty crook served up a steaming pile of liberty with a side of "in your face vagrant!" But no movie, ever, has come close to capturing that emotion on film. The reason why is because the fat lazy liberals in Hollywood always side with the bleeding heart sob story and end up vilifying big corporate America (AKA the U.S. Government). We're good to you. We give you cheese when you have none! Do you not get that!? You think we have trees on the white house lawn that literally grow materials to make food stamps? Do you?
Find Me Guilty is no different. DiNorscio and "family" are charged with over 70 acts of crime and are forced to defend themselves. I support their right to do so. The judicial system is set up for just that purpose, but are we as an audience supposed to blindly side with them and just ignore the fact that they're actually guilty?
The courtroom scenes range from touching to abusively drawn out. The dialogue is taken directly from the court records of the real life case so I'm assuming they stay true to that, which explains the length. Regrettably even the moments that work quite well, never reach a point of true tension or true emotion. Even as DiNorscio faces the man that ratted them out, you can feel his heart breaking, but you're not invested enough where you mind.
To Diesle's credit he's quite good in the role. The awkward wig and nasal droll hide the Diesel that's been giving us those action boners for the last 5 years. He really does consume the character and I admit that it was an unexpected, pleasant surprise.
I also enjoyed some strong supporting work from Alex Rocco as the mob boss that doesn't care what you think, and Linus Roache the prosecuting attorney that strikes out at the criminal element with a noble cry and a twinkle of national pride, as the sun washes over he proud Arian main. In addition, I was additionally impressed by Peter Dinklage who plays Ben Klandis, one of the lead defense attorneys. Dinklage is a little person and I have to say he was one funny midget. If he were in the circus I would give serious thought to quitting my job and following Barnum and Bailey around the country. Keep your eye on him. If he learns to juggle he'll really be going places.
Find me Guilty by and large was a bit of a disappointment considering the star and the subject matter. When I hear "Vin Diesel" and "Law" I think "Ka-BOOM!" Instead we get Ka-Boring.
Rating: 5 out of 10
I'm giving it an average rating because above all I support justice and the system this great country has established. Bad toupee or not, we have to support the system!
DVD worthy?:
If you liked this movie check out: Any episode of The Practice
Choose any episode of The Practice at random and you'll have an extremely good chance of finding a courtroom scene with more drama than Find Me Guilty. And it's always fun to watch the whiney defense attorney scum squirm under the pressure of justice!
Trailer Hitch: Waist Deep
This movie's tag line glorifies it as a "modern day Bonnie and Clyde". Well guess what? Just because it's modern and all hip-hopped up doesn't change the fact that Bonnie and Clyde were ruthless, spineless criminals that ended up dead. Good luck with that.
Vote Bonus:
Still no activity on the top 100 site? I've made the arrangements. The appropriate people will bleed.
Non movie related stuff:
There's been quite a response over in the George Loves Crappy Movies thread of the forum. Lots of support from fine Americans like Kimmo Lemetti who somehow captured my bold jaw in this post modern Cezanneiean digital painting. I usually don't go for something as girly as art, but how can I resist when the subject matter is so appealing. Well done, citizen. I'll see that your phone taps are disconnected.
As was expected there has been an uprising for the return of Mr. Dunn inspiring some rebel propaganda from some of the forum regulars. Fear not because their attempts will be squashed, and even though Dunn's review of She's the Man somehow made it onto the boards, it will only keep them motivated for so long. No doubt his review for Find me Guilty will also show up soon. I greatly look forward to the day when my boot shall meet his chin.
What side do you favor? Joe Dunn? or your country?
Joe – The creator of the strip who has embraced giving crappy movies the chance they deserve. Like the majority of the cast he’s obsessed with boobs.
First Appearance - The Introduction
Yeo – Yeo is Joe’s wife and often the voice of reason in the strip. Having her act rational allows the rest of the cast to embrace being in a comic strip which primarily involves randomly punching people, interacting with fictional characters and talking about boobs. Yeo is smart, beautiful and way too good for Joe. Don’t tip her off.
First Appearance - Fever Pitch
Irv – Joe’s movie-going sidekick who’s always down for watching Jason Statham crescent moon kick some thug through a plate glass window and getting some drinks before after and during a Vin Diesel movie. Like the majority of the cast he’s obsessed with boobs.
First Appearance - Ong-Bak: The Thai Warrior
Agent 337 George Jones – A government Agent that took over for Joe after he was bad-mouthing President Bush in the V for Vendetta strip. George ran the show for over a month bring a much needed sense of patriotism and justice to both the strips and reviews. He eventually got too attached to his work, empathizing with Joe’s plight to give crappy movies a fair shake. In a way he came to love crappy movies as well and was pushed out of the position. He spiraled out of control and ended up in prison. His adventures will be told in the limited series JLCM Presents: 337 Locked Up which is set to début Christmas of 09.
First Appearance - V for Vendetta
Other Notable Appearances: Stay Alive, Ice age 2, Larry the Cable Guy: Health Inspector, Slither, Here Comes Guest week, Let’s Go To Prison
Leonidas – The former king of Sparta who has traveled into the future and is having trouble coping with the modern times. Yelling loudly and kicking people into giant holes doesn’t really work the same way it did in the olden days. As time as gone by he’s adjusted but it’s a safe bet that he’s always one bad message away from throwing a spear through someone.
First Appearance - 300
Other Notable Appearances: Four Brothers, Strip# 300, The Golden Compass, Rambo, Untraceable, The Ladies of Max Paybe
Palpatine – Former Senator, Emperor of the Galactic Empire, Sith Lord... He shows up in the Joe Loves Crappy movies galaxy on occasion to let people know that they’re being stupid. No one’s really sure how he shows up in this universe but chances are it breaks all kinds of copywrite laws.
First Appearance - Episode III: The Dark Side
Other Notable Appearances: Four Brothers, Night Watch, Saw 3, Are We Done Yet
Slow Billy – Billy is a sweet kid but he’s not the sharpest tool in the shed. If you’re watching him for the day be prepared to explain to him the plot of the movie or how popcorn works or, not so much where babies come from, but what babies are. He’s a complete moron.
First Appearance - Four Brothers
Other Notable Appearances: The Chronicles of Narnia, The Da Vinci Code, Vantage Point, Journey to the Center of the Earth
Kyle the Movie Snob – Be careful what fun facts about movies you tell your friends at a friendly gathering or in line for the latest blockbuster, because if you’re even slightly wrong, Kyle will be more than happy to let you know. He usually gets what’s coming to him though. Poor guy has cracked three ribs since joining the JLCM cast.
First Appearance - Ultraviolet
Other Notable Appearances: 16 Blocks, Pirates of the Caribbean: At World’s End, Transformers, Journey to the Center of the Earth
Jean-Luc Picard – Another lawsuit waiting to happen is Jean Luc Picard who, towards the end of the strip’s first year, became the go-to background character. If there was ever a seat to fill or a random person to place wandering around in the background, nine times out of ten it was Picard. While Picard has crossed paths with Irv he and Joe have never met. Perhaps they will some day but for now just can an eye on the background.
First Appearance - The Producers
Other Notable Appearances: I’m not telling you, that’s no fun. It’ like Where’s Waldo – go find him!
Ice Cream Sandwich – Delicious and… deadly? Usually when you see someone eating an Ice Cream sandwich, someone else is experiencing a substantial amount of pain. Still, how nice is an ice cream sandwich on a hot summer day?
First Appearance - Saw IV
Other Notable Appearances: Bee Movie, Run Fatboy Run, Saw V
