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Love crappy movies but are too ashamed to admit it? Are you a big Rob Schneider fan but you're tired of being burned? Not sure if you want to waste your money on the same old movie? That's why you have Joe.

Joe Loves Crappy Movies is by Joseph Dunn. Joe willingly goes to see the very worst that Hollywood has to offer. Whenever a crappy movie comes out Joe will be there to see it, make fun of it, and actually review it. Nothing is safe, and nothing is sacred. From the big budget action disasters to the low brow fart based comedies, to anything starring Martin Lawrence? Joe will tear it apart.

With each entry you'll get not only a comic poking fun at the movie, but also a detailed review. Joe's not educated in film or cinematography or acting, he's just a guy that draws comics and likes movies. So if you're looking for the everyman perspective and a little joke in comic form... you're in the right place.

The New World

Released: 02/20/06

Viewed: 2:45pm 01/20/06

Starring: Colin Farrell, Q'Orianka Kilcher, Christian Bale

Directed by: Terrance Malick

New Line Cinema Official Site of the movie

For some reason, The New World doesn't seem real. I mean, I was aware of it, I knew it was coming out, but it seemed to come out to no acclaim, no press, no attention, no reviews, no Colin Farrell on Conan? It was just all of the sudden there. I can't say this helped with my expectations of the film. From the big scale look of it I projected it to be an Oscar contender, but no attention means no awards.

I was really surprised when the movie turned out to be a carefully mastered love story with strong yet subtle acting, and some of the best editing I've seen since starting Joe Loves Crappy Movies. It's a shame it's not getting a lot of attention.

Truth be told the editing is what sold me on the movie. From the get go it's distinctive and exceptional to the point where it stands out form the rest of the film and makes an impression. Often that's not a good sign. For instance if you notice how good the score to a film is, you're not paying attention to the story. Music and sound and editing are all supposed to be secondary and are meant to do nothing but emphasize the story. So any other day this would be a red mark, but the use of editing in the New World as an element of time was a rare treat.

You see - there are moments in the movie that are meant to represent long periods of time. Long periods of time in which our two stars John Smith and Pocahontas are shown falling in love. To believe that they are falling in love we have to believe that time is passing, and that may seem like an easy thing to do, except these people don't speak the same language. What could so easily be accomplished with a conversation about what she wore "last week" now has to be done with looks and expressions.

I suppose they could have shown the passing of time with the obvious markers like the changing of the seasons. Instead, through editing, we see short glimpses into their days over the 3-month period. 5 seconds of him seeing her play with the children. 1 second of them fishing. 2 seconds of them walking on the beach. There was this consistent jumping that would force you to move on with the story. It forced you to accept what had happened as a larger event, and focus on the new event. Explaining it now, it sounds like a jarring experience but it was so beautiful and really made an impression on me. I felt like I'd spent 2 months with them after only half an hours worth of film.

Partial credit for this working successfully has to go to the two actors because "looks" and "expressions" are great ideas on the page, but they're non-existent if you don't have the talent to pull it off.

Farrell does a remarkable job as John Smith. I admit, I thought that this was him taking a shot at the awards. You can tell he wants one. He wants it more than Hanks did in the 90's. More than Crowe did before Gladiator. Hell, even after Galdiator. Last years effort, Oliver Stone's Alexander, ended in disaster both critically and commercially. I saw it, and thought it was pretty interesting, but flawed and perhaps too high concept. Not what people were looking for. I sort of expected a similar experience with The New World but it was very much different.

What's interesting about Colin's performance is that there's almost no dialogue. He and Q'Orianka Kilcher (who plays Pocahontas) spend I would say close to 60% of their time on screen not talking. They're forced to rely on true skill to move the scenes along. My description sounds very method, very "I'm a tree" sort of acting. But it was incredible to watch.

Kilcher at the time of filming was 14 years old. After the initial shock and quick math to figure out how old Colin was when she was born, it sinks in that this kid is seriously talented. No joke, she's one hell of a find. I kept thinking that if she's this good this young, then she'll be a true force when she's old enough to actually kiss her costars on screen. It's true, you never see their lips touch, but somehow you still believe the love.

Along with the ending these things above were the most interesting things about the film to me. I'm sure I could go into historical accuracy or how the Native Americans were somehow misrepresented but I feel no need to. This may be an accurate representation, I don't know. Truth is it doesn't matter. You can strip away all the trimmings and the story will still be the same. All you need is love.

Without getting into spoilers I need to talk about the ending. Many of you may have heard rumors that it's unexpected or shocking or a let down. It is without a doubt unexpected. You watch the movie and get wrapped up in it, and you forget that it's based on actual events. There's a way it's "supposed" to end because that is the way all happy movies end. And when it takes a different turn it's a very sour shock.

I was almost viciously angry about it at the time, but as the movie wound down it got me thinking about life and love and how love can be different. Made me think about high school love, and crushes, and that girl in my art history class with the red tank top. Then true love, comfort, and stability. What wins out? What's real? Can you have both?

So even though the ending twisted me upside down it had me asking all the right questions. It had me thinking. I had way more reflection on life after watching The New World, than I did after watching Big Momma's House 2. And in the long run, those thoughts are much more satisfying than the ending I thought I wanted. 8 out of 10. I was just completely taken in by it. I can't think of anything in the story that was profound or enlightening or insightful, but I enjoyed every second of it. But I say wait to rent. I feel bad giving out bad advice and this is a movie that you'll either love or hate. I'd rather you save a couple bucks if you're taking my word for it.

DVD worthy?: Nah. I'd like Yeo to see it though because I'd actually be interested in discussing it with someone. But I've no need to own it.

If you liked this movie check out: Titanic

As corny a choice as Titanic is, it's actually a pretty good fit. Both are mammoth epics. Both are, at their core, love stories that have unanticipated endings. Different endings, but definitely unexpected. There's a certain way you expected most loves stories to finish, and I think the direction each of these choose shows an incredible amount of maturity to realism and art.

I have my own personal problems with Titanic, but it's far from a bad movie. Any movie that makes a bajillion-trillion dollars must be doing something right.

Trailer Hitch: A scanner Darkly

A now for something completely different? A Scanner Darkly. From the mind of Philip K. Dick and the eye of Richard Linklater comes the story of a future society filled with government spies. I love Philip's stories so I have no fear there. Linklater can tell a good tale, but the real mind warp for this movie is its presentation. It's all filmed animation, meaning they shot a movie and then had animators come in and "draw" right over the existing footage.

This method has been used in a few recent TV commercials and in Linklater's 2001 critical hit Waking Life. The resulting footage is weird, but interesting. It's eerily recognizable. Before they even say it's Keanue you can tell it's him. You're spotting them left and right. "That's Winona Ryder and holy crap! Woody Harrolson!" It's a very strange thing to watch in a 3-minute trailer, I can't imagine how a 2-hour movie will be. I'm extremely interested in how the animated technology will fit with the hyper sci-fi story line. Either way, I'll make fun of it in the comic.

Today's incentive is the dangerous basket of puppies But don't forget to vote everyday! The month long event Joe Loses an Eye wages on with updates every weekday. In fact this image of Pocohantas will only be up until 1 pm. Then I'm switching over to Joe Loses an Eye # 5. 2 incentives in one day! Can you handle it!?

Non movie related stuff:

The response to the incentive bundle and the Constantine comic over at Clickwheel has been awesome, so you'll definitely see more special comics and more incentive bundles there soon. Possibly even a grouping of the Secret tales of Super Hero Virginity from way back in September.

Huge thanks again to the good folks at Neo Monster Island who spent the last 2 weeks advertising with us. Even kicking our asses on the Top web comics list! But it's ok, I'm so thrilled they decided to advertise with us, and I hope it worked out as well for them. I mean, we're pretty cheap to advertise with, but I still hope they got more than their monies worth.

Joe – The creator of the strip who has embraced giving crappy movies the chance they deserve. Like the majority of the cast he’s obsessed with boobs.

First Appearance - The Introduction

Yeo – Yeo is Joe’s wife and often the voice of reason in the strip. Having her act rational allows the rest of the cast to embrace being in a comic strip which primarily involves randomly punching people, interacting with fictional characters and talking about boobs. Yeo is smart, beautiful and way too good for Joe. Don’t tip her off.

First Appearance - Fever Pitch

Irv – Joe’s movie-going sidekick who’s always down for watching Jason Statham crescent moon kick some thug through a plate glass window and getting some drinks before after and during a Vin Diesel movie. Like the majority of the cast he’s obsessed with boobs.

First Appearance - Ong-Bak: The Thai Warrior

Agent 337 George Jones – A government Agent that took over for Joe after he was bad-mouthing President Bush in the V for Vendetta strip. George ran the show for over a month bring a much needed sense of patriotism and justice to both the strips and reviews. He eventually got too attached to his work, empathizing with Joe’s plight to give crappy movies a fair shake. In a way he came to love crappy movies as well and was pushed out of the position. He spiraled out of control and ended up in prison. His adventures will be told in the limited series JLCM Presents: 337 Locked Up which is set to début Christmas of 09.

First Appearance - V for Vendetta

Other Notable Appearances: Stay Alive, Ice age 2, Larry the Cable Guy: Health Inspector, Slither, Here Comes Guest week, Let’s Go To Prison

Leonidas – The former king of Sparta who has traveled into the future and is having trouble coping with the modern times. Yelling loudly and kicking people into giant holes doesn’t really work the same way it did in the olden days. As time as gone by he’s adjusted but it’s a safe bet that he’s always one bad message away from throwing a spear through someone.

First Appearance - 300

Other Notable Appearances: Four Brothers, Strip# 300, The Golden Compass, Rambo, Untraceable, The Ladies of Max Paybe

Palpatine – Former Senator, Emperor of the Galactic Empire, Sith Lord... He shows up in the Joe Loves Crappy movies galaxy on occasion to let people know that they’re being stupid. No one’s really sure how he shows up in this universe but chances are it breaks all kinds of copywrite laws.

First Appearance - Episode III: The Dark Side

Other Notable Appearances: Four Brothers, Night Watch, Saw 3, Are We Done Yet

Slow Billy – Billy is a sweet kid but he’s not the sharpest tool in the shed. If you’re watching him for the day be prepared to explain to him the plot of the movie or how popcorn works or, not so much where babies come from, but what babies are. He’s a complete moron.

First Appearance - Four Brothers

Other Notable Appearances: The Chronicles of Narnia, The Da Vinci Code, Vantage Point, Journey to the Center of the Earth

Kyle the Movie Snob – Be careful what fun facts about movies you tell your friends at a friendly gathering or in line for the latest blockbuster, because if you’re even slightly wrong, Kyle will be more than happy to let you know. He usually gets what’s coming to him though. Poor guy has cracked three ribs since joining the JLCM cast.

First Appearance - Ultraviolet

Other Notable Appearances: 16 Blocks, Pirates of the Caribbean: At World’s End, Transformers, Journey to the Center of the Earth

Jean-Luc Picard – Another lawsuit waiting to happen is Jean Luc Picard who, towards the end of the strip’s first year, became the go-to background character. If there was ever a seat to fill or a random person to place wandering around in the background, nine times out of ten it was Picard. While Picard has crossed paths with Irv he and Joe have never met. Perhaps they will some day but for now just can an eye on the background.

First Appearance - The Producers

Other Notable Appearances: I’m not telling you, that’s no fun. It’ like Where’s Waldo – go find him!

Ice Cream Sandwich – Delicious and… deadly? Usually when you see someone eating an Ice Cream sandwich, someone else is experiencing a substantial amount of pain. Still, how nice is an ice cream sandwich on a hot summer day?

First Appearance - Saw IV

Other Notable Appearances: Bee Movie, Run Fatboy Run, Saw V

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